I have a benzo problem

I'm supposed to be tapering but I took 4 benzos today already. I feel sick if I don't take them, they make me feel normal. I actually feel productive after taking benzos. Without them I feel like dying. I don't want to wean, I want to ramp up but I know I should be doing the opposite. They help me sometimes but I can't stay addicted to pills my whole life.

The calm they hit you with is irresistable. It's like nothing matters anymore. You can just focus on the good parts of life. Maybe listen to some music, write, work. It's all good and flows smoothly. Why can't life always be like this?