The benzo high (a dance with the devil)

It creeps in slowly, so slow that you're convinced you're sober until it's undeniable that the pills have hit. A pleasant warmness spreads through your body, and your limbs begin to feel like jelly. It's almost like that scene in the Harry Potter books when Harry breaks his arms and Professor Loveheart tries to mend it and ends up removing all his bones and his arm is like rubber. That's how your whole body feels. Your eyes droop, music feels like it's slowed down and playing in the centre of your brain. Your thinking slows and you're suddenly freed from whatever was stressing you before. Your mind is a clean slate, no love no hate. Free. As you get to the centre of the trip, your breathing slows down and it becomes harder to string together coherent thoughts. You're just lost in it all. Your short term memory becomes non-existent, and you begin to act on ideas that your brain would have normally rejected. Use ubereats to order a bunch of chocolate? Sure. Drive to the dispensary? Totally acceptable thing to do. After all, you feel sober. You really do. Yeah, your body feels like lead and moves like a flag in the wind, but your mind is fine, you convince yourself.

On benzos, the world is at peace, everything is right. And it feels so good, but you can't get rid of the thought that it could be better. Maybe if you take more, you'll feel even better. After all, you're still sober. Gulp Okay that's ten more benzos that should be enough. Ha ha, now I can't walk straight. Redosing was fun. I should redose again and see if things get better.... what now, all my benzos are gone. Where did they go? Did I eat them? Okay, lemme talk to my friends online. Darn it's getting hard to type but I really love them and it's important they know that. Okay, I think that's coherent. Hit send.

Play some video games, eat food, watch youtube videos, vape THC, lie in bed and enjoy the warmth, text Sarah and tell her I love her.... when did I make a post on rdrama? I genuinely don't remember that. Why is there an empty plate in front of me? I don't remember eating. But I must have done it, all the evidence is there. Okay, maybe I should take more benzos. Dammit, they're done.... when did I get into bed and when did I send all these texts? Ahh still feel warm, stress-free. The world is a good place. Lemme listen to some music and vape some weed. I can barely keep my eyes open. Play video games on my Steam Deck. Finally succumb to sleep.

Wake up two days later. Food on the floor, missed calls, overly affectionate texts sent to random people, brain feels like mush, I have trouble making sense of time and my past. It feels like I timeskipped two days but apparently I was up and eating and sending texts, including on groomercord and rdrama. People are making fun of me on rdrama because my posts are incoherent. I deserve it. I look all around the floor and in the cupboards to see if I dropped pills anywhere. If I'm lucky I'll find 4 or 5, enough for a mellow evening.

What kind of life is this? It has to be put to an end. I have more potential than this. The benzo days were fun but it's time to move on.