Women will date literal murderers before they settle for a beta

A while ago I asked advice about a guy I had been on a few dates with. On the third date, he said he'd been convicted of two murders and said that was in the past and he didn't want to talk about it. Until that point, we clicked very well and I was head over heels. I came here to ask for advice.

I got A TON of advice and I am VERY VERY GRATEFUL for all of it! Thank you all so very much! A lot of people called me stupid etcetera but that was okay too because I think it was a valid perspective they said out of fear for my safety. That's how I took it at least. lol Lots of people mentioned Theodore/Ted Bundy, who I hadn't heard of before but I thought it was funny that apparently it's such a famous person and everyone kept mentioning him.

There were so many messages and I gave up on trying to reply to them and eventually even reading them. The next days I came back to read more, but I didn't reply anymore because I was exhausted from just the reading. I apologize to the people I didn't answer, but I am really very grateful you took the time to write and share your thoughts, whatever they were! Thank you!

It seemed most people either said to run and wondering whether I was stupid, but a good chunk also said he would have to be completely open about the murders and see from there. I was close to just telling him I couldn't do it after all those messages, but I ended up sending him a text to ask for a few more days. He replied that was fine. Eventually I asked him to get together somewhere public so we could get coffee and talk.

We made some smalltalk and then I told him what many of you said here: it's fine if he doesn't want to talk about his past, but then I can't continue seeing him. If he wants a chance at a relationship (or even friendship), then I needed to know about it. I understand it makes him uncomfortable, but it makes ME uncomfortable to know about him being in prison and then not explaining. He was quiet for a long time and asked whether he could talk to his therapist first. He said he had been seeing a therapist since he was in prison. When he moved across the country, he decided to keep seeing one because it helped him. I agreed. We made some more smalltalk and we left. He told me it would be over a week before his next appointment. During that time, we sent a few messages back and forth but nothing big. Just little things.

Two weeks later he said he wanted to talk so we met up somewhere public again. He looked very uncomfortable, but he said what had happened. I tried not to interrupt him and only asked questions at the end. Here is the summary of what happened:

He was part of this gang because “that's just what you did” where he lived (poor and criminal part of the city that was known for having lots of crime in general). He didn't want to do anything, but joined out of “safety”. He got into a fight with someone from another gang. He punched him and he hit his head on the sidewalk that knocked him unconscious. He thought that was the end of it. Then weeks later he was arrested because the other guy had a seizure from the knock to the ground and died and his parents sued him.

In the meantime another thing had happened too: he was out with a friend (a member of the gang too) driving at night. He was drunk and in the passenger seat. His friend was driving and he was drunk and also high. I'll give fake names here to make it easier to understand: “Stefan” is the one I talk to and “Filip” is his friend. They were driving on a piece of road that had no real sidewalk but just some stripes to indicate the bit for bikes. Filip was laughing and driving into that part to scare bikers but never hitting them. Then he hit one and he was also speeding, so it was a big hit. Filip panicked and left the car and ran away. Stefan stayed and called an ambulance. The police showed up too. The biker was dead. Stefan was drunk but he tried to explain to the police what happened without naming Filip because he didn't want to betray him. The police arrested him anyway. While he was in jail (before trial), the other man had the seizure and died. In the trial he still didn't name Filip. They knew the car belonged to Filip, but Filip said he'd loaned the car to Stefan. Stefan didn't correct them. He said it was really stupid of him afterwards, but he kept quiet because he just wanted to die and was very depressed because of what had happened. The victim was also someone in a gang so they said it was intentional because of “gang warfare”.

I asked why he was so sure about not telling me anything, but now he told me everything. Especially because the circumstances weren't really evil. He didn't go out and kill those people on purpose. He said he'd talked to his therapist who basically agreed with me and who had already been pushing him to be more open with people. If he really regretted what he'd done, he should act like it and be honest. He was very ashamed of what he had done and just hoped he could forget it if he never had to talk about it again. He figured I would find out about his conviction anyway so he tried to admit to it first and then hope I would either not ask questions about it or break things off with him. As long as he didn't have to talk about it again. In therapy he had been working on that for a long time but it was difficult to break through that barrier, but he started to realize he had to change if he wanted have friends or even a girlfriend.

I had taken notes from people who replied in the thread with questions to ask because in the end it was still just his own version of the story that he might be trying to clean up and look nicer. He showed proof he worked as a delivery driver and as part-time electrician for emergency situations and weekends. (The company has a website with a “meet our team” page and his name and picture is on it.) He said he had documentation from his trials and prison time, but obviously not with him. He could show it to me on our next meeting if I wanted. I said I would like that. He was released early from prison because he had taken classes in prison to become an electrician and good behavior and overpopulation in prisons. He still had a police officer he had to see every once in a while at the police station and asked whether I would want to go with him next time. If I had more questions, he could ask them from the third person who I could definitely trust. This surprised me but I said I think I would like that but I wasn't sure yet.

We made some smalltalk after and left and we started texting each other more again without any mention of prison or such. That's where we are now. He will meet the police officer in a few weeks and I will probably go with him. I think he was open now about his experiences and it surprised me so I don't know whether it was TOO quick and TOO open? lol I don't know anymore, especially after reading everyone's comments on here. Any more input would be great, especially for questions to ask the police when I go with him.

Thanks again for all your comments, good and bad, and I wish you happiness, good health and kindness!