I scared my fiancé away from marrying me. : TrueOffMyChest (Sanest Reddit Foid)

Throwaway because he knows I use reddit.

The title only says so much about the situation.

He and I have had a loving relationship for the last 2 years and a half. He proposed to me this past February. We were so happy and picked our venue and started with some of the planning. We still have a year to go so we had been leisurely figuring it out.

Shit hit the fan last week when he went on a trip to Hawaii by himself. I have bad abandonment/attachment issues and a mood disorder for which I take meds and go to therapy every two weeks, so I feel everything 10x more than the average person (no excuse for what follows below). I essentially feel like the whole world is ending when he's gone.

Anyways - I was anxious, angry, and sad that he left. I couldn't eat sleep, eat, or even work. I wasn't functioning and even doing things that I love to do by myself felt like too much because I was doing it just to cover being upset.

Whenever he leaves, even for boys night my instinct is to not talk to him, but this time he'd be gone for a whole week. I was freaking out from even the day before he left. I told him he couldn't take my luggage, I refused to give him a ride to the airport and the last thing I said to him before he left the house was “frick you.”

Well - As the week went by it all got worse. I was texting vile things to him just to disrupt his trip. I told him to die, to frick off, that I didn't love him, that I could do better than him, that I hoped his trip was miserable, and told him I hated the friend that he went with. I did so in what looking back was a creepy obsessive way. This was the whole time he was gone, but it got worse the day before he came back. He was going to dinner with his friend and I convinced myself he was ignoring me, so I told him thatI decided that I'd call him repeatedly just to “frick with him” I regret this so much. I left him over 40 missed calls. He found it disturbing and said he didn't want to talk to me. The next day I wanted to die of remorse. I punished myself by reading the definition of “disturbing” a million times and asking myself why did I do that and so sad that I fit the definition of disturbing.

I apologized the next day, expressed my remorse and my understanding that calling him over 40 times was absolutely inappropriate. Of course his friend found out and even freaked out thinking I'd call him too (I wouldn't).

As part of my apology and wanting to make things better I offered to get him from the airport )which I initially refused to do. It was so awkward it felt like standing in front of a total stranger. Radio silence in the car. I don't blame him for it. He said we needed to talk. Those words are so so so scary. He didn't break up with me, but told me that he reached out to other friends, his parents and siblings to tell them what happened. They all said I'm emotionally abusive and don't support our wedding. Now he wants to push back the date, which is heartbreaking to me.

His words to me have been “I don't know how you'll do it, but you have to fix this mess. I can't do this without my family and friends, they don't support this anymore.”

I'm afraid our relationship is only going to bleed out until it dies. I don't know how I can even show “changes in my behavior” in less than a year. I burned an insane amount of bridges and now I see an abuser in every mirror. I'm so embarrassed about this that I don't even know if I can tell my therapist.

I want to crawl under a rock and die.

This isn't the first time I blow up a partners' phone, it happened about 5 years ago or more, and it's when I first sought help. This time I feel hopeless and helpless.

How desperate would you have to be to stay with someone after this shit?