My boyfriend sexually assaulted me

Update: Hey guys I understand you're concerned about my immediate physical safety, so just to be really clear I am not around him. I am visiting family abroad (he did this the night before my flight). We don't live together. He had my keys, but my friends picked them up yesterday, and maybe I'll change the locks when I come back just in case.

Our relationship is over. The only reason I haven't blocked him is that I'm wondering if it would be worthwhile to try to get him to cop to it over the phone on a recorded conversation. I am never going to see him again. If I do by accident, I might kill him. Although I know this is purely a fantasy. He has warped my mind so much that I felt guilty telling my closest friends. My plan right now is just to inform the women in his life with whom I have contact (friends,coworkers, etc), eventually. He copped to attempting to r*pe me 4 weeks ago over text, but not the actual r*pe.

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Every morning I wake up and I face that horror. I walk into the living room and I think "he r*ped me" (I don't really know exactly what category it falls into. I didn't consent to s*x. I didn't consent to s*x without a condom. He "thought it was fine" I guess. I didn't say no, i didn't have a chance to because I was not conscious at the start. He says he didn't realize.) I start to feel panic and anxiety at random moments, a solid 70% of the day, and I feel out of breath and need to sit down. I can't think about anything else.

Sorry, I posted about this yesterday. I feel crazy. I feel like I need to talk about it nonstop. I feel singularly preoccupied with this. Maybe it's better than pushing it away?

This is without a doubt the worst thing that's ever happened to me. This is I think beyond the worst thing I could ever imagine happening to me. I feel like a different person now and I'm coming to terms with the fact I may actually forever be changed, that whoever I was two weeks ago is functionally dead.

I remember seeing some post about a girl who's boyfriend r*ped her on another sub and thinking "my god, how horrific, I could not imagine". My god.

He ruined my life. I wish he could pay, but realistically there is no way for him to, apart from reputational damage. He is a monster. I blamed myself for his abuse because I felt I "knew better" and maybe I did, but when it came to this, I DID NOT. I never would have suspected that my BOYFRIEND would ASSAULT ME.

You know what he did the next day? He cried about how poorly he treated me and how he can't live with himself. He said he couldn't believe the things he's done to me. And I CONSOLED him. I felt traumatized but didn't remember a lot from the night before and it hadn't hit me then yet. He ordered vietnamese food for us. He offered to take me on a vacation. He cuddled me in bed and took a selfie of us kissing.

I want to throw up. I really do. When I confronted him and told him I felt traumatized and couldn't stop shaking and for him to tell me what he remembered, he said it was one of the most sexually powerful experiences of his life, and he was hard just thinking about it. I am definitely going to throw up actually. Yes, I think I need to throw up.

He admitted he would've finished in me if he wasn't so drunk because he thought "that's what I wanted", despite remembering repeatedly communicating about not doing so during s*x. Disturbed, I said that made no sense, and he couldn't offer an explanation. I believe he did this because he thought our relationship was ending. Right before it happened, we had a conversation where it felt like a breakup was inevitable.

This is so depressing. What a depressing thing to add to the feed. Im going to delete this post in an hour or lest I dox myself, but I just what to scream WHAT THE FRICK into the void for a moment