I've Had the Same Problem With Every Peepee I've Encountered. Some Would Say It's a Good Thing.

Dear How to Do It,

I'm in desperate need of position suggestions from an expert, and not the far reaches of the internet! I (cis woman) relatively recently started having s*x with my GF, a relatively sexually inexperienced person (they/them). I'm also FWB with a physically disabled person (they/them). Both are fully aware of the other, we're poly and we communicate, just stating that for the record.

Both of my partners have peepees. Every single peepee-owning sexual partner I've had in my life has slipped out of me---I move a lot, and apparently get wetter than most of my partners' previous partners, so this doesn't surprise me. I like a giggle during s*x and it's not like I mind the extra stimulation on my clit! However I know my GF is a little shy about their inexperience, and that they get a little flustered in the moment if we don't get the angles quite right, and I'd like to give them a little gentle guidance until they're more comfortable with how we work together. Our best luck has been to prop my butt up on a pillow and push one or both of my legs up while we face each other.

My FWB is disabled and not always able to make a lot of active movements during s*x (sometimes they're able to rail me, sometimes not). My biggest problem is that when I'm riding them their during stronger physical symptom days, I have trouble keeping myself balanced, up, and on all without using their body for support---it's like if I try to reach the bed with one hand, I slip off their peepee or lose my leverage (bad symptom days mean I can't put too much pressure in one spot, and that they may not have the strength to help support my thighs or butt).

I am a fat woman with, primarily, a big belly and some thicker thighs, so I take up a bit of space from the front. A lot of s*x advice is aimed at skinny people and is not always super comfortable when you have to factor in a belly! Any position ideas I can subtly but confidently introduce to my GF, and any tips for riding peepee better when I'm a dizzy girl who needs to create support to stop from falling?

---I know part of the answer is "do core exercises and leg day"

Dear Core Exercises and Leg Day,

For help with your question, I reached out to Hanne Blank Boyd, author of Big Big Love: A S*x and Relationships Guide for People of Size (and Those Who Love Them) and writer of the Reasons Not to Quit substack. She had a lot of ideas, which I'm sharing in full below. It's a good thing that she delivered, too, because I was going to suggest installing a grab bar on the wall near your bed, which may have been less than aesthetically pleasing (though probably fine if you have something like a play room with a bunch of different s*x options like a sling or a rack of toys). Don't try that before trying these much simpler ideas courtesy of Boyd:

My best advice for this person is to consider positioning with a view toward what firm/supportive structures are nearby or can be nearby. For instance, instead of positioning themselves with their heads toward the head of the bed and feet toward the foot, if there is a wall at the head of the bed or a sturdy headboard, positioning so that they are alongside that wall/headboard and can use it for support is an option. So is putting a chair beside the bed, with the chair back toward the edge of the bed---again a thing you can hang on to and use for support.\

A pillow under the butt of the person on the bottom also can help to create more space both for bigger belly and bigger thighs for the person on top. If that's not possible, consider reverse cowgirl---if the person on top is facing the other person's feet that usually makes more room for bellies/thighs. The support issue remains, but can be ameliorated with some firm cushions to either side (couch cushions can be great, or yoga bolsters).

I want to commend you for being as in touch with your partners' feelings and limitations as you are. You sound truly considerate and connected. If you find yourself needing more guidance, keep in mind that Boyd is available for one-on-one consulting "for people looking for guidance and support with regard to medical and body neutrality concerns." More info here.