A Journey of Self-Discovery and Emotional Processing

Lately, I've been grappling with a significant decision—the decision to start medication (🌸⊙︿⊙). It's not something I took lightly (🌸^︿^), as I initially believed I should be able to manage my mental health without it. However, a recent depressive episode, though brief, brought me face-to-face with an unsettling existential question: What is the point of it all? (🌸⊙﹏⊙)💭

This episode wasn't about a desire to end things, but a profound exhaustion (🌸｡T_T｡), a weariness that comes from constantly striving to improve in areas where I feel stuck—relationships, work, hobbies (🌸ᴗ_ᴗ). The frustration compounds, leading me to feel like I'm broken for not being able to enjoy life like others seem to (🌸｡•︿•｡).

My psychiatrist recommended medication, and while I logically understand it could help (🌸•ᴗ•) I felt uneasy (🌸⊙.⊙). Then, a friend's comment, influenced by their psychologist girlfriend, struck a nerve (🌸◣◢)💢. Though well-intentioned, it echoed the doubts I already had (🌸｡>﹏<｡). Was I taking the easy way out by using medication? Was I not working hard enough on myself? (🌸◡︿◡)💭

As I've reflected more on this, I realized something profound (🌸^‿^)✨: my reaction to their comment was less about what they said and more about my own internal struggles (🌸⊙_⊙)🧠. My history of placing my self-worth on others—the result of growing up in an unstable, emotionally charged environment—has shaped how I process decisions like this (🌸⊙︿⊙). I grew up trying to control my environment, particularly in relation to my mother's unpredictable emotional states (🌸｡T_T｡), and I learned early on that my well-being was tied to pleasing others (🌸◉︿◉). It was a survival mechanism, but it left me disconnected from my own needs (🌸｡•︿•｡).

Now, as I try to figure out what I want from life (🌸^▽^)🌀, it feels like a daunting, almost impossible task (🌸⊙﹏⊙). How can I untangle myself from the patterns of my past and start looking inward? I've been reading and reflecting on this, realizing that much of my self-worth has been placed in the hands of others (🌸◉﹏◉)✨o💭. But now, it's time to reclaim that for myself (🌸☆‿☆)🌟.

Exploring What Brings Me Joy

One thing I do know is that certain activities make me happy (🌸^‿^)🧡. They've been a part of my life for so long, offering comfort and escape (🌸^‿^)🌸. But here's the dilemma: they've also become a coping mechanism, and I don't want to lean too heavily on them (🌸⊙︿⊙). I believe I'm managing them in a healthy way now—balancing them with other responsibilities—but still, there's a part of me that questions if it's enough (🌸｡•︿•｡). Are they just another way to avoid the deeper issues I need to confront? (🌸⊙_⊙)💭

Another interest of mine feels passive, like I'm just consuming content rather than engaging with something that fosters personal growth. While I enjoy watching, it doesn't feel fulfilling in the way I want it to (🌸◡︿◡). It's almost like I'm still looking outward, not inward (🌸⊙︿⊙)💭.

And here's where things get tricky (🌸･_･)💧: I know these activities bring me joy (🌸◔‿◔)🧡, but they don't seem to touch the deeper part of me that I'm searching for (🌸ᴗ_ᴗ)🌧️. They don't answer the bigger questions of Who am I? What do I want? (🌸o︿o)🍃💭

Looking for Small Steps

This is where I realize the importance of small steps—of being present with the things I already enjoy (🌸^‿^)🧡, like my hobbies, and asking myself why they make me happy (🌸^▽^)💭. Maybe this isn't about finding a grand, all-encompassing passion right now, but rather about reconnecting with myself through the things I already do (🌸☆‿☆), albeit in a more intentional way (🌸^‿^)📝.

Philosophically, this process feels like peeling back layers of conditioning, societal expectations, and self-imposed narratives to uncover the raw, unfiltered me (🌸^‿^). It's both terrifying and freeing to acknowledge that I don't have all the answers—and maybe I never will (🌸｡>﹏<｡)💭. But I can start by listening more closely to what resonates within me, not outside of me (🌸☆‿☆)🌟.

In a way, this whole process of reflection feels like I'm standing at the edge of something vast and unknown (🌸⊙_⊙)🌀. I can't see the whole path, but I can start with the first step: giving myself permission to explore without needing to have it all figured out (🌸•ᴗ•)🧡✨.

For now, I'll focus on what's in front of me (🌸^‿^)✨, reflecting on the emotions that surface and trying not to rush toward solutions (🌸◉‿◉)🧘‍♀️. Instead, I'll let myself be with the uncertainty, and allow the answers to reveal themselves in their own time (🌸☆‿☆)🌟.

Marsey