I don't know, I feel like I might regret revealing the personal information I'm going to share in this post, but let's go.
There are so many ways to approach life, and two people dealing with the same situations can take wildly varying responses to it. Prison is a good example. Others break down and become hopeless. Some become mentally calloused and emerge stronger and more psychologically stronger.
Sometimes I wonder about events in my own life, and whether I'm viewing them from the correct perspective. Do you relate? Let's take inceldom for example. At times I'm doggedly determined to bring a new life for myself. Other times it feels like I'm just being stupid and that that everything I'm trying will lead to nothing.
But who knows what life will bring? Nobody can predict that kind of thing. Well, I can be certain that suffering is coming my way because that is the nature of life. However, love is not promised. I hope I become someone worthy of life, and find the strength to withstand suffering.
Today's post will cover a bit of psychiatry as well as a discussion on some of the difficulties of escaping inceldom. I always enjoy writing these. If you're the only person reading this, then that's more than enough. It's nice to write and remind myself that my life is real, and there are other people out there.
Bipolar & OCD
After jumping through multiple hoops, I was finally able to see a psychiatrist. My issues were explained, and we had a long conversation. He asked a lot about my sexual life which was uncomfortable because I basically had to explain my inceldom. It's weird how he almost instantly detected I was an incel. First, he asked me about my orientation, which I think he was doubtful about because I'm wearing pink nail polish. Then he asked me “have you ever had a girlfriend?” instead of “do you have a girlfriend?” or “when's the last time you had a girlfriend?”. He just knows.
I was asked to fill out a bunch of questionnaires that asked me a ton of questions about my life, past, and symptoms. After looking at the questionnaire and speaking to me, he concluded that I was bipolar and OCD.
The OCD diagnosis clicked immediately with me, and it explained the nature of my self-harming and its relationship with my endless stream of self-loathing thoughts. I had never considered it, but my self-harm is of an OCD nature, and I'm driven by obsessive thoughts of self-punishment and self-loathing, which leads to impulses I struggle with and fail to control. There is also a ritual to the self-harm event, a list of things I have to do before and after. Like holy frick can I get the hand-washing or “is the oven on” OCD and not the “you must rip yourself to shreds” one? This is the worst form of OCD.
Studies on the topic have been quite revelatory to me:
The second observation was based on our patients' description of their acts of self-harm as compulsive, ritualistic, meticulous, and painless. Lack of pain during self-harm has been associated to depersonalization, hysteria, or a transient analgesic state (Simpson, 1973; Takeuchi et al, 1986; Favazza & Conterio, 1989). Our patients seem to fall into the category of describing their act of self-harm as a transient analgesic state usually followed by pleasure, release of tension, or a feeling of well-being
I've stated this prior, but please don't self-harm. I know that I'm not the only one here who does this, and we all have our reasons. However, if you have some control over it, exercise it and don't do it. If you must, do it somewhere clothes can cover. You DO NOT want an arm full of cut marks. It will permanently stigmatize you. Regardless of where you self-harm, you're going to have to confront it if you ever get intimate with anyone, so it could easily extend your inceldom and leave you with lifelong body insecurities (and you have a genuine reason to be insecure because you mutilated your body you fricking crazy person).
A few cuts are one thing, especially if you're a girl. Your bf will kiss your scars. When it's clear you're in the triple digits with the cuts, it's a different matter. You look unstable (you are). It's clear it wasn't a “moment of weakness” but a lifelong mental illness that is violent in nature. Any streetsmart person is going to frick off because nothing good comes from folks like us. We sink to rock bottom and we drag you down with us - but of course, there will be folks (especially women) who are naive enough to think they can help or heal us with love.
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Quick notes from Holly!
So we all probably have habits and routines in our lives. That's normal. It's also normal to have intrusive thoughts at times, you know, things you think about that you probably don't want to or know are immoral. The common one people talk about is imagining just veering in front of oncoming traffic when driving. Furthermore, we all have things we do repetitively. As has often been said, humans are creatures of habit.
With OCD, all these normal traits are cranked to the max. It has to make you incapable of leading a normal life before it is considered a disorder. While I fortunately don't suffer from routine obsession (though the act of self-harming does follow a ritual), the obsessive thought of harming myself, and what I might do to myself is constant and unending. I know I am a danger to myself, that I am a bad person, and that a cutting is in order. The thought - the compulsion - is obsessive and all-consuming.
There is no escaping it. Submitting to the compulsion brings relief. But it does not end the compulsion. The thoughts will return and once again, I will be driven to the behavior which prevents me from living a normal life, one where I'm not constantly injuring myself.
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The bipolar diagnosis, I was not what I was expecting. However, there is a history of both diagnosed and undiagnosed psychosis in my family so I don't question it too much. I also considered my overall personality, and it may lead to atypical manifestations of bipolar that don't precisely match the stereotypes of the mental disorder.
It also shines a light that maybe I was the butthole in some situations. My PhD supervisor was mean to me, but he was also always pissed off at how I was constantly changing my thesis and throwing in a bunch of new ideas that didn't always make sense. I feel like I was kind of going hypomania on him, which makes me understand a little better why I might have pissed him off and made him not like me. It's not easy to work with someone who changes their strategic vision every week. To me, it felt like being creative. To him, it must have been impossible to work with me, especially when I refused to believe I was wrong about anything.
Some interesting research about BD and self-harm:
Previous research has found that individuals with mood disorders engage in self-harm at a higher rate than individuals with other DSM diagnoses (Selby et al., 2012). We found that individuals with bipolar disorder engage in self-harm at higher rates than individuals with a unipolar depressive disorder (52% versus 37%, respectively). This finding expands previous research showing that suicide and suicidal attempts (in addition to self-harm found in this study) are greater in individuals with bipolar disorder compared to unipolar depressive disorders (Rihmer and Kiss, 2002).
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5679240
I feel like this highlights why I need a friend, not even a girlfriend, but just a friend. Someone who can tell me, “hey man, don't get piercings all over your face, you're going to regret it in a couple of months.” Imagine if I had been treated years earlier. I might have my PhD now.
So I got some antipsychotics and more yummy benzos. Feelig light is weight, it jut's sad I don't have anyone in real to talk about different benzos and the varied types of bliss they bring. The previous stuff mad me calm and function. This one feels far for "disinhibiting" and is already doing a number on my memoy and ability to focus. I brought an embien to my room but I lost it already. Oh well.
Honestly, they prescribe benzos like candy wtf just tell a doctor of any sort you're self-harming and if it's disturbing enough they'll fill your medicine cabinet with this shit. Indubitably, I've got enough to sell on the side at this point. I'm not complaining, the druggie life is based and I'm worthless, but holy shit I wonder how many normies they're turning into repeat customers forever while frying their memory. I wrote my life is worthless on something work-related, and it just got detered. It ws a surreptitious scry for help.
Why skydiving?
What does this have to do with finding a girlfriend?
Directly? Nothing at all. Both these tests of courage won't get me a gf. My hope is that they force me out of my comfort zone so that when I am in situations where I could acquire a gf, I know what to do to fight through the fear and act. I don't want another S.H. situation where I crush for ages and then get heartbroken after months of being in love. If I like a girl, I just want the yes or no immediately so I can move on. That only happens if I speak as soon as possible.
Secondly, these are opportunities to interact with human beings. Sure, these are humans more or less paid to be nice to me, but I think I still do learn some social skills by interacting with people, even if they're at work. Hopefully, these skills will help me speak to men and women (mostly women though).
There is also the matter of filling up my time and spending my money so I don't spend it on vices. This is pivotal to nofap, as having free time is one of the biggest things that can cause me to fail. I also have to deal with the craving to simply buy women's time. I have previously discussed my idea to buy a high-end escort for non-sexual purposes. The truth is that if I ever did something like that, it would inevitably end in s*x.
Maybe not the first time, maybe not the second time, but it would eventually happen. I would pay for s*x. The whole idea was just tiptoeing into prostitution as a solution to loneliness, fooling myself into thinking I tripped and fell into it accidentally. That was the only way it was going to end.
I'm a poorcel, so I can't afford both skydiving and escorting. So by skydiving, I've made escorting impossible. Basically forced myself to do the right thing by making the wrong thing impossible. Also, there's a non-zero chance I'll meet a skydiving cutie lol
This leads me to my next problem.
Where to find women?/
Online doesn't work (I've tried Tinder and other apps, never had a match ever). My only shot is a real-life situation where I can speak to someone and hopefully attract a nice woman with my personality because my looks and height kinda frick me over on first impressions. I have no hope online.
I've joined a hiking club and the first hike is on Saturday. I'm hoping I meet a girl there. I'm doing it for the cardio (I want to remain at the group) but also to 
If you go online and look up “how to get a gf”, plenty of sites suggest you try volunteering. Let me explain why this is a meme.
You usually pay to volunteer
You thought that shit was free neighbor lol. You pay to be there most of the time, especially if it concerns animals.
2. It takes place during the day, sometimes for multiple days
Want to volunteer at the animal shelter? First you need to complete a course, which probably takes a whole week or two. You got the chance to take two weeks off work to learn how to clip dog toenails?
3. It's filled with minors and old people
I visited the volunteering websites around me. All the pictures feature either boomers or high school kids. These are the only people with time to do this shit. You're not meeting single 20-something year old women here. I don't know where they are, but they aren't out volunteering lol.
This is amazing. Literal hallucinations. It did leaked too muc drownziness and my inceldim feel amplified because I want to share this warm, loving world here lol. The drowziness is getting fierce fast, but normies get this emotional happiness when they gf I would, it's all's missing. Imagine walking through the mall, holding your girl's hand. I want to experience. Im also going to join Toastermasters - that's public speaking. I know I can write the best speeches and outcompete everyone. I don't if I'll be a good hiker.
My remaining ideas are hence the following:
work on nightclub club game
Mormon church
Attend as many events as possible around me
Hiking club
I'm hoping for the easy road. Just find a cutie at the hiking club on the first week, we get married the following week and this Incel nightmare is finally over. But I know at this point that life doesn't work this way.
Conclusion
In 2024, I will get a gf. Sorry, very confusing. I forget what I'm doing. I lost an ambin pill but that's okay i think just enjoying this is based. Weeed dabing while I listen to Midnight mauraudres by /A Tribe Called Quest RIP 5 foot freak very based benzo. Imagine if my dentist gives me more benzos loli lost my ambien pill but it doesn't matter. Versed did its job.
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Be careful, girls can smell the desperation off random lonely men that join clubs to meet women.
make some guy friends and who knows maybe they'll invite you out drinking and you'll meet a girl that way.
Aside from education and social groups, if your job allows you to interact with people that's another way (granted you aren't creepy)
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