Envy : detrans

Hello everyone. Female responses preferred, but males is OK.

How did you get over feelings of envy towards cis men, and how long did it take you? I am a FtMtF who recently decided to detransition. One of the reasons is that I will never be a cis man. I will always compare myself to them and be at a disadvantage; the feeling of being different will never go away. Especially considering that I am short (159 cm), with small wrists and feet and HRT didn't really make my voice deep (it sounds like a very very high male/androgynous/low female voice. I was on testosterone for 2 years)

And now I'm trying to discover the feminine world (I have always been a tomboy), related to makeup, feminine clothes, etc. (I want it myself; no pressure! Except dresses lol), but, you know, sometimes I come across a photo of some handsome (or even just average) young man on Pinterest, and I can't get rid of the feeling of envy that covers me completely... I start to envy his manly face, his muscles. His social role (if this feeling appears while watching a series/movie/game). But I understand that all this is an unrealistic dream, and even if I continue to transition, I will never become the same. Like... I realized that I don't have a choice between "being a woman" and "being a man", but only a choice between "being a woman" and "being a transman". How do you deal with this?

Moreover, even considering my return to the female s*x, I would like to have a flat chest, and I'm very insecure about mine (severe ptosis due to wearing a binder for 8 years, and I am only 21!) Any advice from you will help

/u/Resident_Economics64

You should ask advice from us instead