EFFORTPOST [Effortpost] The Evil Empire is defeated! America officially wins at the only thing that matters

Remember the massive scandal that tore the world asunder during the 2022 Olympic Games when Russian figure skater Kamila Valieva was caught doping?

Of course you do. There's no way you could have missed my Pullitzer-deserving posts that are still held up today as the greatest examples of longform journ*lism to ever grace this planet.

• [Effortpost] Olympic Figure Skating Scandal Roundup: Abuse, Anorexia, and Performance-Enhancing Girlpills

• [Effortpost] Figure Skating Scandal Part II: A big win for the drug legalization movement

• [Effortpost] Olympic Figure Skating Part III: Conclusion - Meltdowns on Ice

Dénouement

Despite being caught red handed (red urined?), Valieva was not simply stripped of her title. Russia and its eurocrat minions insisted that nobody rush to judgment. Perhaps she accidentally drank from the same glass as her grandfather who has a prescription for doping drugs? (Yes, that was unironically their excuse.) So everyone was left in limbo with her competitors not allowed to receive their medals.

Let's not blame Valieva too much. When you're 15 and the KGB tells you to take a pill you're probably going to take it.

Finally after 2 years of sitting on their asses, the international Court for Arbitration of Sport has ruled that cheating is actually against the rules so she doesn't get any medals. This bumps up her Russian rivals Anna Shcherbakova and Alexandra Trusova to gold and silver respectively in the ladies' event. Kaori Sakamoto, a favorite of all true fans worldwide, picks up the bronze.

Sakamoto deserved it.

But Kamila wasn't just competing for herself. She also represented Russia in the team event that includes ladies, men, pairs, and ice dancing. With her scores thrown out the result is a decisive win by Team USA, the most crushing victory ever delivered in human history since Hannibal smashed the Romans at Cannae.

Hannibal was a great general but I never heard of him landing a quad in competition. Just saying.

Japan will take silver. The International Skating Union put out a curious statement saying Russia still gets bronze even after Valieva's scores are thrown out. The Canadians are understandably furious as Russian cheating should completely disqualify the whole team. It's amazing how much the ISU is still a joke after all this.

Team USA

Suggested soundtrack for this section.

Nathan Chen

Johnny Weir once accidentally called him "Nathan Quad" because you can't talk about him without mentioning his flawless quad jumps that brought the men's game to a whole new level. But he was also a master of every facet of the sport.

Vincent Zhou

Not just a kid with quads, he brought artistry that I don't believe we've ever seen from a man. If his program to Don McLean's "Vincent" didn't move you then you have no soul.

Karen Chen

I must admit some bias as she is perhaps the most beautiful thing I've ever seen on ice. A skater with the grace that only comes from the heart, not obscure heart medications.

Alexa Knierim and Brandon Frazier

Our pairs. After skating with others they found each other, and eternal glory, at Beijing 2022.

Ice Dancers

There were also ice dancers on the team, but I don't consider ice dancing a real sport. It's a Cold War communist conspiracy just like ribbon gymnastics. I'll just say that our people beat the Russians at their own game.

Reactions

The face of evil.

That vile witch Eteri put out a statement throwing Kamila under the bus, pretending that this 15 year old girl was the mastermind of the doping plot. Eteri even has the gall to act like somehow she's the victim in all this.

This is a more bitter loss to him than the catastrophe at Kyiv.

The Russian people are no doubt facing shock and grief as they find that no amount of cheating, lying, or brute force can triumph over America and the Free World.

They should have been paying attention back in the '80s. They might have learned a very simple truth:

WINNERS DON'T DO DRUGS.