EFFORTPOST [Effortpost] Yevgeny Prigozhin: from Zero to Zigger

Hi all , I've been thinking about doing a longpost on Prigozhin while he was still a semi-obscure screeching vatnik to score some of those 'not like other posters' points. Sadly, him becoming a household name literally overnight for trying to coup the Russian government kinda threw a wrench in that plan. So please pretend its still the 23rd while reading this. Anyways, here is Yevgeny Prigozhin- one of the most dramatic individuals of our generation.

Chapter 1: enthusiast

Our story begins in a commieblock in bootleg Helsinki (then Leningrad, now St. Petersburg) in 1961. Prigozhin was born of Russoid mother and a jewish father , thus proving that God's chosen people can prosper anywhere even in the frozen hellscape that is the Soviet Union! Sadly, his father died early and as such, young Prigozhin was mostly raised by step-father who had the (((same ethnic background))) as his real dad. Young Gozhin' often dreamed of becoming a cross-country skiier and luckily for him, his step father happened to be an instructor in the sport. He pursued this early dream of pooping on snowboarders by attending and graduating a prestigious athletics boarding school.

Chapter 2: Jail time bussyblasting and professionl wiener handler

As any literature major will tell you , you can't have your protagonist start from an OK-ish situation, you need to totally run him into the ground before you build him up. Unsurprisingly, this is what happened to our favourite alcoholic!

As it turns out, cross-country skiing didn't work out that well and our homeboy turned to a life of crime . When he was 18, Prigozhin was given a suspended 2-year sentence for stealing but that wasn't enough to deter our boyo. Just two years later he was caught again and sentenced to 12 years in prison, ending up serving 9. Not much is known about his life there but it seems he listened to the wrong Jordan Peterson audiobook! Here we have an eloquent gentleman telling us how he bunked in jail with Prigozhin, who apparently was a 'rooster' (prison slang for bottom bussyhole) and got a sloppy toppy from the big Gozhin himself!

Freshly released out of jail just as the Soviet Union was falling apart, it seems the Prigozhins fell on hard times .

As such he ended up selling hot-dogs with his mum and stepfather in the flea market. That may have been the end of him but turns out Prigozhin's experience in handling wieners saved his Boyeprisussy @all_correct_opinions.

Chapter 3: Business tycoon simulator fall of the USSR edition

The details are a bit muddy in this area but what we know is that apparently the Russian hot-dog business was booming. Prigozhin soon became the manager of the largest grocery store chain in St Petersburg which just happened to be founded by one of his old classmates from that boarding school sometime in the 90s. Things started snowballing from there on and Prigozhin decided to expand into the goombling business getting to own a bunch of casinos. Apparently, thats when he got to meet the chairman of the Russian board for casinos, a balding manlet who would end up playing a kinda big part in Russian politics .

Aged 34, (1995) Prigozhin decided to give high end restaurants a try. Given that this was the most gourmet meal money could buy you in the Russian 90s its no surprise it was a hit.

His most successful one was New Island, a luxury restaurant built on a rusty butt ship Prigozhin probably bought for a carton of cigarettes and a BJ which he ended up blinging out. The afore-mentioned balding manlet was a big fan of it, going there a lot of times often inviting other kinda important people.

A hot-dog seller, a taxi driver and a war criminal walk into a bar....

Not one to limit himself at just being one of the richest men in Russia, in the early 2000s Prigozhin even tried publishing children's books. Here is a picture of him and his family they included in the preface .

More interesting is that he is even credited with the artwork, heres a couple of illustrations that he made for the book.

What a wholesome family man , I'm sure he won't end up commiting crimes against humanity sometime down the line .

In the meantime, his businesses just kept expanding and earned him a lot of cozy catering contracts with the Kremlin and the Russian government . They were so widespread you couldn't even get soda pop in there without one of Prigozhin's companies not being behind it. This earned him the nickname 'Putins Chef'.

Chapter 4: Irl glowposting

Another one of Prigozhin's ventures was the funding and creation of some online shitposting groups, the most notorious being the 'Internet research Agency'. Where (according to the New York times anyways) people would be paid pretty comfy wages just post what your average 4chan use would do FOR FREE . They fedposted so hard the company got indicted by the US for 'interfering' with the 2016 election and the FBI issued a warrant for Prigozhin's arrest. Not one to be intimidated by glorified bio-luminescent internet jannies, Prigozhin confessed that he did interfere with U.S. elections and that he will fricking do it again

Chapter 5: Wagner- Humble Beginnings

Although throughout 2014-2021 Prigozhin denied involvement in Wagner, in 2022 he finally publicly came out as its leader and admitted he founded it all the way back in 2014. Like most shadow backed private military companies (PMC) 'Wagner Group' started out as a drunk band of vatniks lobbing explosives at civillian populated areas in Donbas back in 2015 as the Russian gov wanted a way to do so while maintaining plausible deniability . Its worth noting that group is run akin to an actual company, as mercenary groups are officially illegal in Russia. Funnily enough, Wagner is officially registered in St Petersburg as a 'management consultancy'.

They got their first big break in 2017 where they got a pretty lucrative contract with the Central African Republic. Essentially, they would show their policemen which end of the rifle goes pew-pew at unarmed protesters and in exchange they would get mineral rights to various gold and diamond mines. They even got involved in Syria where they would support pro-Assad forces until they got absolutely btfod in 2018 by US forces using F15s, Apaches and Reapers which ended up with the destruction an entire battalion of russoids

Chapter 6: Shitposting in the 3 day Special Military Operation

After publicly stepping up as leader of Wagner in 2022, lets just say that Prigozhin has adopted a very'hands-on' management style and is very involved in the groups activities. He also trolls the shit out of everyone, whether its the Ukrainians the Russian MoD or vatniks , and it is absolutely glorious. I won't cover the 'le bad' g*mer moments (see: warcrimes ) he had (like that sledgehammer video you can see on our sister website) as this is already turning into a reddit-tier longpost but instead focus on Prigozhin himself and the more dramatic stuff he's been up to in Ukraine.

* The incident

For context, Wagner doesnt make its own shit. Instead they get it from the Russian MoD. As such, arguably the most famous Prigozhin video is him pointing a pile of dead s where he is blaming the russian military leaders for their deaths as apparently they did not hand them out enough shells. You probably know the og video so instead I'll post the version they showed on Japanese primetime news.

Also, he got soyjaked as frick lmao

(thx for the template @hawgrancher)

* Champaigne for Ukrainian soldiers

A while back, Ukrainian soldiers repeatedly bragged that after they drove Wagner out of Bakhmut they would celebrate their victory with champagne. Well, once Wagner captured the city, Prigozhin sent a truck full of sparkling wine to Ukrainian soldiers taken from a factory near Bakhmut .

Also, on the box he wrote "To Ukrainian women, happy March 8th"

* The stalwart defenders of Bakhmut

Eventually, he decided to pull out of Bakhmut (oh gee, I wonder why ) and transfer the ownership of the city to the Russian Armed Forces. However, he left them with two elite supersoliders to ensure the city remains in safe hands.

* Larping as a Lidl-tier Tom Cruise

He also challenged Zelensky to an Ace Combat style duel over the ownership of Bakhmut that one time lol

Lastly, the thing that surprises me the most is that despite all things (remember the hammer video ?) he actually seems to care about his own soliders and Ukrainian ones as well as civilians to some degree. For instance, there are videos of him ensuring the bodies of Ukrainian volunteers are returned with the correct flag on their coffins, meeting with the families of dead Wagner soldiers,him coordinating prisoner exchanges and even holding application interviews with potential wagner recruits. Could be propaganda but its still more than what the bunker manlet is doing.

Chapter 7: Russian Civil War Special Withdrawal Operation

Also, apparently he's also fighting a full scale war with the Russian military over ownership of the country which is pretty cool.

Prigozhinbros...its over

!effortposters I hope you enjoyed this longpost and if you read so far down it means a lot to me, truly! @Cassidy

Who should I do another effortpost on next (in 6 to 8 business months)?