anon is literally me

I'm 41, been browsing this hole on/off for a few years as a repper, never seriously considered ing because i didn't want to disappoint my family. Last night I received the news that my years long battle with lung cancer has effectively been lost and i have months to live.

I'm filled with nothing but regret, I won't be committing suicide but i feel like I fell victim to the later half of the "transition or die" moniker anyway, I never got to live, and now I never will. In months from now I'll be buried under a male name and remembered as such, I first contemplated transition in 2000 at age 18 and never went through, thought I'd never really want that or be happy/

Now I'm here, I've cried multiple times and have had to tell my wife it's about her, not the fact that I've lost her, who I was meant to be inside. She never got to live.

To any of you in a similar position to I was 23 years ago, don't repress, you don't want to be effectively laying on your deathbed mourning what should have been, like me.

-Christine