Guide to surviving the feds from a successful defendant-appellant and survivor of at least 63 investigations

I've been harassed and investigated by the feds over several nationally covered trolls as well as numerous side enterprises. They got so frustrated that they eventually falsely charged me with a crime, which I was able to challenge and successfully overturn in the courts on appeal. I am not here to tell you how to do some sovereign citizen shit. You should talk to an attorney immediately. But know that there are some things an attorney cannot tell you which I can. For example, an attorney cannot tell you to intentionally evade summons. It is against the ethics rules for an attorney, and will result in him losing his law license. But there's nothing illegal about taking a vacation at an opportune time. An attorney just can't tell you to do so. I'm here to tell you how to do additional things to make the FBI's job hard that an attorney can't tell you to do.

First thing you need to do prepare is device management -- first thing is to stop the usage of your normal devices -- phones, laptops -- and usual internet accounts. Put them in storage offsite that you pay for in cash. It is also good to give them to an attorney, or finally a trusted friend. Then you need two devices: one device capable of recording video and a burner phone to call for help. Let them dangle by wrist straps when you leave your house because feds love accosting you on your way to work, at your office, or while you are ordering food (the first time the FBI accosted me was at a Subway in Oregon state while I was traveling to do volunteer work collecting food donations for needy families).

The second thing you should do, if possible, is get out of the immediate vicinity of your current location. Your first line of protection is to leave the state. Most authorities operate in state specific offices and to cross a state line makes it require more resources to manage your persecution. The second line of protection is court circuit -- similarly, federal agents in the same court district generally work in the same set of facilities and have close relationships. There's a fifth as many court circuits as states so if you can manage to cross multiple states and go on vacation in another court circuit you're adding the amount of resources that they have to expend to even get to the first step with you. Finally, if you can spend some time in another country, that's even better. If you don't have a job, in the winter it is easy as an English speaker to get work as a tour guide in Latin America. Show your ID as few places as possible and just take a break from things. Don't fly until you are south of Mexico -- all the airports before then have close relationships with the feds. Take the bus. People who cannot be found cannot be interviewed and cannot be served investigation-related process. This makes things extremely difficult for any agents that would want to harm you.

The first thing you need to do when physically confronted with the feds is immediately begin recording. You don't know your state's recording laws so your first words when the recording starts is "I am recording this interaction. If you don't consent to this recording you should leave immediately" (this is to get around any issues with any states that require all parties to be informed for a recording to be made". Having a recording is critical because the feds have a policy of not recording interviews at all. Everything in the interview that they have will be written in a post-interview report. If they are really desperate to nail you, they can write whatever claim they want about what you supposedly said in the written report and it is your word against the FBI agent's in the court. People have been convicted of perjury for their record of a conversation differing from the FBI agent's written report. It's up for 12 r-slurs to decide your fate if you don't have proof. Their goal in harassing you is to solicit statements that would prove criminal intent for things like 18 U.S. Code § 1512 (c) (2) -- "otherwise obstructs, influences, or impedes any official proceeding". They know your goal was to make people on reddit upset and make jovial fun-loving people laugh but if they can claim that your goal was to influence or derail proceedings and cause a mistrial they can nail you. If they can't get that statement from you, they might claim to have gotten it in the report.

Immediately the second thing you should do is ask "are you armed?" If they say yes say "show me your guns." If they refuse to answer or refuse to show their guns say "how can I be sure you are real agents if you don't even have guns?" At this point you should say "I want an attorney. Please leave." and say nothing else to the FBI. DO NOT PROVIDE THEM YOUR NAME WHEN ASKED -- THIS JUST LETS THEM CONFIRM WHERE YOU LIVE FOR A WARRANT. But also DO NOT GIVE A FAKE NAME -- LYING TO A FEDERAL AGENT IS A CRIME. It is of the absolute critical importance that you not try to have a reasonable conversation and explain anything to these people. No statement of fact about the case will help you. It will only hurt you. There's a pretty famous lecture on YouTube titled "Never talk to police" by a defense attorney and I recommend that you watch it.

Walk a bit of a distance from your door or wherever you are standing and use your call for help device to call the police. Claim that there are strange people outside who claim to be cops but won't provide reasonable evidence that they're anything other than gun toting maniacs. Say that you know it is official policy that they inform local police before operating in a jurisdiction (this is true, but feds never actually do so) and haven't provided a warrant or any process. Say you believe that they are impersonating law enforcement agents. If they showed you guns, claim that they have shown you guns (don't lie at any point of course). Say that you are afraid for your safety and need an immediate response. If you are VERY VERY lucky the cops will get tased. At the very least you will see them secured in handcuffs for a bit, and then they will be tied up with local police for a while.