i say this dead serious. my phantom kitty issues have gotten a lot worse recently. what the heck do i do? this is really deranged but it's like I know what it feels like to get peepeeed down and I absolutely need that rn. i started crying while making out with my fwb because i could feel her peepee rubbing up against my crotch and i just really wanted to put it into a hole that i dont have. im just wayyy to close to ending my life over this shit.
the horny is getting overwhelming. i'm nervous that all of the men in my life are going to notice that ive been checking them out. wtf do i do !cuteandvalid
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Life is more of a caste system than we are willing to admit. Despite allowing for social mobility, the real factor is genetics, which is fixed at birth no matter how much luck one is afforded after. Everything wrong with me, my lack of talent and all 2 trillion mental illnesses, is directly caused by genetics. Since I am not a robot that can be reprogrammed or transferred between devices, these parts of my life are immutable. The only options are trying to accept it (impossible) or living a comfortable lie like a
(not effective on me).
I have tried everything. The toxic positivity mentality that dominates today's society only leads to victim blaming (since we apparently choose to be happy, therefore anyone who isn't must be choosing not to be). This makes it next to impossible to get any help, because everyone goes straight to this positivity crap and then turns me away when I "refuse" to cooperate. I suppose most people can't handle the fact that they really have no say in their own wellbeing, owing it all to factors outside of their control, and that many if not most others end up doomed with no hope. I mean try telling someone in a concentration camp in North Korea to "just think positive."
I suppose I am a bit of a schizo. There's a long lineage of women on one side of my family being mentally ill and paranoid. But, a lot of my "paranoid" predictions end up coming true (reddit cabal, ruqqus cabal, several government & corporate conspiracies, soon WWIII & American Civil War), so maybe "schizophrenia" is just a way to dispose of unpopular opinions? I will admit I'm over the top when it comes to me specifically though. At the very least I usually take things too personally. But it's important to remember that this matrix conspiracy affects all of us; if I'm of any great importance, it's probably only because I'm one of the few who are aware of it. I think we're held back primarily by brainwashing and exhaustion; and when brainwashing fails on people like me, the operators resort to extreme stress and gaslamping. My whole life has been one big gaslamping operation for years, beginning around the time I began questioning deep things. I even busted a loop of events I've been through several times, which I subsequently tested and the matrix noticed and tried to get me to continue with it (eventually it forced me through just barely). If you really think about it, it makes no sense for this universe to be "real" in any meaningful sense. Where is it coming from? I think we actually do live in a machine, which several people have caught glimpses of like this. I know I never had an experience like that, but it feels really eerily familiar to me, and I'm hardly the only one. Whatever it is it's VERY bad if it's true, I suspect it may even be what we call the devil. In any case it's clearly demonic in origin, which shows in its compassionless "mechanical" nature. And there's a decent number of hints in the Bible that our world IS what people call Heck, and that it's run by demons. Suddenly all sorts of religious concepts from all over the world are compatible with each other and make sense in modern times. But this has been suppressed for centuries, and the masses are convinced of pagan notions of "Heaven and Heck" and that we need saved from a future event rather than our current condition, which is utterly perfect and must never be criticized. It's a lot harder to escape from a prison you don't even realize you're in. I know this all sounds crazy but if you even give it a moment's consideration it makes sense. People are in denial, the truth frightening and they prefer to live a comfortable delusion, and dislike anyone who threatens to shatter it.
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I respectfully disagree with your view on what you call "the real factor". Of course, genetics play an important role in what kind of person you can become, and sometimes our physical limitations may seem like a burden, but that also very much depends on your perspective. One person might lose a leg and give up their dream of running professionally, while another one decides to slap on a prosthetic and d dedicates their life to developing even better running aids. What to one is a hard limit, a full stop, is a range for the next. A field to explore and make their own. Your body might not be able to sufficiently regulate your serotonin levels on its own (as an example for physically induced depression), but it still is on you to decide whether to wallow in self pity or take medication that balances your hormone levels.
That is said without knowing exactly what "2 trillion mental illnesses" you have, yes, and perhaps there aren't always convenient and easy solutions such as supplements or a dietary change for everything that plagues you. The question is: Have you ever wanted to find out about that, though? Or is it more comfortable to give up control to an outside factor?
Schizophrenia, in my understanding, is puzzling everything that happens in or around your life into one giant plot that somehow centers on your person. The guy asking you for the time on your walk this morning did not smile out of politeness or because he is friendly, it was actually meant as a secret nod from the agent investigating the time machine you are building in your cellar. You are also one of the few people who figured out how to build a successful prototype and that is why they need you, the random basement dweller whose most accomplished work probably resembles more of a potato powered clock than anything breaking apart time and space. In your mind it all makes sense, though, and this machine is, of course, more than it looks like. You then continue to vlog for the rest of your days, every passing day driving deeper into the story you made up, getting lost in all the details until barely anyone is able to comprehend your way of thinking anymore. What started with a physics experiment probably turned into incoherent ramblings about Hollywood paedophiles at around vlog #267. That is schizophrenia.
I'm not saying this lightly, but consider this: We went from an online friend who surpassed you at art to the matrix to "this world is the biblical heck" all in the span of two messages. If you ever believed schizophrenia to be a real affliction, I reiterate: Maybe it would be wise to seek more qualified advice here. Or have someone get you in contact with a shrink.
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I already have seen professionals, and it all still boils down to toxic positivity and how to wear a smile despite how I'm really feeling. It's difficult to get to the point where they're willing to consider medication, and I was still a kid back then so I had to hide a lot of my struggles to avoid being punished for it. On top of that, one of my parents is paranoid about possible side effects from medication and would rather see me suffer through life than risk that (and yes I would still be given heck for disobeying even though I'm an adult, and so would other family members). About 2 years ago I finally managed to get about the lightest medication ever. It helps, but just barely.
I'm an adult, but a very young one and not at the age where most people are completely independent yet. I don't think I'm in anywhere near a stable enough condition to be independent on top of school and other obligations. And like I said before, that doesn't matter much in my family, my one parent will not stop fighting anyone until they finally give in. My entire family is also in big time denial that anything bad could ever happen to their favorite kid (I was the only child in my whole extended family in my area for quite a while), so I'm not allowed to speak up or even vent because my life is always perfect so I have nothing to complain about. Me being in perpetual heck is the greatest nightmare they can imagine, and they can't let it be true. I'm also considered "gifted" (bullshit, I used to be but then stuff happened), and people don't seem to think it's possible for a smart person to be mentally ill. I'm also supposedly a good person (also bullshit), and according to the just world hypothesis that everyone except me believes, bad things only happen to bad people. There's just too much stigma against mental health right now, even from professionals. The political climate doesn't help either, because if any illnesses are genetic or caused by physical factors, it's harder to claim that it's {insert political scapegoat here}'s fault. Everything has to be explained entirely by social factors and identity politics. For example, trans people aren't suffering from a tragic disorder, they're "oppressed"; this mentality goes so far that those with gender dysphoria are accused of "internalized transphobia". I'm glad we're steering clear of ableism and giving people like me a chance, but it's harder than ever to get much-needed help.
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