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Groped my fatso desk-buddy's jiggly belly twice this past month. One time said "You look good, buddy!" too. Bought him lunch twice, both times I ordered a large pizza and 67 fl oz Coke.
I thought I'd insult him if I bought a smaller portion and he was still hungry afterwards. 
HR said I have to converse with them one-on-one and discuss this behavior. At 9AM. On zoom.
Inshallah GOD finally heard my prayers 
The only slight downside is I won't get neetbux because of "Termination with Cause"
Tl;dr - Getting shitcanned bozos.
!dramatards !burgers !r-slurs Will update at 10AM.
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Update: !commenters
HR guy (100% gay) says
1. it's inappropriate to touch or make fun of someone's body shape for 20 fricking minutes. I tell him I heard some women laughing at the cafeteria about my fatso friendo so I decided to show my love towards him. I was raised in a poor working class family and that's the only way I know how to show my affection. (ALL LIES). HR sits in silence for 3/4 minutes, pretends to look at documents (I know he doesn't know how to respond to that) and tells me he'll keep it in his mind.
2. Buying someone an extremely heavy lunch can be misconstrued as sending a bad signal - I repeat No.1 again, (and also my prepared I thought I'd insult him if I bought a smaller portion and he was still hungry afterward ) HR - silence again.
3. Tells me I should probably try to communicate more with empathy and my emotions rather than coming up with solutions. I tell him I did it once when I was a recent hire, two people (both have gone to other companies) laughed and called me a pu**y and gay. At this point I'm having trouble trying to hide my wheeze from telling so many consecutive lies.
HR sits in silence for another 5 minutes. I ask him if I can look at my work laptop for any new emails. He tells me, absolutely, you don't need my permission. I am always here if you want to talk about anything. I can call Xth Floor (Boss Room) to say that you should be granted off till lunch because of this meet. I politely tell him it won't be necessary but thank him for being so kind.
4. He ends the formal procedure of HR meet with the recommendation that the employee has been nothing but a valuable asset to this corpo from Day 1 and should be viewed as such.
Tl;dr - HOOK, LINE AND SINKER. TOTAL DRAMATARD VICTORY. WE EXIST TO BAIT AND SPREAD LIES
5. After this, he terminates the zoom, calls me up and says, "I think I know which group of women you're talking about." (uhhhh what? because I don't
) Then remembers he's an HR and diverts the conversation towards how's my mental and physical health, am I getting enough rest...etc pleasantries and hangs up.
What the frick?
Are a bunch of random foids getting grilled on their year end HR review because of my lies?
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This is your HR guy talking to your boss later today.
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I hope I climb up the ladder into a department with even more HR scrutiny. If it's this easy to game it, pretty soon I'll be doing nothing but getting paid because "I'm an asset"
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Insanely based if true
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LOL no way
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Allahu Akbar, if I'm axed I'm taking at least one HR scum out with me who reassured the company I am of value.
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Hr "Gays" are almost just straight guys with a funny voice. None of them are actually taking it up the butt and just pretend to for the job (though they should be forced to imo).
There was an HR guy sitting next to me once with a cute twink accent and I go to the company gym and he's repping 75s on db shoulder press and texting foids on tinder.
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I remember there being one straggot HR guy in the HR side of the office and I asked him what he did one day when I met him in the micro kitchens (while I was stuffing my backpack full of drinks).
He was apparently the HR Grim Reaper and as the sole man, was the guy who shitcanned the low-levels and Jeets because it made the other HR girlies uncomfy to lay them off because sometimes they yelled at them.
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not reading your substack
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