I've been so depressed I've cried while masturbating, but I think I see the light once again. Everyone will reach turning points in their life. How you react in these moments determines who you are, what your resolve is, and how you will fare in the grueling game of life. Life isn't fair. Some people will find a relatively easy path, and will never have to encounter some of the harsher aspects of life such as poverty, loneliness, and social ostracization.
The person you are at birth will not be the person you are when you die (unless you die shortly after birth). Your personality will dissolve and rebuild several times, and you will become an entirely new person. For today's post, I'd like to describe the process of death and rebirth, and how drugs can help.
I really like the current font the site is using. They call it sewer side because the people who do it are shit. I wish my darn uber eats order would hurry up.
Carl Jung and Rebirth
I'll introduce Jung very briefly. He was a psychiatrist who was born in Switzerland in 1875. His father, Paul Jung, was a “Reformed Protestant vicar” (Wehr 1987; 9. while his mother, Emilie Preiswerk, suffered from mental illness. As a child, Jung had a deep interest in nature and, though he was surrounded by the church, he was unable to achieve any affinity for all the dogmatic side of religion. Paul was tolerant of his son's choices, hence when Carl decided that he would have to forego the feast of communion because nothing of religious importance happened for him there, Paul accepted.
This would not mark the end of Jung's relationship with religion, however, and his interest in the spiritual life of human beings would become a lifelong pursuit. In 1895, Jung began attending the University of Basel where he enrolled in the medical curriculum. There, Jung proved himself to be quite the polymath. In addition to being influenced by the philosopher Frederick Nietzsche, he also familiarised himself with all the occult-spiritist literature. Jung's life took a turn when he picked up a copy of Richard von Krafft-Ebing's textbook on psychiatry, which motivated him to abandon his studies in medicine to pursue psychiatry. In this field, he would have a notable intellectual impact.
Although not completely paralleling Freud's theories, Jung's theories branch off from them. He, like Freud, believes in the unconscious. However, he does not conceptualize it as a psychic realm exclusively housing repressed or forgotten contents. This, according to Jung, only describes the personal unconscious. There is a deeper layer of the unconscious Jung terms the collective unconscious which has contents and modes of behavior that are more or less the same everywhere and in all individuals.
Jung believes that the collective unconscious is populated by archetypes. In short, in much the same way that animals in the same species will inherit physical traits from their ancestors, so too are there psychic apparatus that are inherited in the form of archetypes. One of the archetypes Jung highlights is the rebirth archetypes which is ubiquitous in several religions and myths around the world. The most popular, of course, is the resurrection of Jesus Christ who defeats death. Though Jesus is divine, he takes the form of man, which in some ways suggests that we are all capable of overcoming death.
The death we overcome is not biological, it is psychic. You would be correct to also describe it as a transformation. A transformation can occur through an enlargement of personality whereby external contents are assimilated by the individual. Although the source of the personality enlargement is external, the individual must have within themselves the capacity to grow.
It's no coincidence that our heroes typically defy death. Allow me to explain. Jung lists identification with a cult hero as a means of bringing about the transformation of the personality. This occurs when one identifies with a god or hero who transforms in a sacred ritual. According to Jung, many religions and cult ceremonies are expressly intended to bring this identity about. In Christianity, he explains, the religion's theology came to include this form of the rebirth archetype over time as the outer God or Christ gradually became the inner Christ of the individual believer. WE ARE ALL CHILDREN OF GOD. WE ALL HAVE A CROSS TO BEAR, AND IF WE DON'T LOSE FAITH, WE WILL DEFY DEATH
Joseph Campbell and Rebirth
Born in 1904 in New York, Joseph Campbell's interest in mythology was sparked at a young age when his father took him and his younger brother to Buffalo Bill's Wild West Show in Madison Square Garden, and to the National Museum of History, and he soon recognized similarities between the stories and symbols of Native Americans and those from his Roman Catholic upbringing. Later in life, he would study Hinduism and find the same symbols once again. He would also study Arthurian medieval material, and he would recognize the same symbols. Upon entering Dartmouth College in 1921, he studied biology and mathematics. However, he would eventually transition to the Humanities, earning his master's degree in medieval literature in 1926.
In 1928, he discovered the works of Freud and Jung which would influence him greatly. Comparing the two, Campbell argues that the Freudian unconscious is biographical, not biological, while the Jungian unconscious is based on a biological point of view. Unlike Freud, Campbell points out, Jung recognized the collective unconscious which is universally shared and from which mythic symbols emerge. During his lifetime, Campbell would expand on Jung's ideas of archetypes in the realm of mythology, theorizing how these images manifest in the myths, stories, and traditions of disparate cultures around the world.
Campbell notes the particular importance of metaphorical death and rebirth, stating that “all children need to be twice born, to learn to function rationally in the present world, leaving childhood behind”. He claims that this wisdom is captured in the Biblical verse 1 Corinthians 13: “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things”.
This death and rebirth, Campbell argues, is achieved through puberty rites. As Campbell explains: “in primal societies, there are teeth knocked out, there are scarifications, there are circumcisions, there are all kinds of things done. So you don't have your little baby body anymore, you're something else entirely”. Campbell even cites his own experiences of wearing short pants as a boy and wearing long trousers when he was older as a kind of puberty rite.
What must be noted is that rebirth is unattainable without the preceding death. The god of death is the lord of s*x. La petit morte. In this way, death and birth become intertwined concepts, and one cannot exist without the other.
In summary, the death and rebirth metaphorized in myth is not a clinical death that involves the cessation of all life processes. This is also the case with Freud's concept of Eros and Thanatos, and with Jung's death and rebirth archetypes. According to Campbell, within myths, death is a psychic process that we must all undergo if we are to achieve self-actualization.
Death and Rebirth via medicine
There is nothing wrong with looking for help. If you are sick, you see a doctor. It's that's simple. I had past experiences that made me deeply suicidal but I have gotten through them with some help from some pharmacological friends. Will I get everything I want? No, but that's okay. I shed my old self and a new one with different desires is born. I know you can do the same. To do so, you have to die first, and this is the scariest part. Just let the forces of life strike you with all their might. A little seedling of humanity will remain, and you will grow from it.
I don't advocate for drug use to solve all your problems. Everybody knows that's foolish. However, in times of crisis, it can be good to have something extremely powerful to basically destroy everything there and allow you to rebuild. Sometimes, drugs just help you by giving you false happiness. It's fake, but it gives you an opportunity to imagine an alternative reality to the depressing one you currently exist in. This is useful, as you know have something to have hope for.
Before I describe my drug experiences, I'd like to warn you that the substances I'm about to list are highly addictive and relatively easy to obtain. Do not go down this road unless sewer side is the only alternative. This is the chemo approach to mental health - drastic and deadly.
Admitting you need help
If you wind up in front of a doctor with significant self-harm, they'll almost certainly freak out. I've never met a doctor who took it even remotely well, and I don't blame them. When most people discuss self-harm, they're talking about cat scratches - you cut just enough to see blood. These cuts heal relatively quickly.
Then there's manic self-harm which you genuinely can't do without some manner of a mood disorder (or a disinhibited survival instinct). The accurate term for this is "self-mutilation", as you perform the type of injuries that will leave permanent scarring and sometimes nerve damage. These are burns or cuts that travel down to the dermis, and in extreme cases, the subcatenous layer. More often than not, stitches are required, though very few self-harmers will get them. To the average person, it's INSANE to deliberately mutilate yourself. A single razorblade cut will make most people wince, so to see a limb lacerated from top to bottom right down to the dermis is disturbing, to say the least. It looks like the acts of a disturbed and possibly dangerous person.
In this position, most doctors will refer you to a psychiatrist, but they'll also panic and prescribe you pretty much everything if they don't immediately institutionalize you. You will get very high doses of incredibly mind-altering substances, some of them highly addictive. This is a dangerous act, but it's also not a bad thing, as the doctor believes they are dealing with a life or death situation, and their primary aim is to sedate you at least to the point where you aren't a risk to yourself or others. It helps if you look relatively innocent (ie no tats or piercings, speaking clear English, and not acting like you know anything about pharmacological drugs).
The drugs I'm about to describe aren't SSRIs or Bupropion. Quite frankly, I have my doubts regarding SSRIs and their efficacy and I also believe they create chemical dependency which isn't always useful. Instead, I want to discuss the "destroy and rebuild" drugs that are highly psychoactive and will profoundly alter your state of consciousness.
Amitriptyline
This is the first line of defense against severe panic attacks, self-harm, and anxiety-induced insomnia. Doctors prefer it to benzos because it's not addictive. However, it does come with the downside of being quite easy to overdose with. According to research, it's one of the most common drugs used in successful sewer sides This is partially the reason why many doctors are moving away from it, and why my current doctor completely weaned me off it (I got much better shit though 
)
So what can you expect from Amitriptyline? Well, nothing and everything. Pop four or five and in about ten minutes, you'll be incapable of feeling any negative emotions. You won't feel any positive ones either. It's just a state of extreme numbness. Someone could get stabbed up in front of you and it wouldn't really click that you're witnessing a tragedy. You'd just accept it without much complaint. Wait a few more minutes, and your bed will become irresistible.
The benefit of Amitriptyline is that it gives you a break. If you're being assaulted by depression or anxiety, it'll disappear entirely for at least 12 hours. You won't be productive during this time, but your old negative mind will begin to die as you get the chance to think of anything but your misery. I highly recommend it.
It doesn't have much recreational value. If you're happy, there is not much joy to be had in switching off. Just go out and enjoy life instead of lying comatose for half the day. For anyone suicidal or in mental anguish, it feels like the hand of god rescuing you from heck.
Side story: I failed my driver's test 3 times before I took Amitriptyline for my test and passed. It calmed my nerves and sedated me enough to complete the test. You're not supposed to drive or operate heavy machinery on it but if it works it works.
Rebirth value: 6
Benzodiazepines
I'll call them benzos from now on. You've heard them rapped about, and they come under many different brand names - Urbanol, Xanax, Valium, Klonopin, Jordan Peterson's breakfast. It's all the same shit (mostly) - just a matter of dosage. HGHLY addictive, HIGHLY dangerous. I warn you not to touch them unless you are genuinely a harm to yourself.
I can't begin to describe how much I love benzos. They are the evil-stopper. The pauser of pain. The muter of misery. Benzos don't make you happy. They make you not sad. I've read several posts on Reddit of people complaining that benzos don't do anything. That's because you're happy already! The drug is the true shit-tester. If you're playing at depression, they will do nothing for you. If you have a genuine serotonin deficit, it will feel like heaven come true. It's the only drug I've taken that genuinely feels like that Simpsons scene.
Pop 4 or 5, smoke some weed, and put on some music. The rest of your day is about to get perfect. It's really hard to explain what benzos do to your memory. I kind of have bullet-point facts in my head of how I feel on benzos but quite frankly I don't truly remember any of my benzo escapades. It's all a black hole. I just wake up in the morning knowing I had the best night ever.
Benzos have massive downsides. The chemical binds to your GABA receptors, which are the same receptors alcohol binds to. Consequently, you'll experience many of the effects of alcohol (stumbling, slurring, impulsiveness) without ever feeling shitfaced. You will feel 100% sober as you stumble around your house, get into your car, and speed to a drive-through at 2 AM with your headlights off. I've had experiences of tumbling down my stairs in my apartment with a tray full of food, and also trying to sort out my Pokemon cards, only to have them fly everywhere.
People do insane, life-ruining shit on benzos, and they remember none of it at all. Think about the last few years - if you recall a politician, celebrity, or public figure acting insane in public or you've seen someone being weird on an airplane, there's an 80% chance they were on benzos and maybe decided to drink as well. If you've done benzos, you'll recognize that "lucid insanity" very easily.
That lady there? OBVIOUSLY took benzos. No doubt in my mind. I've been lucky enough to not do anything crazy on benzos (that I remember lol).
Here's my theory: if you're suffering from heightened anxiety or depression, benzos will chill you out in a way that does not feel "wrong" or "drug abusey" at all. It feels like doctor-prescribed medicine and there is nothing sinister about it. If you decide to do them for fun, it will unearth all your repressed shit and after you mentally blackout, your body will continue to act out your repressed desires.
In my case, benzos make me read random articles online for hours before going to sleep and feeling happy that I went through a night without self-harming. I have no doubt that if I took them while not in a depressive episode, I would probably see manifestations of my sexual repression.
I would honestly would not recommend benzos except in a worst-case scenario. They're so good, they're bad. They will not fix your problems, just give you a brief break to remember that it's possible to not feel depressed all the time. For many, that's all they need. For most, they'll take this pill and ruin their lives with it. It also causes brain damage when used long-term.
If you're intent on using benzos recreationally, practice moderation. Additionally, make sure you tell yourself that it's an experiment you'll never repeat. There's no point in stating recommended dosage because it entirely depends on what kind of benzo you've been prescribed. I'd tell you not to do too much but if you get high and you have them at home, you're going to wake up with half of them gone even if you decided to take only one. Redosing is nigh impossible not to do once you're high.
Rebirth value: 6
Zolpidem
Well, well, well. What do we have here? The good stuff. The holy grail of pharma drugs, not counting opioids. It gets no better than this. From now on I'll be referring to Zoldipem as Ambien, but it's sold under a few other names including Nyxe for poorcels on generics.
Ambien is typically prescribed as a sleeping agent, though you'll also get prescribed it temporarily if you're at a point of crisis, especially if you're feeling self-deletey or are self-harming. It's better to be sedated for a while if the alternative is sewer side.
You need an incredibly small dose for the fun to start - about 5mg - and you'll have to decide to stay up after you're hit by incredible drowsiness about 15 minutes in. If you manage to stay up, you'll feel the greatest chill you've felt in your life. An armed robber could enter your house, and you'll help him load stuff into his truck with a smile on your face. You could sit down for dinner with Satan and feel sympathetic to his cause. However, unlike benzos, there are none of the shit-faced effects. You'll walk straight and look fine. Ambien is the best of benzos without the bad stuff.
You can take it at higher doses, but don't overdo it. Ambien makes you puke at high doses, and you run a risk of instant blackout. This is a deadly combination, as it leaves you liable to choking on your own puke. My advice is don't surpass 10mg. 15mg at most, unless you have a high tolerance (but seriously, don't abuse these drugs to the point of having a high tolerance). I've seen Reddit posts of people taking 100mg and that's insane and possibly deadly. I'd probably puke my bowels out. Nevertheless, I understand the pain, and for some, being knocked out for 24hrs+ is genuinely the best move they can make at that point in time.
Once you're in the Ambien zone, a warmness fills your body and your faculties of memory switch off entirely. No new memories will be formed for the next few hours. This is the "blackout" but don't be fooled into thinking you won't be 100% active during this time. The more you do Ambien, the more you're able to grip onto small glimpses of your time on the drug, but it's never the whole thing. Just still frames of a much longer video.
Unlike benzos, Ambien gets weird. Like, borderlines psychedelic weird. It makes the world wavy, you can hallucinate sounds and see colors bleeding out of objects. Much like psychedelics, it also gives you that "safe space" effect, allowing you to think about traumatic events directly without breaking down. This is INCREDIBLY useful for anyone seeking closure or to move past a painful experience.
I'm on ambien right now and it feels great. The fan's wind on my skin feels euphoric. I can think about anything and I'm not really disturbed or saddened by it. There's a strong desire to redose but I know better. Just ride the wave 
Rebirth value: 8
Benzo and Ambien
I tried this combo last night. Don't mix them. 20mg ambien + 20mg benzos = instant blackout followed by puking all over my bed. It's not like coke or meth - there is no recreational value from going too far with it. There is a sweet spot for either drug and if you go past it, only bad things happen. You don't need to mix ambien with anything but weed. The same applies for benzos.
I don't think anything too bad happened last night except I sent the same work email to the same address three times in a row. I know it's weird, but I'm hoping it's a "whoops" weird and not "is this person on drugs?" kind of weird. I also had a bunch of messages from work, but it was nothing related to my actions. Folks at work are so nice to me, they're genuinely good people. If I told them I'm a degenerate depressive they'd probably help me without judging tbh but I'm smart enough to know they're not family lol never taking the mask off in front of them and neither should you 
Drugs and inceldom
I was in a really dark hole, but I see the light again, and it's partially thanks to drugs. If I had a wife who loved me and had hope that I could start a nuclear heterosexual family, I would never touch a mind-altering substance ever again, but that's not the reality we're dealing with.
If you're an incel it's not the end of the world. Yes, it sucks, but you can still construct a livable life. Principally, you need four things:
home
vehicle
money
health insurance
I was going to add media, but I don't think it's vital. In fact, seeing relationships and hearing love music is probably going to deteriorate your mental health. Lock onto a singular goal and direct your fantasies toward it. Don't succumb to the temptations of imaginary friends, it keeps the social faculties of your brain active, preventing them from eventually rotting away and leaving you with no social drive. Don't think about people, don't imagine yourself in a relationships, and in public divert your gaze from women as they're only going to trigger fantasies.
It also helps if you present somehow androgynously. With long hair, a soft voice, no facial hair, and tons of pink/purple clothing, I often get misgendered. I've noticed that people give me that "frick, here's a loser" stare far less and instead I get more of a "oh, its an insecure girl" look which is a lot more sympathetic.
Don't look at doctors/psychiatrists as humans. They're robots and your last lifeline. If you need to speak to them, just switch your brain off and speak the truth, regardless of how cringe it is. They'll give you what you need to continue your incel life with some relative comfort. Another thing - most doctors aren't going to be mad at you. They just want to help! This is especially important if you're self-mutilating i.e. reaching dermal layer. You have a 100% chance of getting an infection, multiple infections in fact. Infections find their way into sterile hospitals, there is no way you're going to avoid them in your shitty home. A doctor will give you anti-infection medication to help when you do BTFO yourself.
As you incelmaxx, you're going to hit walls - if you live in an apartment, you'll probably hear your neighbors have s*x, you'll see couples in public, you'll realize 80%+ of music is about love/women which causes you to greatly narrow what you listen to. There are a million and one reminders that you fricked up severely and you'll never be a normie. Breathe through it. This too shall pass.
Also, bear in mind, nobody becomes an incel by mistake, especially as you get older. If you're being rejected, there's probably a very good reason why. It is moral to distance yourself from others, as you are doing them a favor.
Is inceldom inevitable? For some of us, yes. I do think we do things that push us in that direction. My biggest regrets:
leaving groomercord dramasphere and losing my last social group
not implementing the "just be first" strategy and finding a gf in grade school
wasting years on asexuality
indulging fantasies of escaping inceldom
Lastly, your imagination is your strongest tool. I truly believe that any incel should practice writing daily. You can create stories that perfectly suit your preferences and tastes, and they'll be void of any of those painful themes that upset you. The more you use your imagination, the greater the world worlds you can create, and the more you can escape from reality. It helps because mass-produced media is all about love and relationships.
There is life at the bottom. It's not a good life, but it's a life you can make worth living.
Thoughts on inceldom
Normies have break-ups and they recover by rebounding to the next partner. Incels get rejected and that's that. I find it difficult to accept that this is a matter of personality. The most vile humans to ever live, none of them are incels. Not one. Let's see:
Gary Ridgway - killed over 60 women, got married twice
Vlad the Impaler - over 40,000 deaths attributed to him, has 5 children
Albert Einstein - openly hated women, still married and had children
Arthur Schopenhauer - Literally the most prolific misogynist in Western philosophy and is considered the father of Western woman-hating. Had a wife and children, some of them as a result of adultery
Jerry Givens - One of America's most prolific executioners who admits that he killed innocent people. He died married with two children
Darrell Brooks - multiple felonies and no high school even prior to the Waukesha incident. Still has multiple children.
It sickens me to my stomach to know these folks are more attractive to women than I am. How do you not feel worthless when the bare facts are laid out like this? There's a simple explanation for this - height. Look at the percentage of evil people who get married, then look at the percentage of short people who get married. The pattern is 100% clear, being evil is less of a dating detriment than your height as a male. This article is the most depressing thing I've read in a while.
It has long been understood that tall people generally exhibit a variety of positive attributes: they are healthier, stronger, smarter, more educated, more sociable, more liked, and more confident than short people. Hence, it is not surprising that they are richer, more influential, more fertile, happier, and longer-lived than short people
https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1570677X15000398
Studies that attempt to research correlations between height and number of sexual partners don't even include my height because folks my height are expected to be fricking incels.
I challenge you right fricking now to find me a bigger predictor of male marriage. Nothing predicts your romantic fate more than height.
CONCLUSION
If you go around Reddit, you'll discover plenty of nurses and pharmacists sharing info on new drugs that are being abused and how to spot folks trying to acquire them. Such medical practitioners are violating their Hippocratic oath in addition to just being square pricks. "Oh noo boo hoo don't let them buy DXM noooooo you can't see demon spiders!" By turning people away from the relatively safe drugs, you're pushing them to street drugs which are more likely to frick them up.
On a side note, DXM is alright if you're used to self-experimentation. I tried it a couple of times. The first, I found myself in a spaceship, listening to A Tribe Called Quest as I enjoyed the groovy adventure. The second time I projectile vomited and experienced no pleasure or high.
If someone wants to do drugs, they're sick. Sober people typically receive their happiness from their relationships and achievements, and drugs are a distraction from that. I've never seen my mom take a drop of alcohol, because she has a husband and children to fill her life. For the rest of us, we'll take slivers of pleasure wherever we find them. Don't thwart us, or else you'll leave us with nothing but misery. Pharmacists be like "No, you can't have happy pills. Get back to your suffering." This is cruel and immoral.
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This is ludicrous. I love me wife, me dogs, me house and me everything. Still get high because it's fun!
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