Hey

I didn't want to do this but I am going to be sneaking around here and there. I really don't want to tell what's going on and I know some of you have busy lives for you so so it's totally cool to not want to at least ask what's going on but it's just has nothing to do with you or anybody on the side or even around in my town nobody's pissing me off nobody has me just totally depressed I'm not in the bad spot but I do got to say that a part of me I need to stay very well aware of it I need to be here for myself and I didn't mean to hear from my cats and I just don't know what to do or don't know what to say and I don't like saying things on my mind because it's always either my vocabulary is off for people say I have seizures while riding. I'm so sorry that I end up that way I'm really not trying to do it on purpose except for when I do it on purpose to make a joke but I hope you get the jokes. Anyways I really don't want to just disclose information and it's nothing bad I guess for legal whatever is nothing legally bad it's just something people have to go through in their life and nobody's fault. You sometimes wish things were different and sometimes you're lucky for what you have I guess it depends on how you look at it. I told a few people but I just am not ready to just explain it to everybody and I am not in a good spot I can't socialize to the extent to be able to be fruitful in my Endeavor to be able to relay information to one another. In fact I find it very scrupulous of me to be able to tell people how I feel in the first place since what I say isn't like half of what I feel. You understand?. I'm hoping that everything will go all right and things will just be what they're supposed to be and that it won't be any worse than what it will be that nothing will change my mind on what's going on I am dead set in my mind I just don't know where it's going to lead me. I'm very happy to have friends like you. I'm very glad to have people like you around to be able to talk to when I need someone regardless of it's a user I don't talk to at all cuz nobody here is mean to me. Lately my schizophrenia has been having me go through psychosis and it's just bad it's just I don't want to explain how bad it is I wouldn't wish that feeling on anybody else it's like a weight that you can't get off of you and it's not just a weight of strength holding but mental strength holding and I just can't deal with it a lot so that's one reason why I'm just not always talkative and sometimes my words seem very private of any enthusiasm towards creating them when they are indeed my words. I guess they're not my words I'm borrowing them but you know what I mean. Which means I'm borrowing everything else. I cannot give enough gratitude towards the users that have shaped me into what I am today towards the people in my life that shaped me into what I am today towards every animal and every blade of grass that shaped me to what I am today. My heart is with you on always you may sound unenthused when I say I don't pray for you but that's just because I don't feel like just talking and hoping something good will happen out of it all. I don't think there's one person on Earth who hasn't felt pain. I don't know anymore things always add up to weird equations and the weird equations always have so many holes in them but the same time those holes are their strengths and I don't know my mind is just gone I'm sorry I'm not trying to weird you out I have probably ADHD problems. I know I have something else wrong with me than just the schizophrenia. I've had depression my whole life and Suicidal Tendencies, but I took medicine for my depression and unfortunately it couldn't allow me to cry and that's one of my favorite emotions when I'm listening to music and I Cry. So I had to take that out of my life because it hurt it hurt my eyes whenever I felt sad because they wouldn't cry. The medication for my Tendencies I don't really have any. I was in the hospital for one night when they said I can leave cuz I went there voluntarily and then they got to judge the sign of paper to say I'm blue papered and that I'm there now involuntarily, they didn't give me my phone they didn't let me have anything and I was watched the whole time the one-on-one if you know what I mean that's what it's called. I told him I need to just to get out because my cats they need food little guys just always sick so I need to be there for him and it just was so hard just like paste the hospital room floor and wait and see if they'll talk to me what's going on I'll come on there and voluntarily when I walked in voluntarily I just don't understand and thanks to my cat I was actually able to get out of the hospital. They said it was cuz they couldn't handle breaking me apart from him so that's why I'm very thankful for my cat today. You all are really good people and I'm happy to have known you as long as I have and I'm very glad that you all have lies and you know I'm pretty sure they're good love so I'm not going to lie