My boyfriend loves fat chicks and this triggers me

My boyfriend only dated and hooked up with thick, curvy women before we met. Despite me being really tall I'm the thinnest woman he's ever been with. He still follows tons of larger women on social media (less now since he knows it bothers me...but still)

It really really bothers me to the point where I can't get it out of my head and I'm constantly crying or getting upset about it. I'm stuck in this weird loop of hating my body, because even at my high weight I couldn't look like a curvy bikini model, but at the same time I'm borderline repulsed by the things I see him looking at. To the point that it makes me so angry, I want to restrict and lose more... it makes no sense. Like I'm angry at him for liking that body type and it makes me feel like crap, but at the same time it makes me feel like I'm somehow going to become superior the smaller and smaller I get...like one day he's going to appreciate it and I'll have some upper hand over the porn he likes. lmao obviously not.

He hasn't come onto me in so long. But when I bring it up he insists he still finds me attractive and he wants me, but I don't see how. I don't have anyone I can rant to about this so I just needed to let it out somewhere. I feel crazy.