EFFORTPOST THE FISH FILES

CARP DIDN'T WANT THIS RELEASED BUT HE REFUSED TO RELEASE THE HOUSE EDGY BADGES SO HERE YOU GO!

>be Abhishek's Aunt Andromeda (hippie not [this story takes place in 1969 {her real name is Betsy}])

>be at Woodstock

>be really into this whole Eastern religion thing despite knowing nothing about it

>meet this wise young guru from Bombay named Yudhishthira Thibodeauxshura

>be Yudhishthira Thibodeaxshura

>be actually a Puerto Rican named Enrique Jurado but be able to do a very convincing Indian accent (for the time)

>be surprised this whole guru thing has succeeded at getting you attention from mayofoids

>formulate a schizoplan

>tell Andromeda that you can awaken her sacral chakra

>she enthusiastically asks how

>tell her that it's easy, just let you have unprotected intercourse with her

>itworks.png

>skip town the next morning

>go to Detroit and become a car airbag tester for Ford Motor Company

>be Andromeda a few weeks after Woodstock

>supposed to have period

>

>be Andromeda a month after that

>

>decide to keep the baby since surely Yudhishthira knew this would happen and come back for his family

>be Andromeda on May 17th, 1970

>give birth to a beautiful baby girl

>name her Radjeesh (Andromeda didn't know any real Indian names so she made one up) Thibodeauxshura in the hopes that if Yudhishthira ever hears her name he will know she is his daughter

>raise Radjeesh as a single mother

>be Radjeesh

>be somehow much smarter than both of your parents

>be just as crazy as both of them

>get into Brown University's gender studies program

>while in university get into Spiderman comics

>really like the villain Morbius, the Living Vampire

>ship him with Spiderman extensively

>unknowingly be one of the first fujoishis

>fetishize gay men constantly

>develop autoandrophilia

>learn about trans people from gender studies courses (one was a professor)

>

>go for gender studies PhD

>write thesis on how the Yugoslav Civil War was a case of misandry from the female Serbia (-a is a feminine suffix) against FtM Kosovo (-o is a masculine suffix)

>get PhD in 1996

>come out of the closet as a trans man

>legally change name to Michael Morbius so you can be Dr. Michael Morbius IRL

>suddenly long to meet the father you never had

>ask Betsy (she's done being a hippy by then) about Dad

>he was Indian but spoke fluent English

>start thinking

>the only non-ameriKKKans who speak fluent English are Europeans

>thus Yudhishthira must be Indian-European

>the Indians that live in Europe are the Romani

>decide to go to the Romani nation, Romania, to search for Dad

>spend 20+ years there

>never find Dad

>but it's not all bad, you fall in love with the natural beauty of the Carpathian Mountains

>run a flower shop to sustain yourself (it doesn't actually turn a profit, royalties from your gender studies textbooks that get sold at Brown are what fund your existence)

>eventually move back to US because you miss potable water

>get really into social media

>dedicate your existence to fighting chuds

>eventually find a chud Reddit offshoot called Ruqqus

>start fighting hate there relentlessly

>be Abhishek

>janny a fetch forum called /r/drama

>be Plebbit admiggers

>hate a fetch forum called /r/drama

>put unsneedful restrictions on it to try to kill it

>be Abhishek

>see admiggers trying to kill your forum

>move your forum to its own new website, rDrama.net, to keep it safe

>realize you need active users

>start looking on Reddit's biggest alternative, Ruqqus, for talent

>see one dude in every single fricking thread

>realize it's your long-lost cousin Michael

>offer him a janny position on rDrama

>be Michael on May 26th, 2021

>accept

>name account after real-life occupation, florist in the Carpathians

>start treating the website like your personal playground

>userbase lovehates it

>be me

>make rDrama account November 17th, 2021

>see this CarpathianFlorist poster everywhere

>learn he looks like this

>be weirded out

>be Michael on April 1st, 2022

>your favorite superhero and namesake, Dr. Michael Morbius, has a movie that just came out

>watch it at midnight

>be Morbius (2022)

>suck

>be Michael at 1:44 AM on April 1st, 2022

>realize the movie is going to be memed to heck and you will be mocked for it

>go to Goochland County, VA courthouse (the county's main office) as soon as it oppens

>ask clerk for an application to legally change your name

>be clerk

>ask for visitor's name

>be Michael

>say it's Dr. Michael Morbius

>be clerk

>realize it's April 1st

>crack up

>be Michael

>say you're serious

>be clerk

>tell Michael to frick off, the joke's run its course

>be Michael

>leave, realizing the mistake he made 26 years ago

>be clerk

>be me

>realize that Michael looked familiar

>

>holyshit.png

>use governmental powers to gather info on Michael and his history

>it takes a while

>share what I've learned so far here

True story.

!schizomaxxxers !schizos !chuds !nonchuds !nooticers !edgelords !illuminati !glowies discuss.