I have to tell someone about this

Hello, long term lurker, first time poster. I have to tell someone this because it's been eating at me and I can't tell anyone else about in real life, not even my best friend.

About two years ago, I was dating this guy, I'm gonna call Shane for simplicity. Shane was 26 and really sweet, one of the nicest guys I have ever dated. There was a lot to like about him (good looking, in shape, had the same style of humor and hobbies as me, a great career, his own place in a nice city, etc) and I really, truly, loved him at one point. However, there was one thing I did not like about him and that was his consumption of porn. Even when I asked him to stop watching porn, he couldn't stop for more than a few days before he was back at it again. He would do it because he claimed he needed it to relax and go to sleep. He wouldn't watch porn whenever I visited him, but whenever I wasn't there, he would. I could always tell when he was watching porn because he would, out of the blue, start sending me a ton of super sexual text messages, and wouldn't stop until he came. He would spend hours trying to find the "perfect" video to get off to. His porn addiction was really bad.

Anyway, his sexual appetite was not just limited to porn, he wanted to have s*x and do sexual stuff all the time whenever we were together. I didn't mind that he wanted to have s*x a lot, especially since he was good at making sure my own needs were met (lol) but what annoyed me was him always wanting to try new kinky stuff. Some stuff I agreed to, like wearing a choker or thigh high heels, but other stuff I refused, like him wanting me to put anything in my butt. If I had been wiser to what I know now, I would have dumped him right when I realized he was addicted to porn. Unfortunately, at the time, I thought all guys watched a ton of porn and that this was "normal". Besides, I really cared for him and loved him at the time, so I mostly let his pestering slide. Besides, it was easy to forgive and forget because once I said "no", he would drop it and wouldn't ask again until a week or so later.

One day, he asked me again if he could do butt related stuff, to which I again said no. This time, instead of just dropping it, he persisted and tried to convince me. He showed me articles from real women that claim to love anal s*x. He showed me porn links of women who were loving it, he promised me he would go slow, be gentle, and that we could work our way up to it with buttplugs. I was disgusted with this and annoyed that he wouldn't drop the subject, so I told him I'd agree to have anal s*x but only if he let me peg him first. I figured he would say no, but he said alright, he would let me peg him. He then dropped the subject.

I thought he was only joking and forgot all about it, until two weeks or so later when I went to his house, he showed me that he had bought a harness and dildo for pegging. I was horrified and told him I didn't think he was serious. But he was. He was dead serious, and worse, he looked excited. I remember telling him, "Shane, I'm not fricking you in the butt." and him looking hurt. He said that he thought I was serious when I offered to peg him, and he was willing to be vulnerable with me in order to prove how much he trusted me. He said he wouldn't even expect me to let him frick me in the butt if I pegged him.

To make a long story short, he did convince me to peg him. I did not want to do it, but a part of me hoped that he would see that it was painful and then he wouldn't want to pursue it anymore. Unfortunately, I hadn't known it at the time, but Shane had been doing anal play on himself with toys long before we had started dating, so basically this was not at all painful for him, and he was really into it.

Me? I was so turned off. I had never understood what people meant when they said their partner did something that gave them the "ick" and then suddenly they fell completely out of love with them. That sounded hard to believe; how could anyone simply cease to stop loving someone instantly over something relatively minor? And yet that is exactly what happened to me. As I watched his face and listened to him getting off to this, something in me snapped, and I instantly found him repulsive. I suddenly no longer had any feelings for him and made up my mind right then and there to dump him later.

I don't know how long I fricked Shane in his butt, maybe 10 minutes? But I had to stop, not only because it was so cringe and such a turn off, but because fricking someone with a strap on is actually a lot of work, especially when you're not used to it. I made some excuse to Shane in order to go home. I lied to him when he texted me asking if I liked it. I should have been honest and said "No, Shane, you looked stupid, and I felt disgusted." but I didn't want to be mean. Even though I was no longer in love with him anymore, I felt it would be too cruel to shame a man when it comes to s*x. They're very sensitive about that stuff.

Over the next couple of weeks, things were awkward, I kept making excuses to stay busy and distant. Finally, I couldn't take it anymore and bluntly dumped him via text. I made a dumb excuse about me having too much going on in my life and that I needed to work on me. He was absolutely heart broken and tried several times for months to win me back, even buying me lots of gifts and writing me long love letters. He even stopped watching porn for 3 whole weeks and said he'd give it up for good. I felt kind of bad but every time I'd start to feel bad, I'd have that image of him laying back on the bed, being penetrated by me, and I would instantly feel nothing but contempt.

Why am I sharing this with rDrama? Because, everyone loved Shane and to this day people don't understand why I broke up with him. Everyone thought he was perfect for me, that he was a great catch and would have made the perfect husband. I get annoyed whenever the subject comes up, because I can't be honest. I can't say "Shane was a disgusting porn addict!" or "I fricked Shane in his hairy butthole and he looked so emasculated in that position!". I have to give some half-butt excuse that we had "different life goals" or whatever. People will then pester me and ask me why it couldn't have worked out. Part of me doesn't want to be honest with them because it's embarrassing, but the other part of me worries if some of my friends won't try to convince me that being into porn and anal s*x is good, actually, and that I should stop being a prude.

The other reason I'm posting this is because I haven't found another guy that was as good as Shane. Every guy I've dated since Shane has been meh. It makes me angry that Shane was perfect in just about every way, except his porn habits. Why did he have to be such a freak? We could be married by now if he hadn't been such a coomer.

Anyway, that's my vent. I hope this can serve as a warning to other women, if your boyfriend says he wants to be pegged, DO NOT ACCEPT THE OFFER! YOU WILL NEVER LOOK AT HIM THE SAME WAY!