CPTSD /r/writing foid: Men constantly become violent/aggressive in my stories...how do I change that?

This sounds dumb, but is true: As a kid, I grew up with a lot of violence. Men, in my family, school, but also on the street, were either utterly angry or utterly indifferent at all time. [...]

Due to this, I didn't really socialize with guys till I was an adult. And while I do know some "opposite examples" now, this shit is still bleeding in my writing. Like, I've been writing a script with around 5 main male characters. In general I treated them like every other character: Character, motivations etc. However, now a Beta-Reader informed me that they all sound needlessly aggressive. Like: Rude, cold and/or indifferent. Very strong in contrast to the female characters, who are very "normal", including empathy, kindness and "often sounding like the last wall between a full out massacre sometimes".

Now, obviously I don't want that. I live for four-dimensional characters. But looking through my other stories, I can def see a pattern: Men (if not the LI) are often villains. There are grumpy old men, shitty fathers, sociopathic Mafia bosses etc. "Positive" examples, are mostly just variations of 1.) My cousin (very nice, extroverted guy) and 2.) character-types I picked from other stories (e.g. "old man who is too invested in his grandson's love life")

Any advice? Cause at this rate, I'll paint a very, very bad picture and I hate it

"How can I make myself not hate men? I know! I'll talk to some Redditors!"

>Writing wish fulfillment romance scenarios while hating the opposite s*x

🤝

The thing that comes to my mind is to consume more stories with male characters that display the traits that you're looking to emulate in your own writing. [...] I can offer some movie recs: Before I Disappear (2014), Submarine (2010), and Stand By Me (1986) all explore I would say a more tender side of masculinity

Ever notice how their go to examples are never books?

OP:

Good point. I did get a lot of LI material from romance books. So maybe I can do the same that way. I'll the check out the suggestions!

No, don't do that. I love a good bodice ripper, they're my guilty pleasure, but you are not going to get an example of loving, normal men from them. They are always portrayed as a slightly aggressive "Alpha Male" type who gets extremely possessive of his love interest and has problems expressing feelings

You will NOT have a man who protects you. You WILL comfort your boyfriend when he comes home crying after work.

I have to offer a word of caution, here. Romance books give people a distorted ideas of a relationship the same way porn gives people distorted ideas of s*x. They're idealized or sensationalized because it's better for the person consuming the product, not because it's realistic or healthy.

Women be reading romance. That's basically the same as me edging in my goon cave for four hours every night.

If you wanted to, you could write the men as "normal" people, too. As people first, men second.

Novice writers when you explain to them that the opposite s*x are people

I try. That's the problem. I try, but in the end, there's something that just bleeds through. However, tbf, maybe this does speak of a deeper issue. Like, maybe I know logically that men are people (duh), but emotionally, there's still a part who does not believe it...? Idk.

Trust your instincts, sister

Some therapy wouldn't hurt. It's reflective of your experience, and not dealing with your past to a healthy degree is warping your ability to see men as anything other than what you experienced.

I am on the hunt for that, don't worry. I've had some therapy for 5 years, but I was just newly diagnosed with CPTSD last year. So rn I'm in this "in-between" of switching therapies.

Five years of therapy didn't work? Better give it another five years.

For the sake of providing advice I don't see here, you could try writing a character as a girl then just changing them to be a guy. It's unconventional, but it might help you eliminate your bias. Alternatively, make really mousey nerdy overly polite type guys who avoid aggression. We exist, lol.

Is this... the ick?

I'm not crazy, i promise, but you're going to think I am. If you're willing to go out on a limb, though, i think it'll help.

Now, people have said therapy and that's not a bad idea. It does sound like the unresolved trauma is causing problems, but we're not doctors so that's about as far as we can suggest with that.

What you should do is, like someone else suggested, find and consume media with more positive male figures.

Watch Bluey. I'm not kidding. It's about a little girl who is a dog and her dog family and Bandit is a good girl-dad. He's portrayed as a normal dad, in that he gets frustrated but he tries not to lose his cool.

I'm not kidding. It'll help.

I AM NOT CRAZY!

Without actually reading her work I can't evaluate it or try to psychoanalyze her.

What I can tell you is that Redditors are the last people you should ask about masculinity. Redditors are hardcore feminists to the exact extent that they believe feminism strips them of masculine responsibility. Once we get rid of toxic masculinity, women will finally throw themselves at timid scrawny nerds who cry once a week... Right?

It seems to me like the obvious advice is to portray male aggression honestly, while showing the neutral or positive ways it can be channeled. The Redditors instead are telling her to feminize her male characters, watch children's cartoons, and get (another five years of) therapy, sweaty.