@Bookers's comment on 'Am I gay?'

Am I gay?

I was asked recently by a new friend (legacy foid) "are you gay?" :marseyshook:

I was taken a back a bit but had to share it around with my friends because it was a funny L. :marseyl:

The more I got to thinking though it made sense why she asked me this. :marseythinkorino:

My first and only relationship was with a MtF trans woman :marseypass2: , this is a known thing in my friend group and is occasionally brought up as a funny joke. :marseylaugh:

Back then I was having a pretty rough go at it (unemployed NEET for a while, eventually getting a respectable wagie job) and predated my walk with Jesus :marseyandjesus:

At the time I was fully on board with the woke koolaid and was even involved in leftoid organizing :marseyauthleft: :marseylibleft!: legitmately would state I was in a :marseyairquotes: straight relationship and of course that trans women are women.

This is all preamble to state my only sexual and romantic encounters in my life have been with a (crazy) biological man :marseyfreud:

Where does that leave me now?

I have put in exactly zero effort into further romantic encounters even though my current life trajectory is looking up. I'm hoping to buy a house this year and have been working as a professional sys admin for over a year :marseywholesome: :marseytypinglaugh:

But I'm coming to a realization I enjoy the company of men significantly more than women. :marseyautismpat:

Historically I've had few inter-personal relationship with unrelated women and only recently have had significant discussions with women as my friends slowly pair up :marseybride:

Usually they're very gracious when we speak and we have a decent repertoire - I've heard from multiple women that "I'm a great conversationalist", which took me aback :marseyblush:

However, eventually I'll make a faux pas and suddenly I'm caught between a long time friend and a miffed woman.

I don't enjoy this. :marseyunamused:

Usually these awkward moments last for days to weeks and I'll obsess over what I did "wrong" to better prepare for future situations. :marseydizzy:

I've never had experiences like this with men, and I know a lot of men. :marseydudesrock:

The other factor complicating this is childhood sexual abuse I faced from a friend's older brother at 9. It wasn't until I was much older that I was able to confront this and I worry that caused the germ of my homosexual tendencies. :marseytherapist:

This leads me to my current conundrum that according to all my research the Bible is quite explicit that homosexual behavior is disordered and not God's will. To me this either means I'm not gay and perhaps need to interact with the "right" woman or perhaps I'm destined to be like Paul and remain celibate.

Hopefully God can give me an answer soon :marseypraying: