EFFORTPOST Southern Africa Bribing Storytime

Greetings Dramastrags.

I've just come from the annual Free State and Northern Cape SAGI conference. SAGI is an organization which promotes the interests of Surveyors in South Africa. During these meetings we all complain and lament about the horrible fate of being born the lowest of Mayos - South Africans, and b-word about our trouble in our industry with corruption and governmental incompetence.

Afterwards we drink and gorge ourselves into an early night of babelas (drunken stupur), and snore it off to repeat for the next 2 days.

Tonight I was the youngest survey strag in the entirety of the two provinces by at least 15-20 years. I'm 29, and the next youngest is a work colleague at 48. So I basically sat taken prisoner by old hardcore South African Union afrikaner guys who've been through shit, seen some shit, and each probably murdered about 10 communists by the time they were my age back during the Angolan-Namibian Bush War between SWAPO and the South African Defence Forces. It was very intimidating (me on the left; them on the right)

Tonight we talked about bribe stories and I just have to fricking share them with you strags!

STORY 1:

We'll call the 1st boer Piet. Piet began his misadventures about pre COVID in 2019 when he had to go on a flight from RSA to Owstralia, to share practices and tech shit between the 2 nations' survey organizations or something equivalently boring. Regardless, the previous day he took the jewelry case of his long dead sister, which he had promised to give to his niece who had emigrated to Owstralia a decade earlier. He states that he just inspected the case and saw golden rings and pearls and other very expensive treasures, and basically just threw the lot into a Bank bag - a bag typically used for treasures like jewlery when depositing into physical bank saves. This lack of further inspection of the contents would be his undoing a day later - but since he's an honourable man with no avarice, he didn't even think to look into the case's content of fabolous treasures which a lessor man would have been tempted to steal from.

He placed the Safe bag into a Hiker's Backpack, which had tons of super secure and secret holding spaces to wield with him during the flight, since he sure as shit didn't trust RSA custodians taking care of his main luggage.

He arrived at Cape Town's airport like 4 hours early and thought to himself that he would enjoy an early breakfast and ensure he was through customs, and would wait patiently at the boarding gate. At the customs, security inspection magnetic X-ray gate things went south fricking quickly. The X-ray machine beeped ominously, and the custodian who barely spoke english, was like "nonononono, you have to go back"

Minus keys, sellphone and other iron crap he went again, BEEEEP. Ah oh. This time the backpack was isolated, and identified as the culpret. Beeeeeeeeeeeep. Oh god, Piet was looking at his watch, least he was early. They threw aaaal the shit out of the backpack, and still "nonononono". Eventually Piet got nervous that these frickers were after the jewelry, he had to help them open all the complex secured minibags and zips just to eventually get to the culprit, the aforementioned Safebag. Piet's stomach fell beneath his boots, he feared his niece's jewelry he had promised to transport would be attempted to be bribed from his fingers before he would be allowed to cross over customs.

And then, as they opened the safebag, and threw out the jewelry, the cullprut fell out: a bullet!! A fricking fully loaded, unspent bullet from a caliber Piet had never seen in his life, and he's an avid hunter like all goed non strag boers are. WTF. Where in heck did this come from, it was clearly mixed among the jewelry case which he had not spent even an instant to inspect the day before. Now he was in trouble, he had attempted to smuggle live ammunition aboard an airplane. Piet looked at his watch 3 hours to go.

The moronic looking custodian barked into her walkie talkie and summoned her higher up superior. Questions after questions, does Piet own a firearm, does he know where this bullet came from, did someone tamper with his luggage without his notice. Piet knew he was guilty as sin of breaking SA law, doesn't matter if it was accident or unintentional - 2.5 hours to go.

Finally his answers were unsatisfactory, and a uniform police officer was summoned - the fattest man Piet had ever seen in his life. How his stick legs kept up his bulk without snapping, it was like Giraffe legs keeping up a Hippo or Rhino. Piet was taken to be grilled into an isolated inspection room, lucky at least the custodians were not interested of robbing him of his jewelry, but now he was facing something greater, being jailed - or worse, missing his flight!

After extensive grilling and shit talking the fat officer turned out to be actually quite friendly and deduced that piet wasn't a terrorist, he was simply r-slurred. The police informed the custodian b-word that he saw no reason to detain him, and would personally confiscate and destroy the wayward bullet, and would not arrest him, that really pissed off the custodian c*nt, cuz she clearly was not satisfied with this answer.

Piet took his backpack and hightailed it to the boarding gate before the dumb broad could object. 1 Hour left. He was completely jittered and not in the mood for a relaxing breakfast anymore. His eyes glued to the clock, his cellphone rang, it was the custodian inspection and they told him that everything was in order. Piet relaxed. 1/2 hour before boarding. His cellphone rang again - it was the custodian services again, this time however they said said shit was actually NOT OKAy and he must submit back to the fricking X-ray line again.

Piet basically shit brix, and stood sweating bullets at the boarding gate just 10 minutes before opening, and the other passengers was already forming a line, hoping that he could just avoid the broad. Piet says to the rest of us around the table guffawing at his past misery that he didn't know why the heck he thought he would get away with it.

As he was the very last passenger about to be turned in at the noarding gate, he saw out of the corner of his eye, another custodian lady walking with purpose into the direction of his boarding gate, he knew without anouncement she was looking for no one else but him. 10 seconds. He takes out his Passport and Ticket, but the scanner starts beeping and thunping and flashing red, as if personally affronted by Piets presence - clearly this fricker was terrorist, and the boarding gate guard was like NOPE.

Piet turned around with limp peepee in hand, head hanging towards the custodian Lady which was standing behind him and calmly said. plz come with me Sir.

They went back to the security Isolation chamber where officer Hippo had investigated him an hour before - this time with his entire Pull-Luggage bag on a lone chamber, clearly not having been loaded onto his plane. The custodian says they need to inspect his shit, but they need to do so in his presence.

Piet now foaming, says he cant open it, cuz the luggage bag is closed with cable ties and Ducktape, he no knife or anything. They give him a 10 year old broken stump pair of scissors. He decides if he breaks the scissors, he''s gonna remove that cable ties in like 10 seconds flat, and proceeds to molest his bag. 2 minutes later, Piet puffin with effort, the bag is made accessible and open.

They throw out his carefully packed clothes and shit, and zoom into the culprit of concern. His fricking camping flashlight. The custodian lady replies that he's allowed to have the flashlight and batteries in his storage lugagage and must carry it with him in his backpack.

Silence. Wut. That's it. That's it says the new custodian lady. Piet's mind is blank. What the actual frick

Never in his long life of flying had he heard such All this kak, just for the flashlight?? Can I just go now Piet asks

The chipper Custodian lady replies: yup. As if everything was normal and sane, and he hadn't just been made a fool of in the universe. The Dunning-Chad-Kruger lady dismisses him like a cuck, and Piet basically breaks world reccords to go throw his Luggage back into the luggage import section, and back through boarding gate, the gate lady smugly smirking at him, or at least he thinks so.

He makes the cuck walk of shame into the plane, which has now been delayed by half an hour just for him, and 300 other passengers glare at him in annoyance as just waddles with his backpack and fleshlight past to go sit in the naughty boy chair. The rest of us are sniggering at him behind the braai.

In Owstralia, Piet basically manhandles his surprised niece at the airport, and just punch shoves the jewelry bag into her hands and goes jumping into a lake or something.

The rest of us are calling Piet a terminal r-slur, the very 1st custodian lady was expecting a bribe to just let him through. The fact that he was literally carrying jewels and shit upon an airplane, basically marked him as a wealthy man, and people who screw up by having contraband like weaponry or ammunition in his possesion, gets singled out with the expectation that they would bribe his way out, if the police find him not a threat. Had he just slipped a mere R100 note, his shit would have ended in the 1st hour. The battery nonsense, was custodian Lady nr. 1 screwing him over for bulking her off, as marking him with further plausible contraband, to be inspected.

4 years after the event, Piet just says: Oh.

STORY 2:

Koos starts his bribe story by talking about how during his vacation in the Khalahari to Namibia tour. He basically packs his bakkie with pineapples before going to the border, because he knows that the border guards love searching for bogus contraband, and he basically lets the gaurds keep the pineapples which are very cheap in comparison to paying bribe money, since they already would grab that shit out of the car/pick-up truck they would be reluctant to return the juicy looking fruit, and be all to happy when the generous white tourist would donate these fruit which are non existant in the mostly dessert Namibia.

But the real drama starts with is his long time friend whom is an afrikaner local of Namibia whom would drive the part around in his excessively oversized gigachad 4x4 OFF-road mega truck. The type of vehicle which haunts /r/frickcars denizens' dreams. We'll call him dsishit Jaco.

Bribing is pretty fricking common among all of the southern african nations bordering RSA, at least for tourists, and especially white ones. From Namibia, Zambia, Zimbabwe, Angola, Mozambique and Botswana, Of all of them only Bots has the best economy and police force, but even they immediately go full Libertarian anarchist when tourists with disposable money is involved. Of all of the tourism bribary, Namibian borderguards are the least corrupt regarding scamming tourists, but that's still a low low bar. I do hear shitholes like Paris and Rome also has a massive scamming of tourists and bribary issue, so this is probably universal behaviour.

Anyways dipshit Jaco would drive the tour party around to see some tourist junk, cuz he had a liscence as a resident of Namidia. Or he was supposed to have, apparently the very 1st traffic cop which stopped Jaco found his liscence expired, which dipshit Jaco knew. Koos was very annoyed And Jaco knew it was expired, so now at the very 1st fricking speedcop they have to already give away money bribes, and its just the beginning of a 3 week vacation.

Now this was during COVID, and like their RSA neighbours, Namibia required that any vehicle with passengers required that all the tools inside needed to wear a mask at all times, nobody did so unless in the presence of police, cuz it was an r-slured policy, but better to keep ur head down.

So our friends Koos and Jaco would devise some sort of galaxy brain scheme, where they would use Koos' RSA liscence superimposed on Jaco's Printed out temp liscence, something which wouldn't pass check by a diligent cop, but Namibian cops are not Africa's finest. Legally Jaco wasn't allowed to drive till Namibian department would issue his new shit, but that would be well passed their 3 weeks planned vac, so Koos would pretend to be Jaco by, get this, keeping his fricking surgical facemask on with a hat on to fool the complacent speedcops during traffic stops.

And get this, apparently this fricking worked for like 90% of the vacation. Wut. I theorize that since all boer middle aged men have the same phenotype of having a bushy beard/ sideburns, and a beer belly at the age of 50, that even if their hair colour mismatches, this basically confuses the local indigenous african locals. By sheer force of by both the Kang speedcops and mayos involved in these, what must have been IRL Mister Bean comedy skits, they fricking made it through their tour not going to fricking jail for falsifying documents.

Unfortunately on the very very last day their luck ran out when Koos would ignore the panicked pointing and jumping of a local Samaritan Namibian trying to get his attention, when Koos drove past the local thinking it was another begger or scam artist. It turns out he was driving in the wrong direction on a One-Way street, and get this, straight into the clutches of a speedcop traffic camera unit, and was promptly stopped for investigation.

The Speedo was all like "Oooooh Ooooooh, u are in beeg trouble sir." Lucky for Mr Bean and company, this Speedcop had them instantly pined as rich (by Namibian tourists), and was egging for a big bribe intead.

Unfortunately for Koos, he had not prepared his wallet for bribing that day. You see the ideal way of dealing with bribary is not to have way too much money in your wallet in that instance otherwise, the bozos will take everything. But to also not to have to little, otherwise the Speedos can frick u over right then and there. Koos had all of his remaining shit in his wallet from the end of the vacation and ended up being turbo cucked by the Namibian Justice system for his wrongdoings, however a few thousand Rands later, the idiots were let go back to GTFO to south africa .

STORY 3:

This one involved myself and my family. Back when i was a tiny mayo wiglet, we would go tour in Zimbabwe. I'm pretty sure Zimbabwe is infamous now as a consequence of its economic spiral and colossal hyperinflation the likes of which had not been seen prior since the pre-nazi germany when the burgerland Great Depression took the entire earth down with it.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hyperinflation_in_Zimbabwe

https://www.worlddata.info/africa/zimbabwe/inflation-rates.php

What a lot of foreigner strags donn't know about Zimbabwe's horrific decline is that its APOCALYPTIC levels of decline didn't occur suddenly and overnight, but took a dreadful decade to realize.

It's also important to realize/ for foreigner to understand that the event which kickstarted the Zimbabwean Hyperinflation, namely the now also equally infamous chasing off of whites, specifically white farmers from their property which was basically confiscated at gun-level without due cause, and often overnight as whites previously known as Rhodesians, were often chased off in the middle of the night with nothing but their pajamas and small-clothes. The expulsion of white farmers also didn't occur suddenly but ocurred incrementally over decades.

Sometimes they were even attempted to be murdered in their beds, and only survived because their black loyal farm workers, or the local municipal black cops charged to the white owned farms in the middle of the night on their tooter-scooters, to warn the post-rhodesian boers there to GTFO and flee to South Africa/Namibia ASAP because the Zimbabwean military will come in the morning to confiscate everything, and rumours were spreading like wildfire that farmers were being murdered in their beds.

I know what many of you are thinkin: this sounds like total absolute bullshit, that there would be any black peeps in Zims that were actually loyal enough to their previous colonial overlords that they would risk the ire of the Zimbabwean Military forces to warn them to flee overnight and such. That's because race relations and politics post Rhodesia-to-Zimbabwe transition was extremely tumuluous and weird, and wasn't as simple as black-vs-white, at least compared to that of their South African neighbours down south.

Here is a short Youtube video to describe how Mugabe went full Erdogan, and changed rapidly from a national Zims black hero to full tyrant:

Basically many Black people of Zimbabwe had greater Loyalty towards Rhodesian whites, than they had to Mugabe.

https://www.genocidewatch.com/single-post/genocide-watch-country-report-zimbabwe

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/02564718.2021.1923695?journalCode=rjls20

"The Gukurahundi Genocide of 1983 to 1987 in Zimbabwe began with the desire by Robert Mugabe and his Zimbabwe African National Union Patriotic Front (ZANU-PF) political party for oneparty state rule under a life presidency. For that dark goal to be achieved the political opposition in shape of the Zimbabwe African People's Union (ZAPU) had to be eliminated"

https://www.genocidewatch.com/single-post/genocide-watch-country-report-zimbabwe

It's important to understand that (1) not all black peeps in Zims was part of the same ethnicity, and (2) that not all of them were Communists, liked communism or trusted the Soviet Union and their fricktard Cuban buddies. Many preferred liberal Democracy, and could see with their own eyes that African Americans enjoyed a much greater prosperity in burgerland, even with Segregation and a discriminatory past in the USA similar to that of RSA. They also realized that much of the reason why communist black Freedom fighters rose to incridible prominence and power in basically all of the various post colonial nations in Southern Africa, was directly as a result of the Soviet Union backing, and many of these non communist african saw the Soviet Union, as a Neo-colonizing force, similar to how we see China Neo-colonizaing Africa today. They didn't trust the Soviet Union, and believed communist Freedom Fighters and Political leaders were ideologically cucked by the Kremlin, and ideologically beholden to them as a new form of vassal states.

It's not like they liked the Colonizing forces of Western Europe, or because they didn't think America wasn't filled with racism and prejiduce and, they didn't like suck off the Boers of Rhodesia simply because of racism Stokholm syndrome, they just genuinely feared the totalitarian nature that the SOviet Union inspired, and feared the absolutism of Communist Freedom Fighters like Mugabe espoused in between talks of black emancipitation from their colonial overlords. If you look at past Youtube videos about Rhodesian forces, you'd see like 50% of the Rhodesian forces tend to be black, and not just white. Your 1st thought would be like: wtf, is this like sheep fighting for their wolf like colonial overlords?? The answer was never that simple, even as far back as 1950s black peeps would line up into the Rhodesian military cuz i fricking shit u not, they feared their country becomming communist more than they desired freedom from the White ruled minority of Rhodesia. It was less simple for them than RSA being white-vs-black, and instead being caught between the Devil and the Deep Sea.

But again this rambling should be its own Longpost, I'm merely trying to paint a summary of the nature of Zimbabwe when my family went touring there.

What's relevant to understand is that in the period of 2000 - 2010, Zimbabwe became the most favoured tourist attraction country for white Sef-Efricans because the rapid inflation of Zimbabwe meant that the Rand-to-Zimdollar exchange meant that Saffers felt like burgers who could tour there for a fraction of the price than they could in South Africa itself.

Also by 2000, the last of the farmer Hwhites had been chased of from Zimbabwe, and the genocide/expulsion had basically cooled the frick down since the commies and military strags who followed Mugabe, basically got what they wanted - namely the land which they had been promised, and believed that they were owed and still denied since Rhodesia-to-South Africa transition. So the danger to wiggers, at least foreigners had passed, and the Zimbabweans had realized how lucrative tourism was.

And like a frog being slowly cooked, the Zim commies didn't realize the apocalyptic time bomb they were sitting on, as the inflation was already increasingly dangerous since 1980s outstripping the GDP, with the country which used to be the breadbasket of Southern Africa, was being forced to buy grain and maize from its neighbours to make up for food shortfalls, since they basically in a sudden shock expulsed all of their commercial farmers.

Anyways back to the bribe story. back in 2007, I remember 1Rand was equivalent to 750 Zimdollars. Basically everything but petrol was bought for peanuts. Meaning even poor strags like my family could feel like kings and go camping in wonderful Zim National Parks.

Of course with every Southern African tour story, comes the inevitable bribe story told between tour parties at the night braai. Our Zim story basically started immediately when my dad and his 2nd hand 2x4 almost offroad bakkie drove up to the South African - Zimbabwe border control at the province of Limpopo. https://www.google.com/maps/place/Zimbabwe+Beitbridge+Immigration+Border+Post/@-22.2213102,29.9761096,5039m/data=!3m1!1e3!4m6!3m5!1s0x1ec8c86557379d8f:0x7eadc091283c9af7!8m2!3d-22.2181161!4d29.9862368!16s%2Fg%2F11c2ltvgvx

CONTEXT: Foot and Mouth disease amongst Southern African livestock

https://www.woah.org/en/disease/foot-and-mouth-disease/

Basically border control amongst Southern African countries are mostly the same to that of other countries - no contraband like firearms or drugs or whatever, with the extreme and very understandable exception being the transport of meat between the countries like Zimbabwe and South Africa. You see there exists a extraordinarily contageous disease which affects livestock like Horses, cows, sheep and goats - called Foot and Mouth disease. The sickness is very destructive and fatal to the animals ( the southern african variant at least), and can devastate entire herds. If The disease of Foot and Mouth is found in your herd it means complete financial devastation, as South African government mandates the immediate culling of all animals that share the corral or camp, even if only 1 of the animals in that herd tested positive, because of the extreme contageous nature of the sickness.

You need to understand how extraordinarily contageous this fricking sickness is. All excretions (shit) and secretions (like snot or even animal tears) contain the virus, even the mere wet breath of the animal contains the virus. This includes milk. But worst of all is that the virus completely survives the death of the animal and very very easily transmits between the meat of the slaughtered animal. It's so extreme, that human feces of people having eaten the dead meat of the infected animal could contain the still surviving virus.

But most extraordinary of all is that the disease is not transmissible between animals and Humans. Humans themselves are not affected by the Foot and Mouth diseases. Meaning that a reverse Black Death scenario plays out, where humans are the disease vectors of the virus onto herd animals while they themselves remain immune. Meaning unsuspecting farmers could spread the disease to their own stock after having eaten the meat of the recently slaughtered recently sick meat from his direct neighbour.

You can understand why both South Africa and its neighbours are very anal about never allowing the transport of meat of certain animal types between National or Provincial borders whenever the International CDC units have identified the outbreak of Haak en Steek/ Foot-and-MOuth disease.

So on that winter at the Zimbabwe-South African border we were informed that a Mouth and Foot disease had broken out in Limpopo in some backwater village down south, and Botswana, Zimbabwe and Mozambique border gaurds were issued with orders to ensure all sheep meat to be confiscated and destroyed at the border from South African tourists. Thus we recognized the reason for why the border lines were so massively long, compared to usual, every single car was being searched by the r-slurred the border gaurds

Why r-slurred? Because the borders kept and maintained by southern african countries are a joke, and a shadow of a shadow of their former selves. The border between Zims and South africa fences have holes every 100m, and on the south african side, every single metres of fencing and fencing poles have been stolen for scrap metal. Meanwhile our professional RSA soldiers whom are supposed to patrol the boundary, are busy sitting without their uniforms, which are hanging on wires drying, while the soldiers are squatting in their underwear ad gumboots nets to trash bin fires, barbequeing in pure lead bins, killing themselves with lead gas, eating the confiscated Sheep meat they were supposed to destroy

Meanwhile these fricking bordergaurds are throwing out white tourist's bags to get to their coolbag containers, to search VACOOMED plastic meat, which had been tested in 1st class slaughterhouses, to get the scary virus Meanwhile there is like fricking zero border control for human or animal. Fences haven't been maintained in 20 years, or are non-existent or stolen for scrap metal. The local black vendors who walk across the river with no Passports, to illegally sell stuff between Musina in South africa, and the border city Beitburg in Zimbabwe, but non of the soldiers of border gaurds give a shit cuz they cant get bribe money from poorstrags.

So there's this massive fricking show of ensuring the spread of the possible contagion is stopped by fricking with tourists, meanwhile fricking goats and sheep herders are walking their herds between the cars and between the borders , I shit you not. Very very Afrcan. As the african saying goes: the white man has the watch, but the black man has the time, ayy!

Anyways finally it's our Bakkie's turn to be molested by the hungry border gaurds, so my dad takes precaution to be have already dug out all of our coolers and coolbags and shit, so our clothes aren't thrown into the dust. The fat police guy with cheap chinese fake sunglasses, makes the big ceremonial action of inspecting our vacuum packed coolers, and with great fake surprise zeros into our sheep meat which we had packed the day before, unknowing of the (probably fake even) Contagion warning which the Border Control now has to contend with.

"Oooooh, OOOOOh" The Border Guard states with great method acting. "I'm afraid there are only 2 options, Sir. We must arrest you, or destroy this contraband!"

"Ah." Says my father "But there is a 3rd option."

"What is that?" Asks the gaurd.

"I can kindly donate it to youuu!" Says my father.

"That is a very good option!" The border gaurd states cheerily, and we get fast tracked to GTFO through the border for notbeing difficult, and basically playing along with the gaurds, and less than 2 hours later our tents were set up in the 1st National park. As we drive by all the stupid american and eurotrash tourists who don't understand how Africa works, and basically gave the bordergaurds lip and difficulty, we wave cheerily to the red faced and exasperated stupid foreigners with great friendliness.

Anyway that's it GOOD NIGHT!

PS: final thoughts would any of you straggots be interested in a Zimbabwe Hyperinflation dramapost?