I've talked about this before and I'm open about it, but I was sexual abused for many months at the age of 8 years old.
To this day my sexuality is extremely disordered. I had a decades long struggle with suicidal depression in late childhood through early adulthood, until I came clean with a therapist when i was 20 or so and started on a finally successful cocktail of meds.
I've also been addicted to pornography since I was 13 which I'm still having trouble breaking.
I hadn't thought of the person who abused me in decades, i moved and was no longer around them soon after, but an old friend recently mentioned them in a business context.
I pondered- why not throw my life away and kill them?
It wasn't a particularly serious thought, but the capacity to have such an emotion has shook my ego quite a bit.
How do I order my heart to forgive someone for this?
I am very good at formalizing logical and rational beliefs but I am lost at truly controlling my hearts whims.
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Uh, you can't, so you either keep talking hits on the metaphorical chin, or you can kill them and ideally get away with it.
Or you'll grow older and care less about these things.
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