I (24M) Caught my Wife (37F) secretly at a bar talking to a guy : relationship_advice

I agree this age gap is a problem. But spinster is a sexist outdated term. It is supposed to mean an old unmarried woman, so it’s inaccurate here. But also there’s nothing wrong with women who don’t get married.

it’s worth it to note that it’s not always a typical predatory grooming situation, it’s really common for people who go through trauma, especially women, to become attracted to a much younger person while processing that trauma as a psychological safety net - there’s a sense of them being more innocent or willing to be more patient and understanding than an older, more experienced person, especially when it comes to s*x and emotional investment, so it can feel emotionally safer

unfortunately some of the underpinnings of that feeling of safety can be rooted in the same problematic things as grooming and other more overtly predatory behaviours - lack of experience, lack of exploring options, lack of (both good and bad) expectations, lack of knowledge that empowers autonomy and self-sufficiency

it also situationally lends itself to a problematic “people pleasing” style of codependent interaction - she knows you haven’t experienced many things and can be the one to introduce you to those things and then either intentionally or unconsciously withhold them from you when she’s unhappy with you becoming more autonomous in your thinking or wants and desires, as that’s a threat to her hold on you

people pleasing doesn’t come from a place of genuinely wanting the best thing for the other person, but instead trying to anticipate that person’s needs (without asking them) and then leaning into fulfilling them without respecting your own boundaries and needs, for the purpose of trying to make it so that the other person will never abandon you, so you end up feeling extreme resentment and pain if they don’t appreciate your sacrifices (that they didn’t ask for)

it sucks and this situation with the age gap may have resulted in both of you feeling that sense of resentment and fear of abandonment and resulting depression instead of being able to hold space for each other and be honest and communicate in a healthy way

at this point, removing yourselves from the toxic context is likely the best and most compassionate way forward for both of you to heal

I’m so sorry this happened to you, it’s so shitty, I’ve been there - there is brightness on the other side for both of you separate and apart, and you’ve learned so much, you’ll be so much better prepared for your next relationship with someone who is a better fit for you with the person you are now as an adult or the person you’ll become after you get a much-deserved chance to do some soul searching and discover yourself