Today I forgave myself.

In 2013, I took in a homeless teen (she was 18) who committed suicide by jumping off the roof of the apartment I was living. I tried everything I could to help her, I tried to get her back into school, I tried to get her connected with mental health support, but I was unable.

There was a lot of drama involving her 17 year old boyfriend where he broke up with her and then started dating my 20-something year old roommate who was also extremely mentally ill. I tried to pass her onto a mutual friend who had a son that knew her. She left her place and ended up back at my apartment the following day. I noticed the signs afterwards such as the fact that she was giving away cigarettes, and when I invited her out to dinner with my family when we went out for Thai food she was picking at her food and not eating. When we got back she seemed optimistic and was making accounts on dating profiles, the reason why I blamed myself for her death was because I tried to show her the Korean movie "I'm a cyborg but that okay" and at the begging of that movie there is a girl who attempts suicide. She didn't watch all the way through. The next day she jumped off my apartment balcony.

I have the tendency to take on too much responsibility for the actions of others and I finally made progress in the fact that I am able to realize I was probably the only person in her life who didn't give up on her, even at the expense of myself and it took like a decade but I was able to finally forgive myself for my role in her death. I've been so racked and overwhelmed with guilt for nearly a decade because of my tendency to take on the responsibility for others, I took on the responsibility over her death.

I just wanted to let people know that I made a lot of progress in forgiving myself because people have free will and I am not responsible for the actions of others.