Sorry for the phoneposting.

The place is alright but I dont want to be here. I want to go home so badly. I can't stop thinking about work and going back to normalcy.

I want to stop taking medication and feeling overwelmed by life. I know can't stop suffering, but I can learn to endure it with dignity. My hope is that this journey starts today. When I leave, I must never cut again. That era is over.

So far, I can describe the feeling as uncomfortable. I'm in high care because of the nature of my self harm and I admitted I'm suicidal. Fricked myself over. Never admit to being suicidal to anyone in a uniform or a coat. You're so fricked if you do. Now I'm under observation in a special ward. I get checked on like every half hour.

They wanted a urine sample, which they received. I gave my piss to a cutie lol kinda based. I admitted to weed use prior. I actually have no clue what they'll find. How long does DMT stay in your piss?

They also searched my bag. They found my Steam Deck and let me keep it which means I have a desktop even though laptops aren't allowed

I'm sharing a room with someone who doesn't sleep. You can tell they're manic because they won't shut up, they'll talk endlessly to anyone and everyone. He's like the opposite of me. Tall extrovert male vs small introvert male. He is also talking endlessly about religion.

I'm leaving on Thursday and I don't give a shit what they say. It sucks but I need it so badly. I already feel healing from just being around others. Like a kind of desensitization. Most people here are visibly screwed. Either drug habits or in the throes of mania like my roommate. I only fit in if I pull down my pants. One look at my thighs and it's obvious I belong here. These are my kinfolk.

The food is nice, which is good and the staff is lovely. The constant supervision sucks but it's my fault I admitted I feel suicidal at times. But I am suicidal and I do cut myself, so I'm where I need to be. This is the consequence of honesty.

That's the bottom line, everything happening right now is deserved. I do cut myself,  I am suicidal, and none of this will stop until I just do the sneedful, take my spanking from life, and finally come out the other side. This is the spanking part.

I'm noticing how much benzos took from me. It shut life out, but it also killed - absolutely murdered - my creativity. No more. I just want to create art sober. I don't need weed or benzos. Also, for all you "muh benzo addiction" fellows, I was never addicted and I quit no problem.

Weed was harder to let go of because it's fun. Life is too short to lose hours of it to a fricking pill because you're sad that a stranger said something mean or was rude to you. Just accept the frigging suffering. Life is literally, undoubtedly about suffering and your response to it. That defines who you are.

I'm hoping to learn how to not cut myself and accept when bad shit happens whether it's my fault or not. Old me would be reaching for pills, and new me just takes it on the chin. I want to create art, and I need to forego benzos to do that. Once I leave it's sobriety. No benzoes or weed (might finish the vapes I have left though lol)

It may sound corny but I've been listening to Eminem a lot these days and relate to his life story. He's been sober for over a decade and I believe I can do the same.

Part of thr problem is that I have so many secrets and points of shame. I've decided to take the 8 mile approach. Just expose yourself before anyone else does. Then you can shit on them while they can only repeated what you said. Just admit you're a brainlet if you know you are or if you're fat just own it without being a whiny b-word about it.

So here's a big HECK YEAH IT'S TRUE list

>I'm short and ugly

>I'm a brainlet

>I make bad choices

>I've been a liar

>Women find me physically unattractive

>I've criticized other for porn use then used it too for hours

>I treat women in my life like therapists

>There is nobody to blame for my failed PhD but me - I had a fair shot and I blew it. Plenty of people struggle with supervisors and still get their degrees. The problem is me.

>I write these posts because I want attention and acceptance

>I'm a polydrug addict

>My dad attempted suicide in front of me as a child

>My dad beat and threatened me for a good chunk of my childhood

>I've been rejected before, which is what makes Sarah's rejection worse

>Sarah had good reasons to reject me - I'm nuts

>I dislike women on some level, not hate but close to it

>I wasn't responsible enough for a job in university and pretty much caused a newspaper to shut down because of my incompetence

>I #metoo'd a girl by spanking her butt at a party in university

That's all I can think of now. Now shame me, it's okay. I already did it. What have you done? Lies and secrets man, lies and secrets. Avoid them because they are your biggest problems.

These things dont give me shame anymore, they're just facts. I already know I'm 156cm, insecure, and am ugly. Tell me something new. If you judge me, that says more about you than the opposite.

I've hurt others. For that I apologize. It doesn't make me a bad person. We're all that way. Grey - good and bad. It's a personality flaw to see only one aspect of a human instead of a wholistic view. I can say I love my dad despitr his violence, because he also provided for me. He's grey. I need to do the same for myself when I think about who I am as a person.

Sarah rejecting me isn't what brought me here. It's the straw that broke the camel's back. It's time to move on.

Thanks for reading if you did. Once I'm back home I'll treat my Groomercord buddies with more respect and lean into my art more. This is my life, nobody else's, and it doesn't have to look any specific way, and I sure as heck don't expect it to be easy. I've made my choices and there's no turning back now. I'll make the most of what I have.