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Why am I being such a coward? I cannot think straight towards my permanent rest

Everytime I feel like okay this is it, everytime I plan "Tomorrow I will move my stupid butt to go around town various pharmacy searching for various pills pertaining to bloot sugar, blood pressure medicines" in bulk(around 3-4 batches) and take 1 file each, if one batch doesnt work, I will have two more to try again.

But everytime I cannot think of actually doing it. Its like one moment I am extremely in ready state but for some reason my mind now wants to only think of funny stuff. How can I actually go ahead and do it? I am tired of this childish game I play with myself.

I have also withdrawn the money from an ATM machine because it wont be wise to pay with bank transfer as I wouldnt want any of those pharmacies getting into trouble because of me

5
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You're having trouble because you don't actually want to do it. What you are feeling right now won't last forever, it will pass if you get help.

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What would it be like for someone serious? Every time I feel like it, it just either passes or something. I just tend to forget I even had this thought the next day. I really want to be serious but it never happens. I dont want to be that guy who goes on Facebook Live saying "Look what you did to me blah blah blah" when I decide to do it, it will be my personal choice. I dont care what anyone thinks or what anyone should know.

If Heaven or Heck exists, I may explain it there but I will likely never want to talk with them there. If not, it would be great to never meet again.

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I'm not going to pretend I know what you are going through right now, but why not embrace the fact that the feeling passes for you?

You may unironically find some help from one of the therapycels on /h/therapy

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