Sexplain It: My Girlfriend Can Date Other People—Just No Cis Men

Dear Sexplain It,

I (FTM/30) have a (cisgender/32) girlfriend, and we are polyamorous. My ONE boundary is I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who dates cis men because of the emotional labor it takes for me and the degree of dysphoria it sends me into. She is free to date all others, including cis women, trans women, and trans men who are pre/non/post-op.

I've done a lot of work in therapy around this, and it is not out of jealousy but truly uncontrollable dysphoria and a sense of safety I need in a sexual relationship. We want to be together, but it seems that lately, she is not happy with this boundary despite her having access to everyone else. She's had s*x with a ton more people than me since we've been together for three years.

Is there any hope that we can make it work without me having to loosen that boundary? I feel letting this boundary go will not only damage my internal world but also that I won't be able to look at her or our relationship the same anymore. Please help!

—Anyone But Cis Men

Dear Anyone But Cis Men,

Is this really your ONE boundary in the relationship? I'm sure you have other boundaries regarding mutual respect, communication, honesty, condom use, STI testing, and so on---which is a good thing. Having multiple agreed-upon boundaries makes relationships healthy and sustainable.

I think the reason you're claiming you have ONE boundary is because you're trying to make yourself seem reasonable. But "reasonable" is subjective: some poly people may be totally fine with your boundary, because, as you say, they'd still have "access to everyone else." Others might say you're infringing on their sexual and romantic autonomy, and they're opposed to their partner having veto power in their relationships.

Don't get me wrong: there's nothing wrong with you establishing that boundary. After years of therapy and self-reflection, you've realized that you would not feel comfortable with your partner dating a cis man because it would trigger your dysphoria and make you feel unsafe. I'm proud of you for coming to that revelation, as I'm sure it wasn't easy. I'm proud of you for knowing what it would take to feel supported and safe in a relationship.

But I also respect your girlfriend for knowing what she needs in her love life, and it sounds like what she needs is to date some cis men. If you're not open to loosening your boundary, and she doesn't want to adhere to it as is, then I don't see how this can work without at least one of you being unhappy. That doesn't mean either of you has done something wrong, or that you don't have lots of love for each other; it just means you two might not be compatible.

I know it's not what you wanted to hear, but I don't support you reining her in against her will (just like I wouldn't support her pushing you to accept uncontrollable dysphoria). Assuming neither of you wants to budge on your boundaries, I say it's time to look for a new partner who's cool with your needs.