TIFU by telling my girlfriend her weight gain is unattractive to me

Hey everyone, I'll start off with saying that I am dating my significant other for over 4 years now. She is the love of my life, I definitely love her and I will do anything to make her happy. I am even saving up to take her to her dream trip and to propose to her there. I am an ex competitive athlete, so my entire life I've been eating right and working out, I did have an obese childhood but when I discovered sports I fell inlove with it.

Now, over the last few years she has gained a lot of weight, we are talking over 20kg when she initially was already a bit overweight. My type was always skinny and fit women but I really clicked with her and liked her that I was still attracted to her when she was a bit heavier than my type. Now however I just don't really feel the physical attraction. I never brought it up to her as I didn't want her to feel bad and I know it also bothers her as she can't dress how she wants and finding clothes is a struggle for her. She brought up that she wanted to lose weight but she couldn't afford the dietition she wanted so I pay for that for her (its a big chunk of my salary aswell) and I definitely know its a good dietitian that specializes in EDs and plenty of other things and I knew people who she really helped. I also do the majority of the cooking but she doesn't enjoy my "healthy foods" and only the cheat meals. I offered to take her workout with me and even pick up a new sport so that we will both be amateurs together but it didn't hold for more than 2 sessions. She is also perfectly healthy (as in no hormonal problems and such) and she is mentally healthy (which I am really happy about!)

Well due to my lack of sexual attraction we barely have s*x, she is trying to initiate but I am just not into it. Today she asked me if I would be happy if she lost some weight and I said "I think you're pretty but you'll definitely be a super model when you get to your goal body". Then she asked me if the reason we have less s*x is due to her fat gain and my stupid brain just said "I think its part of it"

And she doesn't want to talk to me as of right now.

TLDR I accidentally said that I am not attracted to my girlfriend of over 4 years due to her weight gain and now she doesn't talk to me.

Bodies change all throughout life... can you really only be sexually attracted to a single type of body? I think you could work on that.

its okay to not be attracted to obese people its unhealty especially when something can be done about it bodies do change if you dont work to upkeep them

Health issues happen, babies happen, life happens. Staying in shape is not even close to being everyone's main priority. You don't have to be attracted to obese people, but the love you have for another person should usually be what makes you feel attracted to them.

Those are all cop outs to avoid taking personal responsibility.

I tend to shy away from suggesting that what we find sexually attractive is a choice.

Not saying it's a choice. Just saying if your range of what you find attractive is narrow enough that it excludes people you can fall in love with, there may be an issue

Oof. Yeah, she's better off with someone who will love her and find her hot at any weight. My husband and I met at 15, we are now 40. Our bodies have changed a lot with age, circumstances, lifestyle changes, and health issues. We still find each other hot at any age and any size. Because it's him I'm attracted to, that makes the vessel (body) he's in attractive to me regardless of what that looks like. And that's how it should be. You don't have your health or ability to stay fit guaranteed. Anything can happen tomorrow and you better hope and pray that the people who love you will love you regardless of your physical form.

Yeah he is the bad guy for no longer being attracted to his partner after she gained 50lbs in a year. What a horrible person!

Correct

Look, you're not going to be able to bully her or dietician her or police her into losing weight, especially in order to have her be the kind of professional athlete fit that you realized you want. It's a fundamentally incompatible thing.

You may find that women who have the bandwidth and goals to meet that level of attraction for you fit into your life, or they spend so much time on that you came second to Cross-fit or Triathalons or whatever. You've picked your bed, and your current girlfriend will never be the right weight for it.

"She is also perfectly healthy"--so you need to leave her alone about it and find some Red Sonja you want to frick, instead of torturing your normal, pleasant, loving girlfriend who is too fat to matter for you.

" I definitely love her and I will do anything to make her happy." Except love her for who she is, and not the gym bod you have prioritized over everything else about her. Do the loving thing and break up, don't waste her life on being miserable to meet an arbitrary metric for your peepee.

Man did you pick the parts of the post you wanted and run with them...

I doubt this individual runs.

Honestly, if her reaction to you trying to communicate your lack of attraction due to her incredibly unhealthy lifestyle, which you've already spent countless hours and dollars trying to help her correct, is to cut you off then it's way better it happens sooner rather than later. You used a soft tone and have been incredibly supportive this entire time. If anything, you fricked up by not confronting the problem yourself, possibly leading her to feel hurt by your repeated, unexplained rejections in way that makes her view you as dishonest.

Anyways, balls in her court now. Either she's willing to live a healthier lifestyle with your help, or she wants to slowly kill herself with someone else. You can't help having physical standards for yourself and your partner. Not everyone's sexuality is waved away by some magic wand of love, and that's okay. Wait until she's ready to talk and let her know you'll keep supporting and loving her with all your heart if you two decide you can work on this together.

It is hammered into women's heads that their worth is based on their weight and attractiveness. She is probably feeling worthless right now. She is crying a lot and probably is unable to discuss it without crying right now. I doubt her intention is to “cut him off.”

It's not worth but attraction that is tied to her weight, the same way it is with men and height. You can change your weight, so no excuses.

That's your opinion. I don't know any woman who gives a darn about height. I've never dated a guy over 5'9”.

Its the no 1 selector on many sites and your anecdotal data does not change the statistics. :)

vs

You didn't frick up by telling her that, you fricked up by being a shallow piece of shit.

This is a useless and dumb statement

Nah, it's useful and intelligent. Unless OP is gonna try to Leo it and constantly replace his partner with a newer younger model then being an butthole about changing appearance is not going to work. And of course some day he will most likely begin to degrade in his appearance and he would want to get shit on for that.

as you get older, it becomes impossible to lose weight

Why do people get so butt hurt about something they can and want to change? Want bigger muscles? Lift weights and eat more. Want to weigh less? Eat less, move more.

We need more body shaming imo

true