[Not entertaining, just bitching] Armageddon (1998) - Yes it really is that bad

I'm going to limit myself to what I feel are the stupidest decisions made in this movie, although virtually everything in it goes wrong.

I wonder how much they needed to pay an actor like William Fichtner to be in this shit?

It really is that stupid. The world will be destroyed if the bomb doesn't explode at exactly the right place inside the asteroid. This is the primary motivation of every character.

Most of the comic relief is based on characters doing something against this purpose. It doesn't work because it means all the comic relief characters have gone full r-slur, yet they are relied on to be heroes in the serious parts of the movie. To paraphrase Kirk Lazarus, have you ever heard of a hero who was an r-slur?

Much more seriously, almost all of the drama is based on characters doing something against the purpose of saving the world. Sometimes they have a reason that makes no sense. Sometimes they have no discernable reason at all. Virtually the entire movie is a conflict between the few plucky heroes following the plan and the other 6 billion humans who are desperately trying to thwart them. Why would I even want humanity to be saved if everyone is treacherous and suicidally r-slurred?

Clearly the basic concept for the script is taken from the classic Crimson Tide released a couple years earlier. But while Crimson Tide is about two sides struggling over the bomb because both have very good reasons, Armageddon is about various tards trying to sabotage the mission for no reason. Also there's a lot of attempts to rip off Independence Day that fall painfully flat because Michael Bay is that much worse than Roland Emmerich. Supposedly it was made to steal Deep Impact's thunder too which I believe because everything is so cynical.

Remember how these guys were yelling at each other for a reason?

The CGI shit is pretty appalling. Random blobs of things go flying in all directions and it's supposed to be scary. It's not. If you don't know what caused the random blobs to somehow fly in all directions it's not just chaos. Some will live and others die depending on who the writers want to have a lame tearjerker scene over. This concept that having rapidly moving CGI particles flashing across the screen is why most Hollywood action scenes have sucked for the last 30 years.

And how in the frick do they have the solid boosters separate out in space not in the atmosphere? The only way this could possibly happen is if some tard had never seen a real shuttle launch.

Moonraker did better before the shuttle even launched irl.

I usually don't like to say this about an artist. They may have some brilliant accomplishment that never became famous. They may be a wonderful person in real life. But I'm pretty sure if I was Michael Bay I would kill myself. He's also responsible for The Rock, the only other action movie so stupid it actually makes me angry that it was made. (And I've seen some of Steven Seagal's bad stuff.) He's an absolute cancer on humanity and I hope God chooses to spare us of him soon.