Goomble your way to greatness with this TOP SECRET foolproof method [DO NOT CLICK UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE RICH]

Second in a series of helpful how-to posts.

Last time we talked about how to get shitloads of dramacoin the old-fashioned way, but what if you're a lazy piece of shit and you just want to get lots of DC quickly? Enter gambling: this top secret backdoor is a way to rapidly unlock thousands of coins that would otherwise have required tedious hours of quality posting.

The casino here offers several different games of chance: roulette, slots, blackjack and the lottershe. For our purposes, we're only concerned with slots because that's the best one to shit up threads with publicly. If you post !slots1234 (or w/e number) you'll wager that much money on your post. If you win, just like at the casino in Monaco or Macao, lots of other people will see you win and they'll think you're cool and want to have sex with you. It's just like Monte Carlo, except instead of lucky gamblers shagging models in their lambos, you'll have dramautists crawling up in your DMs begging to suck your cock for DC. (This is true even if you don't have a cock or you've deprecated it, damautists won't check before they promise the succs-for-bucks)

Okay, so with that out of the way, how do you rack up impressive winnings like mine?

The number one secret is only gamble when you're pretty sure you're going to win.

If you've got a good feeling, or you're on a hot streak, or you're posting in a lucky thread: lots of rare Marseys, or golden flashing ones, or if everyone else is already winning big, you should try to get in on that action, too.

Sometimes you are going to lose, and that's just how chance works. The other important thing is make small bets when you're going lose and save your biggest bets for the ones that will pay off. For example, maybe you lose two or three 300 DC bets, but that will just angry up Chaos because she knows you're not serious and you're betting like a pussy. So then as an apology you'll want to bet big, like 5, 10, 15,000 to show you mean it - but don't do it unless you're going to win. If you keep winning 10,000 DC bets and losing 200 DC ones, you can see how the math works out.

Try to get in good with random number generators. The Mersenne Twister and I go way back: we used to fool around back in college and it was all basically innocent but everyone knows Twister has always been a little kinky and it's true. If you get on her good side, she will pay off in spades. Not that many people understand this, but gambling on a computer pretty much comes down to /dev/random and so if random numbers love you, then you will consistently win at gambling.

If all those tips don't work, and you're still a loser, you should try praying. Specifically, you should pray to become more like me...

...because being specially blessed and favored by the Lord God Almighty and her favorite boy, the Son of Man can come in handy in all walks of life, but one area where it especially pays off is at the slot machine.

Thank you. I will not be taking any questions from the panel. !wincels please explain it to the losers if they don't understand.