CW: OP repeatedly misgenders her step son

SageSunrise: I am a step-mom to two wonderful girls age 12 and 13. Recently, the 12yo confessed to me that she "wants to be a boy." I asked her why she feels that way, and she wasn't able to explain, just "I don't know, I just do."

Now, she's always been kind of a tomboy. Over the summer she got a pixie cut haircut (with pink highlights), and she sometimes wears "boyish" clothes. But at the same time, she enjoys stereotypically feminine activities like baking cupcakes and playing with makeup. She loves all the current pop music girlies and knows every trivia fact about Sabrina Carpenter. As a younger kid she liked stereotypical "boy" toys like Nerf guns and dinosaurs (who didn't??) but also had a babydoll she treated as her actual child for YEARS.

So what I'm saying is - she's not a boy. She might be a lesbian (she hasnt confirmed it, but she is REALLY into Sabrina Carpenter...), but definitely not a boy.

How do I talk to her about this? I'm sure these feelings are coming from a confused discomfort with puberty hormones and body changes that she's misinterpreting as some kind of "gender dysphoria." The kids go to a very liberal private school and I know they're getting all the TRA messaging there (this is their last year there).

Does anyone have any experience with this? Any advice? I'm afraid if I just shut it down full stop she'll dig her heels in, but I'm definitely not going along with it. Their father (my husband) feels the same as me, and while their mom isn't as peaked, she has assured my husband she would never consider any medical intervention. Plus, we live in a super red state where "gender affirming care" is extremely hard to come by and might soon be illegal for minors.

Any advice?

Comments:

radicalacceptance: Sounds like you should let her parents handle it.

iconic: Did you read the post?

I am a step-mom to two wonderful girls

Step-parents are parents in every sense of the word. They take on the responsibility of caring for, nurturing, and guiding a child

She is trying to handle it, are you treating her as less of a parent?

radicalacceptance:It might hurt some people's feelings to accept reality but stepparents do not have the same rights or responsibilities as legal parents.

PiquedInterest: She's not one of the girls' biological parents, but she's still an adult closely involved in their life, not a random stranger who can just punt them off to their parents.

radicalacceptance: Oh? Why can't she punt this one?

Every divorced dad in the world wants to dump his parenting responsibilities on his new wife. OP doesn't need to play along. She doesn't have any legal authority over these kids' medical decisions anyway. She can and should let the parents handle it.

iconic: Step-parents contribute to the emotional, financial, and practical well-being of the family unit. It's not uncommon or wrong for them to become fully integrated into the fabric of a child's life and assume the responsibilities traditionally associated with "legal" parenthood

The law doesn't guarantee better decision-making capabilities. "Biological" or adoptive parents might not possess the knowledge or understanding to make the most informed decisions for a child's well-being. OP possesses the knowledge or understanding that "transgenderism" ruins bodies and lives. With this knowledge comes a moral obligation/responsibility to ensure that medical decisions are made in the child's best interest

The moral obligation/responsibility of a well-informed and loving step-parent supersedes the limitations of the law. Let OP handle it. Without information on the availability or involvement of the other "biological" parent, it's unwarranted to use the law to dismiss OP's concerns

radicalacceptance: Ok, but that's not actually how any of this works. The kids' parents make the kids' medical decisions and if OP disagrees it doesn't matter if she's objectively right or a better parent.

I'm sure dad loves checking out and letting OP handle this "because you're just so much better at this than I am" though. Divorced dad 101. Let's all be smarter than this?

!schizomaxxxers