Amazing s*x: I have a delusional obsession with my ex-lover. It's making me do bizarre things.

Dear How to Do It,

I'm currently in a perfectly happy marriage and yet, my body still lusts for a guy I slept with 12 years ago when I was 21. He was my professor, a volunteer firefighter, and had the aesthetic that I find deliciously frickable. It would wreck my husband and so many others if I let the desires of my body take control, but I can't stop myself from finding little ways to inch closer to him. I called his work phone (dumb me) and got the voicemail. Hearing the sound of his voice saying his name sent my back arching and my pelvic region ignited into flames. I know everything about this is wrong and would yield only negative results. How do I extinguish this silly lust?

—Forever a Hot Mess

Dear Forever a Hot Mess,

I think you should pursue the kind of s*x that you had with your former professor in an ethical manner, be it with your husband or non-monogamously. With your husband, this might involve roleplay (have you tried any student/teacher and/or firefighter scenarios?). It could actually involve a bunch of stuff like kink, toys, switching up venues. The idea is to liberate yourself from routine and make more of the kind of memories you'll want to hold onto for a decade or more.

An open arrangement could allow you to obtain the kind of excitement you're hungry for—new stimuli is, for many people, inherently exciting. You could pursue s*x with others alongside your partner or solo. That's not for everyone and it very well might not be for your partnership, given the devastation you predict cheating would cause. But it would be a way to get a firefighter into your bed—that particular firefighter is probably not the one you want to pursue, but there are more of them out there.

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You can also work on reframing your past relationship. You don't have that guy, but you do have the memories you made together. That's a net positive. You know that it's not something that your current life situation would allow you to pursue, but it's still with you. In your mind you can replay the s*x you had or the experience of being in his presence. It's not the same as being with him, but it's certainly not nothing.

The third option is to blow everything up for s*x that you had 12 years ago, at a different stage of your development, when you were in many ways a different person. Sometimes said reunions are wonderful, and sometimes they primarily function to show you how much you've changed. If that were the case, it'd be an expensive lesson to teach yourself.