b-word, let me tell you about Plato. The allegory of the cave? Guess what... that shit actually happened. Some pregnant women were walking down a road one day when Plato jumped out of nowhere and punched those b-words so hard that the babies popped out. But he didn't stop there... he caught the little bastards in mid air and tossed 'em into this deep cave, then started this huge butt fire at the mouth of the cave using the corpses of the mothers as kindling (they wouldn't shut up about their babies for some reason). Then he guarded the cave entrance for like 20 years all while making crazy hand puppet shows in front of the fire to frick with the kids' minds as they grew up (he also wrote The Republic and his other works during this time; he was widely regarded as a master of multitasking).

Finally one day one of the GAR kids comes out of the cave and battles Plato in hand to hand combat for his freedom and the freedom of the other kids. Of course he loses, but Plato likes his spirit and tells the kid he can go tell the others that they're free. So he goes back and describes the whole battle and the outside world to the other kids and they're too chickenshit to leave because it sounds too scary, and despite his best efforts, the brave kid can't convince them, so he goes back outside and he and Plato head out to Athens to bang some hot ancient Greek women.

Oh, and the kid's name? Aristotle.

Snapshots:

• ghostarchive.org

• archive.org

• archive.ph (click to archive)