I've talked about this before and I'm open about it, but I was sexual abused for many months at the age of 8 years old.
To this day my sexuality is extremely disordered. I had a decades long struggle with suicidal depression in late childhood through early adulthood, until I came clean with a therapist when i was 20 or so and started on a finally successful cocktail of meds.
I've also been addicted to pornography since I was 13 which I'm still having trouble breaking.
I hadn't thought of the person who abused me in decades, i moved and was no longer around them soon after, but an old friend recently mentioned them in a business context.
I pondered- why not throw my life away and kill them?
It wasn't a particularly serious thought, but the capacity to have such an emotion has shook my ego quite a bit.
How do I order my heart to forgive someone for this?
I am very good at formalizing logical and rational beliefs but I am lost at truly controlling my hearts whims.
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I'm sorry Iain. I don't want to pretend to know exactly, how to recover from something like that, but I will give a few thoughts:
1. forgiveness is about acknowledging that harm was done, and letting go of any right to compensation or retribution for that harm. Our society says 'forgive and forget', and that's fine for minor slights, but forgiveness for major harms is not about forgetting. It's about acknowledging that holding on to a right to recompense is more harmful to you in the long run. It's saying "I will not hold my right to revenge over you any more so that I can move forward and heal".
2. prayer is how we align ourselves to God's will. If you can't yet pray for their forgiveness, them pray that you might want to forgive them some day. If you can't pray that, then pray the Lord's prayer. If you can't pray that, pray the Jesus prayer.
3. forgiveness often has to happen twice - in the the mind and the heart. At some point it clicks in the mind and you realize you have forgiven someone in thought. But then later you feel it had not fully sunk into the heart. Or maybe the other way around. It's fine though, and part of the process. Keep praying.
I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds here. I am praying for you.
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Thank you for the earnest reply, I'll try to stay in the Word more. I find that's when it's easiest to pray.
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All those words won't bring daddy back.
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