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SIMPSONIANTHIELITEDOOMER
nice/kind
βPOSITIVE VIBE ZONEβ
9mo ago
(text post)
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#191311
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It has been a relaxed day out on the lake. The sun is shining, and it is warmer than usual for this time of the year. So far the fish have not been biting, but you are optimistic that you will make a good catch today. After all, it would be a shame if such a nice day was ruined by coming home empty handed.
Just as you think that, the rod suddenly starts moving!
'This is gonna be a big one!', you think to yourself and start pulling. The thought of roasted salmon already makes your mouth water. The fish puts up quite the fight, but you reel it in bit by bit. And then, with one last heave, you pull the salmon in...
Except its not a salmon. It takes you a second to realize what you just pulled in: in front of you lays the most ugly being you have ever put your eyes upon. A carp, but malformed and grotesque. Its body is stubby and bloated, instead of scales it seems to have some kind of slimy skin. It has a giant head compared to its body, topped by what seem to be marsey ears, and instead of a tail fin it has a literal tail.
While you are still struggling to understand what kind of monstrosity is flopping around on your boat next to you, the carp opens its giant mouth and lets out the most grotesque sound: 'bloubgrupDRAHUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPP'.
Suddenly, you feel an intense anger wash over you. Instead of throwing the fish over board, you step over it and raise your fist... And bring it crashing down on its head. But instead of the satisfying cracking of breaking bone, your punch is nearly thrown back by the rubber-like fishs head. You punch the fish again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again...
After a few minutes, you stop. You are breathing heavily by now, but the fish doesnt seem fazed at all, there is not even a bruise on its face. And your anger hasnt subsided. If anything, its gotten worse and has been replaced by a seething hatred. You take out the knife you brought for gutting fish and stab it deeply into the fishs belly, only for it to be reflected just like your punches previously. You stab it a few more times, but it seems futile.
Suddenly you remember that you brought your gun. You rummage around in your picnic basket until you find it, its a Smith & Wesson Revolver 629, more than enough firepower to make any fish explode.
You load the magazine and triumphantly position yourself over the fish again, pointing the gun at its head, and pull the trigger.
You can only stare in disbelieve as you see, like in slow motion, how the bullet sinks deep into the fishs forehead without breaching the skin, and how it is repelled and flies off as if shot by a slingshot.
You see red. You empty the whole magazine, but all the shots are repelled in the same way. You load the drum again, fire the first shot...
You go down screaming as the bullet is reflected straight into your leg. 'FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK', you scream.
You stand up, but just as you get ready to empty the remaining bullets into the fishs head, it makes another sound: 'glpdrbbggbbbbbglueHUEHUEHUEHUE'. It sounds almost like... laughing. For the first time since you began your assault, you consciously look at the fishs face again. Its big, ugly eyes are positioned on the side of its head, its mouth is gaping wide open, its should not be possible to show any emotions, but somehow you can see its smug stare.
You are about to burst with rage and point the gun at the fish again, when suddenly it jumps up several meters into the air, making another repulsive sound, and splashes down into the water. You barely register that you are also significantly wet now, adding insult to injury, as you pull your body to the edge of the boat as fast as you can. You cant see the fish anymore, but you still empty the rest of your magazine into the water.
Quite a while later, your anger has subsided somewhat, and you managed to take care of your bleeding leg. You take your boat back to the shore, even though you havent caught a single fish. The sun is still out, and it should still be a beautiful day, but not for you:
__It has been thoroughly ruined by the fish.__
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Some people are able to display their intelligence by going on at length on a subject and never actually saying anything. This ability is most common in trades such as politics, public relations, and law. You have impressed me by being able to best them all, while still coming off as an absolute idiot.
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