TOMMOROW AT 9PM EST IS THE FIRST GOP DEBATE!

"b-b-buh heymoon donald trumb isnt gonna be dere its gonna be le boring"

Don't care + didn't ask, the oddball candidates for president are all hilariously r-slurred and weird. Choose your favorite, and duke it out with the others in the comments!

"MEATBALL" RON DESANTIS

The savior of the white race

Listen up, chuds, this guy is your champion. By that, I mean he is turbo-wingcucked by culture war BS. His entire political platform basically boils down to "owning the libs". Responsible for a variety of epic (if politically questionable) trolls, including the Martha's Vineyard goofballin' (where he sent loads of immigrants to Ney York City to own the city slickers), introducing a bill to ban electric stoves in Florida, and beefing with Disney for being an average corporation in the year of our lord 2023. Meanwhile, DeSantis's online antics have raised eyebrows - his campaign has repeatedly made memes that are ultra spicy. Like the man keeps doing it. Recently, he tweeted a video showcasing Deathsantian Soldiers marching forth from a Black Sun. Uh, did somebody say BASED?

NIKKI CLINTON HALEY

Proving that women can be republicans

That's right folks, it's a white woman. And she ISN'T a democrat? Well, at the very least, she probably fricks dogs, right? This beautiful indian (dot) princess, while part of Rubio's () campaign, was critical of trump. Famously, after Trump dissed her on Twitter, she shot back "bless your heart". She also is quoted as saying:

I will not stop until we fight a man that chooses not to disavow the KKK. That is not a part of our party. That's not who we want as president. We will not allow that in our country.

...in 2016 she said that she would "of course" vote for Trump.

ASA HUTCHINSON

Who?

Seriously, who the frick is Asa Hutchinson? If you haven't heard of him, that's probably because he is trying to be the "sweet old grandpa" of the primaries. Or he WOULD be the sweet old grandpa, if he hadn't participated in TRANSGENDER GENOCIDE! That's right, under Asa's leadership, Arkansas became the second state to pass a bill banning s from being on women's sports teams. Thought we would forget, did ya?!

He has a style that is not my style. And that is fine. That's Donald Trump. And guess what? That's exactly who the base of the Republican Party supported and said that's who we want to carry the banner.

MIKE "ELECTRIC FENCE" PENCE

The punished

MIKE PENCE... a man abandoned by his country... by god... On that fateful day, January 6th, the forces of good, led by Trump (who is basically Aragorn), assaulted the fortress of evil, wherein the dirty scumbag democrats and RINOs were preparing to finally destroy all hope and goodness forever. As Trump breached the front gates, he beheld before him the man he had once considered his closest friend sealing the deal. "Et Tu, Pence-ay?" Trump gasped. Pence sadly nodded, BETRAYING the republic.

Now, he seeks to finally extinguish the light of Trump forever. Will he win? Or will he be defeated???

VIVEK RAMASWAMY

Bringing curry to the White House

Vivek is the GOP candidate for the kids. After all, he is one of the youngest in the running, and recently was seen rapping to Eminem, proving, once and for all, that rap is dead. But outside of his hip attitude, who is vivek? It might surprise you to learn that Vivek is based. By based, I mean he is a conspiracy theorist. He has suggested that federal agents were behind the 9/11 attacks. He has also suggested that they were behind the 1/6 attacks! I'm sure we can all agree that this is a bridge too far. Anyways, Ol' Ramaswamy has weighed in on creating human-animal hybrids. No, seriously.

TIM "REAL SHIT" SCOTT

Obama's little brother

Tim Scott is unique in the GOP primary because of his moderate policy positions, of course. This guy is running as a moderate alternative to the other candidates. The only big stain on his record is his disparaging remarks about the gays that he made on live television, we have to cut him some slack because he didn't know any better (because he is a conservative Christian from the rust belt, of course). Oh, also, he's a big black gorilla BIPOC.

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT EDIT: I have been informed that Tim is a VIRGIN! That's right, if elected, Tim will be our first incel president!

CHRIS "THE WOP" CHRISTIE

A giant pile of grease

How dare this fat frick show his face in public again. You'll have to excuse my sheer hatred for Chris Christie, there's really no political reason for it, I just am naturally predisposed to hating him. It's not just me, Joysey hates him too -- he left his tenure of governor with just a 15% approval rating. Yeesh! He has been accused of fraud, straight up lying, and just doing all sorts of shady shit. Basically, FRICK CHRIS.

DOUG BURGUM

Literally Who?

Yeah, I got nothing. This is the most generic candidate on the roster. The most I can remark on is that his hair game is on point. He also passed a pretty strong anti-trans law when he was the governor of North Dakota, so there's that.

VOTE NOW