EFFORTPOST Why I quit cannabis

Have you ever been depressed? The answer is yes to pretty much anyone reading this. Life is hard, and interacting with others can leave you a broken person. The modern world isn't something we evolved toward, and the challenges of interpersonal relationships are inscrutable as they are intense.

To top things off, we have this… governor, king, god, whatever you call it, and it lives in your brain constantly judging you and reprimanding you when it sees you doing what it deems to be wrong. The governor is incorrect sometimes but you have to deal with the punishments all the same.

I haven't even touched on real-world punishments. Sometimes, they're intense, like losing your job (it may be coming my way, especially after being away for so long but a Ritalin-like pill is helping exceptionally with productivity so I may survive). Other times, they're slow and painful, like someone constantly reminding you of your transgressions.

Consequently, to be human is to suffer immensely. There is no escaping it, just like we cannot control desires. But what happens when the suffering is not due to the outer world? This is when we enter the world of brain health.

Brain health

Most people would speak of mental illness but I choose not to because, much like Sue Klebold, I recognize how it turns the whole thing into a floaty concept. Brain health is a better term, and it helps us understand why cowtools are necessary to solve the problem. It also highlights that the brain is an organ, just like the heart, and it can malfunction.

If someone broke their arm, we'd use a cast to help the healing. A pair of lungs not functioning would call for pulmonary care. What about if someone's brain is not functioning? We cannot transplant human brains just yet, so we use chemicals to help us fix the organ's malfunctioning, but this doesn't always work. The brain is a complex, quirky organ and what works for one person might not work for another.

This is when someone needs a closer look. A psychologist is the first line of defense. The problem could be solved by the excavation of painful memories. When that doesn't work, you're referred to a psychiatrist who can prescribe medication to improve your brain health. Eventually, they will exhaust their resources, leaving you fricked.

When you're too ill and you've become a danger to yourself and others, you go to a mental health hospital. It's a completely normal thing to do, and it doesn't even require you to stay overnight unless you have conditions that necessitate it (e.g. you're suicidal, self-harming, or are hurting others). It's just that you need to be watched for a bit, just while you're being treated for your brain health.

I've been suffering from brain health problems for a while, causing irreparable damage to myself. This cannot go on forever, and I can't live my life in an inescapable state of mental anguish. So, my psychiatrist referred me to a mental hospital to stay for a while. I was supposed to stay four days but remained for five days because I admitted to being suicidal and was self self-harming. This also meant I was in high care which is near the nurse's office and you get checked on like every half hour.

I'd like to tell you a bit about my stay at a mental health facility and what I encountered.

My stay in a psychiatric hospital

The place actually looks like a resort. The architecture is gorgeous and there are manicured lawns leading you to the front door. Peapeepees walked around with their gorgeous tails fanned.

I was afraid of the whole thing because I would be around others. I'm not a naturally friendly person. I usually only want 1 or 2 people in my life while the rest can get lost. The first thing they did was show me my room. It was a private one with calming images on the wall and large windows.

They told me to rest for the day I was tired. The food was good, and I got meals such as lasagne pudding or cream cheese! They give you Xanax every morning. I did not like feeling drowsy every day! So I said no thanks to that, which they respected.

I also got daily visits from my psychiatrist. He said I'll always be depressed unless I stop marijuana. I believed him so I quit Mary Jane. He told me I need a gf because being completely isolated isn't good for me. Cutting yourself is what 0 kitty does to a MFer but this time confirmed by a professional. Touching grass is also unironically advised.

I showed him the ways I've been trying to escape inceldom and cutting (went skydiving) and none of it changed my overall mood. I was still depressed beyond belief. So I continue to go to outside therapy, do DBT, and I have my sister coming down to see me and we'll have a joint therapy session because my psychologist wanted to know more about me and my family. She's very good at her job and I'm able to unpack things in my mind with her.

Weed vs Pharmaceuticals

It's abundantly clear that I love drugs. I've been prescribed a lot of medication, some of it very mind-altering. I won't lie, it's been a blast exploring all of them, including ambien and different types of benzos. My psychiatrist is basically a drug dealer at this point I got so much good shit, even Melatonin to help me sleep. I'd like to tell you about a combination that's been treating me very, very well. It's Modafinil + Benzo. Modafinil is very similar to Ritalin and it keeps you focused. Take a benzo and you get a good body high and euphoria while the Modafinil keeps your mind locked on a singular activity. I'm at a point where I work systematically, in silence, and am performing better at work.

Modafinil is great and I'm sad I'll only get one month of it while the benzos and the rest of the other stuff I get 6 month prescriptions for. It's a highly scheduled drug so it's hard to get. Next time I see my psychiatrist I'm going to just straight up ask for ritalin. It wouldn't be my first time with stimulants. In university, me and someone else in my dorm would crush ritalin and snort them. Other times we'd use a razor to get the film off that makes them slow release. You would get a good high from it. This combination I have requires me to have work ready or else I'll clean the house ceaselessly. As soon as you're on it you want to complete a mission.

I know for some people weed is better than pills. I don't think that's the case for me. I think weed helps in some ways but is a net harm that ultimately leaves me depressed. I suppose it's up to each person to decide how they will go about life. In case I didn't mention, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2, OCD, and slight ADHD.

DBT is amazing

Changing the way I think has been revolutionary. I perform better at work, less negative feelings, and I'm better at handling adversity. I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to handle reality and facts instead of feelings that are sometimes harmfully inaccurate. It also lays out a pathway for when you're having moments of difficulty. It doesn't deny the inherent suffering of life but instead asks you to acknowledge and face it head-on with a "wise mind."

People-pleasing

I also want to stop being a people pleaser. This requires me to learn how to say no, which can be hard. It's gotten easier since I've taken my vow of honesty, and with DBT, I don't delay or avoid problems anymore. If I don't like or want something, I should say so without any ambiguity. But it's a game of negotiation, you can't entirely throw up a middle finger to the needs and feelings of others. The aim is to have a win-win situation with everyone you meet. This is impossible if you lie or keep secrets.

My life now is working on my imaginary world and finding the beauty in everyday life. Taking things one day, or even an hour, at a time. I hope you understand. Accepting reality and learning to cooperate with it. Things are looking up and I MIGHT have been accepted at a new university where I can study for a PhD. It would mean starting from scratch, but I'm willing to do it. Then I'll be able to put Dr. in front of my name, which is nice.

Conclusion

This is a rather short post that primarily addresses a few thoughts I had. I think my next post will be an explanation of why I support PETA or a primer on DBT.

Thank you for making it this far, and for anyone who reads my posts. It means a lot to me, from the bottom of my heart. I know this document is riddled with errors and when I try to fix typos I make them worse. I'm tired so I can't really function at 100%.