The Narcissistic Mother's Abuse of Her Children

For too long, women have been allowed to escape the accountability of their worst behavior. It’s beyond time to see female, maternal narcissists for who they really are. Masking their abuse behind the unquestionable role of motherhood, seeing these snakes for what they are can cost you in a lot of ways. Well, no more. We are going to unmask the maternal narcissist in our lives and free ourselves into better and more fulfilling futures and relationships.

A lot of narcissistic women out there hide poor behaviors behind their “fierce mama-bear” status. They lash out at others, engage in petty or destructive behavior of ego, and then excuse their explosions as “protecting their children”. What you may also see is highly abusive and destructive women who perform as the “perfect mother” in public. This makes it hard, if not impossible, for her children to ever seek the help, healing, and recovery they need in their adult lives. They deny themselves, and they are denied by others who saw the perfect mother that was projected. Being a mother doesn’t excuse hurting other people. It doesn’t include manipulating others or unloading pain that you aren’t strong enough to handle. To be a mother is to care for children, to set an example for them in the world. Bad behaviors are bad behaviors. Abuse is abuse. The excuse of protecting your children or your family doesn’t fly when you’re coming from a place of bad intention or ego. A mother that plays the mean girl, or a mother that willingly abuses their children, is not doing anything short of acting from a place of self-interest — at all times. Weaponizing her motherhood While some parents use their role to build their children up, some mothers use their position to tear their children down. Most commonly, this is done through weaponizing the role on a broad scale. Does your mother use scare tactics to alter your behavior? She might threaten to withdraw love, or she may tell outright lies that shock and scare your childish sensibilities. These mothers can also demand perfection, or only show their children love when they perform at a certain level. The maternal narcissist sees her role as another means of control, and she’s not above exerting that control throughout the lives of her offspring. Look for a mother who proudly claims their motherhood alongside demands for unquestionable loyalty and altered behavior. Claiming her pain as power It will come as no surprise by this point that covert narcissism often goes hand-in-hand with the maternal narcissist. These are sly narcissists, who prefer to play the victim over being the overt braggart. This mother makes most of their demands emotionally, or by casting themselves into crisis. She will use microaggressions and victimhood to manipulate and claim power over the people around them. But she is not above outright passive aggressive behavior, either. Does your mother claim her pain as power? When you try to hold her accountable, does she launch into stories of her own trauma? Does she make claims that you have hurt her just as equally? Newsflash: That’s a guilt trip. By making you feel bad, she can make you back off…and the cycle repeats. Emotional string-pulling Maternal narcissists are highly manipulative people. Unsurprisingly, this is usually done through manipulating emotions. Which is something that can be done across a couple of levels. They might make people angry, or they make them sad. They will also pit family members against one another; pitching all-out wars that tear the very fabric of the relationships apart. Soul-destroying demands It’s not all tears and terror with the maternal narcissist. There is yet another way they are able to pull the strings of everyone around them. Since this narcissist sees her children as an extension of herself, she demands that they project and perform to the image she has created for them (and herself). Children must fall in line with the demands of her delusions. So too does her husband. This means they have to provide her with the house, the cars, the jobs — whatever makes her look like she has been successful as a mother. It has little to do with raising joyful children, or having a fulfilled marriage. To this particular type of narcissist, her job as “mother” is simply another box she has to check off the list in order to project the image that reinforces her non-existent self-esteem. She is forever chasing external validation and her family pays the price. Incestuous reliance One of the most subtle signs of the maternal narcissist is one of the most often overlooked. Emotional incest occurs when a parent or guardian overburdens their children with their own issues and pains. Rather than going to a partner or a friend, the parent turns to the child for emotional support and happiness. Over time, this teaches the children that they are responsible for the happiness of their mother. This makes them more likely to engage in self-denial while chasing the needs and desires of the mother (or even their own intimate partners). The idea that a mother should be able to lean on her children emotionally is a false one. As with all other aspects of the child-parent relationship, there have to be boundaries that are enforced on all sides. You are not responsible for the happiness of your mother, nor should you be drawn into her emotional struggles. Putting it all together… Narcissists and abusers don’t only come in the shape of men, or of our romantic partners. They aren’t just husbands and sons. They are mothers too. That’s right. The maternal narcissist exists, but she conceals herself behind a wall of expectation and one-sided demands. Don’t fall for the guise. See the victimhood and the microaggression for what it really is. Face your mother, and her truth, so that you can commit to a path that is fully and authentically your own. The mother wound runs deep, but it doesn’t have to determine our future. Become the person that you want to be, and stop taking on the failures of the woman who raised you. This is your chance to take a stand for yourself, your family, and your life. Choose wisely.