Warning: TMI and oversharing.

Men scare me. Their lust terrifies me. I'm seriously not sure if I can ever see my self trusting a man or deeming him worthy enough of my virginity or body. At the same time, I know I have a crazy high libido. It's a conundrum. So for the first time in my life, I used a dildo. Prior, to this I've never inserted anything up there, (apart from tampons). It was VERY uncomfortable at first but after that fine. No blood though. It felt so great being in control and not having to emotionally depend on a man. It also gave me lots of confidence and reassurance that I am capable.

I know deep down this doesn't count as losing my virginity. I so wish it did and might convince myself it does. It upsets me that I still have that to give that “first” to a real man.

Anyone else experienced anything similar or have any advice to get over this hurdle?

Edit: Thanks for the support everyone! Seeing a lot of comments saying that “virginity is a construct” and that I need to let this whole idea go. Trust me, I know and I am REALLY want to. However, for context, I grew up in an ultra Christian household that drilled purity culture into me since I was 5 years old. So unfortunately, it's a very complicated and distressing narrative to unpack. It doesn't help I have been disappointed by men my entire dating life so emotionally I think I would break if the experience was bad and I was regretful.