"anorexia" recovery destroyed my body. My life is finished.

https://www.edsupportforum.com/threads/recovery-destroyed-my-body-my-life-is-finished-tw-suicidal.4548034/

Hello :)

I'm not new to EDSF - for years, I have viewed the site, reading posts for advice and support - but I have never posted. To be honest, sharing my ED journey is embarrassing.

I live in England, in the countryside, with my mum and dad. Before I struggled with my mental health, I was a high-achiever and a perfectionist. I attended a selective all-girls school, played musical instruments, acted, participated in orchestras, volunteered and was in the top team for every sport. I worked 24/7; education was my life. I had ambitions and aspirations. I was determined and resilient to reach them. Typical story - a perfectionist struggles with mental health… My life began to fall apart in 2021. First, I developed anxiety, then, OCD and depression and lastly, my ED.

I have Binge Eating Disorder. I will not lie, writing that is humiliating and mortifying. I am so ashamed. Pre-ED, I was naturally underweight and had no interest in food - I ate healthily, skipped meals and hated junk food. In 2022, I had urges to eat food I did not want, then eating when I was anxious/stressed/depressed became a habit. The binges started small and grew. I gained a lot of weight and felt suicidal because of my body. I began therapy to recover from Binge Eating Disorder. I learnt to control myself around food 60% of the time, the other 40%, I binged. Thankfully, I over-exercised, so I managed to lose weight. I was proud of my body and the happiest I'd ever been in my life. I was confident, determined and 1000x better than the ‘normal' me. Then, my life began to fall apart again. Long-story-short, I was incorrectly diagnosed with Anorexia (I binged weekly on 10,000+ calories and had binge urges everyday) and forced into recovery. A lot happened. It was traumatic and the medical professionals and CAMHS were AWFUL. They made me gain weight without providing any therapy or even advice/support. CAMHS think eating disorders are weight disorders and do not care about what you are struggling with mentally. They encouraged me to binge (I had BED!) and told me to eat junk food. I lost my willpower and control over food that I had learnt in BED therapy, I lost my motivation and I began binging more. Now, I binge every single day, all day. I do nothing else. I have at least 5,000 calories each day, up to 25,000. I have gained 5st in less than 3 months. I can't exercise, I can barely walk up the stairs, my mum helps me to shower, I look disgusting and unrecognisable, I'm uncomfortable 24/7 and I pray each night that I won't wake up the next day. I attempted suicide because I hate this body. My body is ruined - my teeth, hair, skin etc, everything is ruined. I'm having private therapy to help my Binge Eating Disorder but it's not working. Anorexia recovery and all the people who forced me to gain weight have destroyed my willpower/determination and now, I have zero control over food.

I want my body back. I wish I had hidden my weight from everyone or faked weight gain and recovery. Now, I'm just waiting for my life to end.