i say this dead serious. my phantom kitty issues have gotten a lot worse recently. what the heck do i do? this is really deranged but it's like I know what it feels like to get peepeeed down and I absolutely need that rn. i started crying while making out with my fwb because i could feel her peepee rubbing up against my crotch and i just really wanted to put it into a hole that i dont have. im just wayyy to close to ending my life over this shit.
the horny is getting overwhelming. i'm nervous that all of the men in my life are going to notice that ive been checking them out. wtf do i do !cuteandvalid
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I respectfully disagree with your view on what you call "the real factor". Of course, genetics play an important role in what kind of person you can become, and sometimes our physical limitations may seem like a burden, but that also very much depends on your perspective. One person might lose a leg and give up their dream of running professionally, while another one decides to slap on a prosthetic and d dedicates their life to developing even better running aids. What to one is a hard limit, a full stop, is a range for the next. A field to explore and make their own. Your body might not be able to sufficiently regulate your serotonin levels on its own (as an example for physically induced depression), but it still is on you to decide whether to wallow in self pity or take medication that balances your hormone levels.
That is said without knowing exactly what "2 trillion mental illnesses" you have, yes, and perhaps there aren't always convenient and easy solutions such as supplements or a dietary change for everything that plagues you. The question is: Have you ever wanted to find out about that, though? Or is it more comfortable to give up control to an outside factor?
Schizophrenia, in my understanding, is puzzling everything that happens in or around your life into one giant plot that somehow centers on your person. The guy asking you for the time on your walk this morning did not smile out of politeness or because he is friendly, it was actually meant as a secret nod from the agent investigating the time machine you are building in your cellar. You are also one of the few people who figured out how to build a successful prototype and that is why they need you, the random basement dweller whose most accomplished work probably resembles more of a potato powered clock than anything breaking apart time and space. In your mind it all makes sense, though, and this machine is, of course, more than it looks like. You then continue to vlog for the rest of your days, every passing day driving deeper into the story you made up, getting lost in all the details until barely anyone is able to comprehend your way of thinking anymore. What started with a physics experiment probably turned into incoherent ramblings about Hollywood paedophiles at around vlog #267. That is schizophrenia.
I'm not saying this lightly, but consider this: We went from an online friend who surpassed you at art to the matrix to "this world is the biblical heck" all in the span of two messages. If you ever believed schizophrenia to be a real affliction, I reiterate: Maybe it would be wise to seek more qualified advice here. Or have someone get you in contact with a shrink.
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I already have seen professionals, and it all still boils down to toxic positivity and how to wear a smile despite how I'm really feeling. It's difficult to get to the point where they're willing to consider medication, and I was still a kid back then so I had to hide a lot of my struggles to avoid being punished for it. On top of that, one of my parents is paranoid about possible side effects from medication and would rather see me suffer through life than risk that (and yes I would still be given heck for disobeying even though I'm an adult, and so would other family members). About 2 years ago I finally managed to get about the lightest medication ever. It helps, but just barely.
I'm an adult, but a very young one and not at the age where most people are completely independent yet. I don't think I'm in anywhere near a stable enough condition to be independent on top of school and other obligations. And like I said before, that doesn't matter much in my family, my one parent will not stop fighting anyone until they finally give in. My entire family is also in big time denial that anything bad could ever happen to their favorite kid (I was the only child in my whole extended family in my area for quite a while), so I'm not allowed to speak up or even vent because my life is always perfect so I have nothing to complain about. Me being in perpetual heck is the greatest nightmare they can imagine, and they can't let it be true. I'm also considered "gifted" (bullshit, I used to be but then stuff happened), and people don't seem to think it's possible for a smart person to be mentally ill. I'm also supposedly a good person (also bullshit), and according to the just world hypothesis that everyone except me believes, bad things only happen to bad people. There's just too much stigma against mental health right now, even from professionals. The political climate doesn't help either, because if any illnesses are genetic or caused by physical factors, it's harder to claim that it's {insert political scapegoat here}'s fault. Everything has to be explained entirely by social factors and identity politics. For example, trans people aren't suffering from a tragic disorder, they're "oppressed"; this mentality goes so far that those with gender dysphoria are accused of "internalized transphobia". I'm glad we're steering clear of ableism and giving people like me a chance, but it's harder than ever to get much-needed help.
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