A very normal redditor just looking for a friend

I don't even know where to begin with this guy. Full text below:

I (M33) have no friends. Reddit, can you please help me find some?

Hello! :)

This post has been planned for more than a year and a half, but I simply couldn't find the strength to put the things below in writing. As casual as it may be for someone to write a message online to a friend/acquaintance or post on social media, for me it is a struggle each and every time. But I guess I reached that end of despair, as I can't live isolated anymore and I am in desperate need of some friends. I live in Odense**,** so people from here or from Denmark in general would be my target audience, so to speak.

I would like to say that I would accept any offer, but I would be lying. I'm tired of faking who I am and trying to please people I don't like, just to have someone to talk to. I want to be myself. However, due to BPD, I may express extreme views on certain topics and this will offend some people. Please bear this in mind. I understand that this fact will reduce my chances considerably, but it is what it is.

A little background story

For the past 5 years, I gradually severed contact with most of the people I know on the grounds of deteriorating mental health, starting with the diagnosis of depression and anxiety in 2018. Add to that the occurrence of COVID19, which completely turned everything to shit.

Now I have two friends that occasionally ask how I'm doing, but they live far from me so I have nobody in the city that I can talk to/meet. Thus, I have isolated myself to the point that I might go out once or twice a week, if that, and when I do, my anxiety is killing me on the inside. This has made social contact next to impossible.

I must add that I have no family in Denmark and I´m currently living with my (ex) gf as I am physically dependent (up to a point) of her. Our relationship is, mildly put, awful, but she´s the only one that I have.

My likes and dislikes

I love music. I grew up with techno, rave and gangsta rap, and from there I explored the world of the harder styles of electronic music, such as hard trance, hardtek, hardstyle, hardcore, speedcore, extratone... I also like jungle and the rougher side of dnb, such as neurofunk and techstep, and psy trance, but, as usual, the darker side of it. I hate mainstream.

No people that like rock or metal (or guitars). I have had a traumatic experience regarding this area of music and culture and I would prefer not to engage in contact with this scene anymore. This is a serious thing, so please take it into consideration.

Other interests include cars, planes, machinery, technology, phones, electronics and I dabble occasionally in electronic diy´s.

Since 2021, photography became my main hobby, and a good side effect of it is that it forces me to get out of the house in order to snap pictures. I mainly shoot wildlife, cars, planes, helicopters, machinery that I find interesting, sometimes macro and toys, and other times fragments of the urban life. I haven't tried taking photos of people (as in 1 to 1 portraits or body shots), but would like to try it if I find volunteers (though, as a personal preference, it would be strictly girls).

I used to draw, mostly nudes and animals, although very weird stuff did end up on paper. Like writing (see below) I haven't done it for almost three years and I miss it. I would have to enter a certain mental state of calmness and focus, that would carry me through the process (at times, hours), and have a steady hand, but that has changed, as I am very unwell mentally and my hands are shaking most of the day.

Literature: I like reading very much; I do it daily, mainly after going to bed, until I fall asleep. I used to write short stories (science fiction, horror, naturalism) and poems, but have been unable to so for quite some time (2020). I'd like to resume doing it, but I´m not sure when it´s going to happen.

I like animals and I hate people that mistreat or hurt them. My pets were members of my family. Now, unfortunately, I can't keep any in my current apartment, but I surrounded myself with toys. At least I have something cute to look at.

I believe in equality of the sexes, and in the roles they play in a relationship. I've grown up in a family in which the men were behaving like pigs to their wives/gfs and I promised myself I would never be like that. I am by no means perfect (see my BPD), but disrespecting a woman and her capabilities and qualities will make you look as a piece of shit in my eyes and will lead to cutting all ties.

I hate religion and the indoctrinating role it played in history (and still does), though I will not enforce this point of view as long as the other person does the same with their beliefs.I try to be respectful and understanding about the differences in beliefs and mentality and I expect an open mind from someone else as well. No homophobia, racism or sexism.

I hate mainstream with a passion, in all its forms. I have always tried to differentiate myself from others and will continue to do so. I hate people that like anything and everything. Someone who shares the same point of view is most welcome.

I need someone that will take me out and occasionally give me some helpful kicks in the butt to get things done or go places. This is an absolute must, as I am severely fricked by my fear of going out. Also, I am unable to decide on things sometimes, so you must do it for me (this isn't a caprice, so please take it seriously). However, be mindful of my condition.

Very Important

I have BPD (borderline personality disorder – diagnosed in 2020), so outbursts or inflexible attitudes / beliefs are something that must be taken into account. Note that I may have extreme mood swings that can occur at intervals of minutes or hours. This is not something that I have control over, although I am on mood stabilisers and have gotten a little better at damping the more severe reactions. If you have questions, please ask.

I also have PNES (psychogenic non-epileptic seizures – diagnosed in 2019) or dissociative kramper in Danish (although this is such a shit name for such a complex illness).

Stemming from childhood trauma, it first reared its ugly head in 2018 and I've been struggling with it thus far. A short explanation would be that this is a defence mechanism employed by your mind in order to protect you from memories that are too hard to face. So instead of turning your brain to mush, you shut down. This includes speech, movement, cognitive functions. Also, I have a non-typical form, that does not manifest through short bursts (a few minutes), but in a single big seizure lasting from one hour to one and a half, in which I am totally unresponsive, though not unconscious, as I can still hear and understand, up to a point, what is going on around me. It's like being buried alive in your body and you can't even scream for help, except in your mind.

Moreover, if pushed emotionally over a certain limit (which is very low, btw), I may dissociate and completely stop talking or moving, and be unable to respond in any way to external stimuli, or - the worse outcome - go into a full seizure. This is dangerous as I lose control over my body (if standing, I will fall), and will not know who I am, where I am, who you are, and enter a completely non responsive state in which I may have auditory and visual hallucinations and may also dream as well. If this happens, I need to be placed in a safe place (bed, sofa, etc) and left there until I come back to the "real world". It is an awful thing. I do not wish this to happen to anyone.

Thirdly, I was also diagnosed with Complex PTSD (2023). Yay! Lucky me, I guess, as I keep collecting disorders. The complex form refers to trauma sustained over a longer period (in my case years of violence and mistreatment, physically and emotionally). I have the same symptoms as the "standard" form of PTSD, such as shame about my condition, flashbacks, reliving of past experiences, dissociation, extreme fear and so on.

If possible, please inform yourself about these things so there won´t be any surprises later. I will be happy to explain them to you if you so chose. Questions are welcome.

I'm not a Dane, but I'm fairly alright with Danish. However, for more meaningful conversations, I still require the use of English.

If someone is brave enough to try to be my friend, I welcome them in the private message section and hopefully we can meet soon. Thanks for having the patience to read my post!

TL/DR: I (M33), due to the deterioration of my mental health (depression, anxiety, PNES, BPD, PTSD) have no friends and I am in desperate need of socialization and human contact. I am looking for people with similar interests, that are able to understand my condition and, if need be, offer me support (mentally and occasionally physically, as seizures occur). People must be from Denmark or, better, from Odense, as physical presence is extremely important, as I may need forcing to gtfo of the house at times.