Our Threesome Broke Me

Original Post recovered with rareddit Nov 27, 2023

Throwaway, even though I'm absolutely certain my husband would figure out it's about us if he ever came across this post.

Also, before I get started, I am NOT interested in leaving my marriage. Our relationship is otherwise loving, respectful, kind, and balanced.

Now to the story:

This turned into a lonnnnnng diary-like post. My apologies for the length.

Me, F35. Him, M37. Married 16 years.

We had a threesome. Two, actually, with the same person. I set it up. It's always been a fantasy of his, and although I was on the fence, there were things I wanted to explore, too. We lost our virginity to each other, so our outside experience was very limited

I went on my first "solo" vacation earlier this year. I don't know if it was the whole "absence make the heart grow fonder" or what, but my husband and I were like horny teenagers again when I got back. That's when the whole threesome thing really took off.

I set up the dating apps. I wrote what we were looking for. I initiated all conversations. Once I confirmed our match was 100% on board, he joined the chat. He let me lead, because in his words, he was happy either way. I've always been bi-curious, and he's fantasized about threesomes. Seemed like the only way to flesh it out.

We met a few women in person. Our approach was conservative: talk, go on a date, go from there. Everyone was great about discussing boundaries, and I felt safe. We chose one woman, because I didn't want to manage multiple "external" partners.

The first encounter was great, mostly for them. There was equal attention between all parties, but I was extremely nervous and uncomfortable. Nothing felt enjoyable to me, but they both came, and my husband and I went home. He was very affectionate and encouraging. I chalked my discomfort up to first time jitters.

The second encounter was two rounds.

The initial date was amazing. Dinner, sightseeing, drinks, great conversation. I legitimately like her.

Round one: I was more open. But still nervous. I realized then that I wanted to experience a woman on my own, not with an audience (my husband). I felt awkward and inexperienced and embarrassed. They again got along well. Great chemistry. He finished in me, and she and I took a shower together. If the night had stopped here, everything would have been fine.

Round two is what broke me. It was late. We were all staying in the hotel this time. The three of us, in a king size bed. I didn't want to sleep next to her, so my husband was in the middle. At some point, when I was mostly asleep, I could tell they were messing around, just the two of them. I FROZE. This was a boundary that he knew about, but I didn't discuss with her because I trusted him. ("I don't want to wake up to you two messing around.") He asked my "permission" to have s*x with her. I should have said anything other than "sure", but I was legitimately frozen. I don't know how else to describe it. Couldn't move, couldn't speak. Paralyzed by something - I still don't know what. I was lying on my stomach at the edge of the bed while they fricked. I could see their shadows on the wall. I heard everything. She said I was a lucky woman as she came a third time (something I've never been able to do). He finished.

It made me sick. Right there. I finally got my senses back and ran to the bathroom and was sick. She offered to leave (I'm sure it was awkward), but I asked her to stay. We gave her a ride home in the morning. Hugged goodbye. On the ride back home, my husband and I talked. He made a comment about how the second round was good for his ego - he's lucky if I come at all, let alone multiple times.

I SOBBED for hours after we got home. I don't know why it hurt so much. My husband was gentle and kind to me after. Apologized repeatedly for violating the boundary, and for the "ego" comment. It broke me deeply, but I felt there was nothing to forgive. I set myself up for this.

She ended things a couple weeks later. She said I wasn't ready, and she's right.

It's been about four months since the incident I call "Round 2". I canNOT let it go. How can I measure up to that? How can he be satisfied with me anymore?

He has reassured me whenever I've brought it up. Which was only a couple times, because I don't want to burden him with this. It messed me up to the point where I have almost no s*x drive, and I'm numb when he's inside me. I miss our s*x life...

How do I move on from this experience?

TLDR: we had a threesome, that was more like a twosome, and I can't get over the hurt.

ADDITIONAL INFORMATION FROM OOP

Comment Here

Last night:

More of the same. He does seem genuinely remorseful. He apologized again, but doesn't know how to make it right. I'm not entirely sure, either. I did say he needs to seek me out more. A lot of the affection in our relationship is one-sided: I seek him for hugs, handholding, quality time, etc. He reciprocates, but rarely initiates.

What I'd really like to hear is, "I cheated". I want him to own it full-on. I gave him about 15min to read the post and top comments, and asked if he noticed a theme. Crazy how it took a boatload of internet strangers to help confirm what I knew, but couldn't admit. But I still don't think he grasps the gravity of it.

Today is a little different. This was all over text.

He threw the shower thing back in my face, even though there are texts well beforehand saying he was ok with she and I having some alone time, as long as he was in the room. And he also watched.

He also reminded me that I said "ok" when he asked permission. I saw red and sent a barrage of angry messages. No name-calling. Just a lot of f-bombs about violated boundaries, lack of awareness, and overall selfishness. He hasn't replied yet.

I'm not innocent in this. I really, truly acknowledge that.And like I said, if we had ended the evening after Round 1 and the shower, I'd still be completely interested on more threesomes. But I saw the side of him that couldn't give two shits about me when he has something to gain, all while I'm in an incredibly vulnerable place - a place where he should encourage, protect, and advocate. So heck no, not giving him that opportunity again.

I know my marriage will never be the same. Maybe in the long run, that's a good thing.

Update Dec 10, 2023

I deleted my original post, but I'm sure it lives on somewhere...

Long story short, I came to Reddit two weeks ago to hash out some feelings I had following our second FFM threesome (July 2023). My husband broke a boundary by having a "twosome" with the other woman that started while I was sleeping. It felt like infidelity right in front of my face.

Thousands of people reacted to the post, most stating that his actions were cheating. Another large portion believed I gave consent, because my husband asked my "permission" and I froze and did not say "no". Many people called me stupid. I can understand all perspectives.

I agree, it was cheating. You don't ask to change a boundary in the act of breaking it. He understands that now - hindsight is 20/20. While I disagree with him believing he had consent, I forgive him. He has since genuinely apologized and is remorseful. I agree that a threesome was stupid for us to do, and that none of us three was ready for a threesome. I lack a spine, and they lack impulse control.

In my original post, I said our marriage was otherwise good. I really truly mean that. We are not perfect, but our relationship was respectful, kind, loving, and balanced. We discussed a threesome for months, going over feelings and potential negative outcomes, but felt the benefit outweighed the risk. Stupid, I know. Again, hindsight is 20/20.

I spoke with a marriage counselor. I explained how I feel traumatized, how my body doesn't respond to my husband since that night, and how I desperately want to stay and leave at the same time. I started looking at apartments and embraced the thought of having space to heal, but my heart was breaking, too.

In a nutshell, the counselor said leaving is the easy thing to do. She didn't blame me for wanting to walk away. The pain is real and living like this is hard. The harder thing would be to stay and work to repair the damage, and rebuild the trust that we had for so many years.

I am going to lose a TON of karma for saying this.... but I choose to stay and rebuild. My marriage is worth saving, and my opinion matters more than the words of strangers. I will continue individual therapy, and we will see a marriage counselor.

And no more threesomes. What a sh*tshow.

TLDR. I'm staying.