EFFORTPOST A support group for family members of r/drama yields an unexpected lolcow

About:

BPDFamily.com is the leading online support group for the family members of individuals suffering from Borderline personality disorder (BPD) and other personality and impulse disorders. It is a safe place for intelligent discussion and freedom from the egos and tempers that plague many large blogs and messageboards. The members here are genuine and caring.

The group was established in 2005 and is one of the first "cyber" support groups to be recognized by the medical establishment and receive professional referrals. The group has 280 professional members and has collaborated with a number of University research projects.

Extraordinary lolcows from outer space: JazzSinger

Terminal autism ahead. Proceed with caution

This is a chronological( September 2023 to January 2025) tale of Jazzsinger, the fattiest lolcow I have found in a long time

Her first post

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356483.0

I am at the end of my rope with my uhwBPD.

About 10 years ago, I tried therapy on my own, since my husband refused to go to couples therapy and would NEVER seek treatment for himself. I got support as well as good advice on how to live with him. But at the time, I didn't know he had BPD. I only knew something was wrong with him, and I wanted to try to fix our marriage. My therapist thought it might be NPD. Now, I think it's both. I've sought her advice off and on, over the years.

But I think he's getting worse. I'm miserable. Although I have friends and activities that keep me busy (we're both retired), I still have to deal with him 24/7. He never stops criticizing me, and he never stops blaming me when HE hurts my feelings. He never stops gaslamping. I do a good job of shutting down and not reacting, or even walking away when he's attacking me — Sometimes that diffuses it. But I fear his behavior may be taking a toll on my physical health, as well as my emotional well being. I don't buy into the things he's said about me over the years, but having to defend yourself in your own home is just wrong. And debilitating.

Somehow, I don't think another round of therapy will help me. I feel I'll just be running to a professional with my hair on fire, unloading about all he's done to me, and how difficult it is to live with him. Been there, done that. In the end, it doesn't help much, and sometimes it makes me angrier because he's the one who needs help.

I guess the unspoken truth is that there's nothing left for me to do but leave. Not easy when you're living on a fixed income and splitting up would bankrupt both of us.

So, under the circumstances, I wonder if more therapy might ease the pain?

uhwbpd is only used by Jazzsinger. Uhw means "unhealthy husband with". This b-word is already cringier than 90% of stragbots on srs.

She wants her husbandoid to know he's hurting her (with words):

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356439.0

Hi,

My hwBPD often criticizes me during his outbursts. Afterwards, he either denies the episode or turns it around, saying I'm the one who is angry, unstable, etc. It's as if he's unaware that he's tearing our relationship apart.

Is there no way to get through to a pwBPD? He doesn't even respond rationally during calmer times. He just doesn't want to talk about it. He starts making jokes or just making me the bad guy. It's infuriating.

I can't live a pretend life in my own house. Even though I'm dependent on his income (we're both retired), I'm thinking I need to figure out a way to get out. It may just be too difficult to live out my golden years with him.

I try not to absorb his negativity, but it's not working very well.

Do they ever admit they're wrong?

The moid don't even remember acting out on his foid

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356100.0

Hi,

I'm a newbie here.

My husband is a BPD. After outbursts that include put downs, name calling, and horrible, false statements about me, the next day, he often claims he has no recollection of it. If I repeat the things he said to me, he denies it, and becomes furious. He usually ends up saying I'm trying to start an argument with him. If he does remember the outburst, he somehow makes it my fault.

During his outbursts, his eyes often appear to be glazed over, which is why I sometimes believe he's in a daze, and doesn't remember what he said.

Do BPDs typically have no memory of the things they've said during an outburst?

Is he gaslamping me?

I'm confused.

Thanks in advance for your comments.

She's fricking confused at this stage. I'm starting to get suspicious who the r-slur is.

Why didn't I see his whoreoscope earlier. Maybe he's a leo and I'm an aquarium.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356415.0

Hi,

I'm married to a hwBPD. I've posted before, but now I'm trying to understand why it took so long for me to realize my husband had a serious problem. It's been 20 years, but I finally realized he may have BPD just months ago.

I've never admitted this to anyone, but I think, in the beginning, he withheld intimacy as a way of control, as well as to make me plead, so that he could feel more wanted. At the time, I thought he was just tired a lot or that we were not compatible in that area, even though it was never a problem when we dated for two years. I put up with it, because it wasn't always the case 100% of the time. Is this something that a pwB PD would do?

Eventually, he exhibited problems handling stress, and he'd have outbursts over seemingly nothing. Then the outbursts would devolve to insults and name calling. Then came the gaslamping - Everything is my fault. I have mood swings. I have anger issues. Then came extreme anger over the tiniest things. That's where we are now. It's awful. I cope because we're retired and rely on each other's income for survival. So I try to build a life outside of our home with friends and activities I love.

I just want to know if withholding intimacy is something pwBPD would do. Also, does anyone think this was the beginning of his BPD behaviors on our marriage?

Thanks.

Her moid is a feathery indian two spirit

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356590.0

My uhwBPD often seems to have no recollection of the horrible things he's said to me. I'm beginning to think he's two people — One who can be kind and loving, and the other who is highly critical, judgmental, narcissistic, and mean-spirited. I'm also starting to think that the good one is not aware of the bad one, and vice versa. I don't know if he's playing games with me or if he really isn't aware of his horrific behaviors when he's verbally assaulting me.

It's beyond frustrating.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Thanks.

He turned into a troid foid

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356577.0

My hwBPD complains about everything, including things he can't change, like the lack of sunlight in one of the rooms in our home. He'll complain about the same thing for 20 years, literally, and he thinks it's normal to do so. Because I'm human, I get frustrated sometimes and I say to him, "How can you keep complaining about X, for 20 years, when you know we can't fix it?" He's instantly furious, and he tells me his behavior is perfectly normal. Or, I may say, "Why don't we try doing A, to fix problem B?" He becomes LIVID, telling me I'm trying to shut him up. Well, yes, I am

She's a senior city gal who never learnt to drive. Mayofoids are god's punishment. Also, this was her most unhinged rant till then. It only gets worse from here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356626.0

In addition to emotional abandonment when I was sick a couple of times, my uhwBPD is now refusing to help me with things I took for granted. He's done with driving me anywhere that takes longer than 10-15 minutes, unless he wants to go there. I'm a senior who's a city gal who can't drive. So I must now ALWAYS use public transportation, which he claims is "beneath him." He drives himself everywhere. But apparently, public transportation is good enough for me. If I want to visit a friend who is a bit too far away via public transportation, I can no longer ask him to drive me. So either my girlfriend adjusts, if possible, or we just can't meet. Fortunately, most of my friends live nearby, but it still stings. Now, the car is for him ONLY, unless we go to a place of his choosing or to the doctor, together. This is new. It's not so much that he's getting worse — it's more like the "flavor is changing."

He's in charge of our food budget, but now he's reluctant to buy simple things for me, that I want for myself, like a few containers of yogurt, for example. So I've decided I'm not going to fight for a yogurt — I'll just buy my own. It's so crazy! When I told him I'd buy my own, he got MAD! I thought I was offering a solution to a problem. Now I know better. I buy my own stuff, without announcing it. And I don't beg him for anything. I've learned a lot from this website.

My home is more peaceful now, because I don't fight back. I use S.E.T. Sometimes I just walk away. But more and more, I try to operate like a single person now. I dare not count on him for anything. Perhaps I can get him to be more accepting of the idea that it may be best to live like roommates— you do your thing, l'll do mine. We're almost there anyway.

Dinners with friends are a joy, compared to the veiled insults and put downs that I usually must endure from him at the dinner table. I sit there and play "rope a dope," like I'm sparring with Muhammad ALI! That too has escalated, but he sneaks it in, rather than yelling. It's little digs about how I place my napkin, etc. And he barely listens to or remembers anything I say. With friends, I'm a person — they're a person. We enjoy each other.

I just had to vent. It's hard to see him just letting go of husbandly responsibilities, but on the other hand, I guess it's for the best, as well as inevitable. The marriage is falling apart.

The dramagears have fallen off the dramationship

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=356691.0

Sadly, I've lost respect for my uhwBPD. I know he's mentally ill, but I just can't understand why he doesn't realize he needs treatment. Further, the more he devolves into behaving like a toddler or a demon by telling lies, engaging in name calling and put downs, blowing up, being a know it all, whining, and so many more impossible behaviors, the less respect I have for him as a human being. He has no self-control. It's sad.

As a wife, I'm not getting the respect I deserve. So how can I respect him?

He lies a lot. And often times he doesn't remember important conversations we've had, nor does he remember conversations we've had with mutual friends. It begs the question, Is he even bothering to pay attention to me or anyone else? Is he capable of active listening?

I guess I'm just venting again. Sorry. I need to get out more, because I know he's not changing. I need my friends around me. I need to make more good times for myself, because he's like a chain around my ankle; a weight on my shoulders. It's hard when you're retired. Your BPD is around 24/7. It's no picnic.

Clearly, any love or respect I had for him is a mere shadow of what it used to be. There's not much left.

Mayofoid doesn't know what "moid_autism.exe activated" is. Imagine the horror.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357169.0

Even though my uhwBPD has been calm for about a month now, he's still obsessed with one or two topics in the news as well as the construction of a new building near us. He worries a lot. He gets excited, and he searches for people who validate his opinions on YouTube, and he plays it loudly when he finds them. Thank God he turns it down when I ask him to. And he talks about these things over, and over, and over. Then, he wants me to keep engaging in conversations about this stuff all the time, but I just can't. And I don't want to!

So I find myself being nervous when he brings up his pet subjects, even though I KNOW I don't have to be as interested in these topics as he is. And it makes me angry too, because he tries to force me to talk sometimes. It's hard. I'd love to be able to tell him he's talking about this stuff way too much, and that I'm not interested. I've tried doing that. He gets very angry. He thinks he's behaving normally and he says there's something wrong with me.

He's so hard to live with, even when he's mostly pleasant and normal. I'm in my seventies. I just want to live my golden years in peace. He wears me out. It's like he talks about the same stuff over and over, on a loop sometimes.

I once heard him on the phone with one of his friends, when he slipped into his pet topics. I could tell his friend kept changing the subject. But my hwuBPD kept going on, and on, and on, until eventually, he stopped. Then, he and his friend went on to discuss other things. When I change the subject, he shouts, "Don't change the subject!"

I can't win. Thank God for my friends. Thank God I get out of the house and I have my own life. But we are retired, so I have no choice but to spend a lot of time with him at home.

At least he's not criticizing me or blowing up at every little thing I say or do. I am grateful for that.

I'm just venting. He's hard to live with. I've just got to engage in more self care. The gym. The movies. Lunch with friends. Manicures. It helps. And of course, I'm forever grateful that I found a safe place here.

At this point even the most hardened enemies of the state, trumpistani muskovites would tell this woman to stop complaining and gtfo of this relationship.

But like a fly to a venus trap or an r-slur to rdrama, she is addicted to chronicling her spiral.

She learnt some lessons after her husband's worst outburst ever. That lesson? You guessed it. She's not going to leave him. Lmao

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357111.0

A few months back, I thought I'd lose my mind. My husband had an outburst that resulted in six months of his angry face, his meanness, and his constant criticism of me. I thought I was at the doorstep of a nervous breakdown. . It felt like more pain, sadness and anger (I hated him) than I could bear. All the while, I feigned normalcy, so as not to set him off and make him worse. Still, I think he knew I was merely putting up with him. I was going through the motions. Then, one day, he seemed to snap out of it, and was he normal and even more loving than he'd been in quite a while.

Things are still OK now, and I'm grateful for a peaceful home, even though I know it's only temporary.

Next time, I'll get out. I'll take a hotel for a couple of nights, to get away from the pressure of it. Because if I don't, next time I could lose my mind. I was tempted to go to a hospital and ask for help, because I felt so fragile at times. It was very hard to live in a state of fear yet fake normalcy the whole time. I felt like I wanted to leave my body. It was too much. Six months is a long time!

If I leave for a bit, at least I'll be able to think. To rest. To live without fear of the next insult. The next angry facial expression. And I can't worry about how he'll react. I just need to save myself. Because he's not worth my sanity. Unfortunately, as a senior citizen on a limited income, I can't leave forever. But I can take mini breaks from him. And I will.

Oh my lord. I forgot mayofoids all act the same irrespective of age

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357461.0

It looks like I I'll have to live with my uhwBPD, for the rest of my life. I have nowhere to run, and I can't throw him out. We're both senior citizens living on modest retirement funds. We live nicely, but he can't live well without my income, and vice versa.

Lately, as he's aging, he's gotten worse. There are more outbursts. More criticisms.He's angrier. He's more irritable. He's always anxious. I don't know how he can live with himself without seeking help, because I know he's in pain. On top of that, he's more forgetful. I see dementia creeping in. Nevertheless, it's difficult for me to feel compassion, because I'm the target of his anger.

At this time, he's so detached with reality that I no longer feel as hurt as I once felt, after a barrage of insults. I just see him as a sick person. I feel anger, because I can't fight back, but I don't feel as shaky and anxious as I've felt in the past. I think it's because I realize I'm living in the real world, and he clearly is not. I think the hardest thing is not being able to speak my mind or inject reality. He'll just tell me I'm too emotional. I'm too moody. I'm dark and evil. It's infuriating and frustrating.

I wonder if his current behavior is sustainable. He seems to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown, but I'm not a mental health professional, so I can't be sure. . It's as if he one HUGE, EXPOSED RAW NERVE. Everything bothers him. Maybe I'm just hoping for something to break. Because at times I wonder how long I can go on like this.

I appreciate being able to vent here. It helps a lot. Thank you all.

R-slur does r-slur thing. More news at 11:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357615.0

He seemed calm, so I brought up the subject of my leaving home for two days of self-pampering and meditation. Told I'd get a hotel room — just for a couple of nights. Some "me time." He told me he was OK with it.

THEN, HE WENT BALLISTIC.

It wasn't a full-blown outburst, but he was furious. He started right in with the name-calling. This time, he switched from calling me stupid to calling me old and worthless. Telling me no one else wants me, and that he wants a DIVORCE.

He announced that he'd noticed how detached I've been for the past six months or so. I told him it was because of his outbursts. I told him I'm still a traumatized, and it's part of the reason why I needed a bit of time away. He got angrier, and brought up all the things he sees as my weaknesses. The things that make me intolerable. And he told me the fact that I need two days to myself is the first sign that our marriage is over. He's right.

I'm nervous, but I feel FREE. I spoke my truth, and he heard me, finally. I've been under a lot of pressure, walking on eggshells most of the time.

BTW, I recorded one of his nastiest, meanest outbursts and played it for him. He said he was just joking. Then I mentioned another recent outburst that left me traumatized. He told me he was just joking that time too.

He said he doesn't like how much time I spend interacting with my friends and a dear cousin of mine. Meanwhile, they don't criticize me like he does, so I desperately need them. We enjoy each other's company. And we text and message each other. Because every time I open my mouth at home, I get criticized, harshly. The meaner and angrier he gets, the more I need my friends, and the more I withdraw from him. He sees it.

I don't know how this will end. For almost a year I've felt the marriage, in its current state, was unsustainable. Right now, he's giving me the silent treatment. We're in the same apartment, but acting like roommates. He could (and probably will) pull all of his financial support.

Whatever happens, I'll find a way to make it. Because I just can't take the abuse anymore. I don't care that I'm in my 70's and retired. I have the right to live in peace. I will find a way to thrive. It's scary, but being with him is just too painful.

More call for attention (from both sides)

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=357852.0

While I am pleased that my husband wuBPD hasn't had an outburst since December, his incessant, childish behaviors are extremely irritating.

On occasion, he "jokingly" wears a campaign hat of a candidate I don't like. He'd never wear it in public - he bought it and wears it solely to irritate me. I wouldn't care if I loved the candidate. Following me around with the cap on his head, teasing me, and not letting up, even when I ignore him, is maddening! This man is a senior citizen — not a toddler.

Sometimes I swat him out of the way. He tells me I have no sense of humor. I tell him that I do, but I'm an adult. Then he tells me I'm old. He asks me to put the hat on my head, so he can take a picture and send it to my friends. I refuse. He takes pictures of himself with the hat on. After a while, I don't even laugh. Because he's not a toddler that I'd be happy to humor. And he does it too much. I really don't need this daily teasing. So I'm thinking…Now, I have to leave the house and take a walk, when he starts with the hat. I know he's looking to get a rise out of me, so we can fight. I don't want to! He sometimes throws in irritating political slogans. But I just want peace. So I have to walk out of my own home to get it, I guess. Because otherwise, it's only a matter of time before it rises to the level of a shouting match. I can only take so much.

He can be an incredible nuisance. I wonder if there's another way to handle this, other than walking out?

I'm in my 70's. Can't start a new life, but would love to live in peace, as much as possible, considering his mental illness. I see dementia creeping in also.

I'm stumped.

This was the post that caught my eye. 100% this foid's husband either browsed /r/drama or lurks here

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358125.0

I've worked very hard on setting boundaries and self care, but there is one problem that looms largely and is dangerous. He now drives while watching his favorite YouTube channels.

He started by listening to music on the phone, and fiddling with it to switch songs, while driving. I always offered to take care of it while he drives, but he rarely allowed it, and I didn't want to wrestle the phone out of his hands.

Now, he'll mount the iPad or phone on the dashboard, and keep YouTube on, while he drives. He claims he's not watching — just listening, but it's not true. Because I've offered to hold it in my lap, but he won't allow it. And he refuses to stop.

So now, I must limit my time in the car with him. It's too dangerous. He does this on highways. We're not in the car much, because we live in a big city. So I'm practicing saying NO, the next time he wants me to come with him when he's driving the car. I just can't do it. I fear for his life and mine. It's only a matter of time before "Jesus takes the wheel."

I'm stressed because today we need to go somewhere and i need to get in the car with him. I pray my talks and pleadings have worked. Because I can't do this anymore. I don't know if he has a death wish. I don't know why he needs the distraction while driving. I just know he won't stop. I might call the police on him. Something has to be done. This is the last straw. No one should have to put up with this. I can't believe his level of mental illness.

Just when I was focusing on my life and friends, and doing better with him at home, now this. He's always upping the ante.

I don't know what to do. I need help.

Please listen. A mayofoid is venting about nothing.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358345.0

Yesterday was a bad day.

At 75 years old, I figured I'd better go to Urgent Care to get an X-Ray, since I'd had a pain in my ribs/lungs in my right side, for 4 to 5 days. In addition, I was having a bit of trouble breathing when I walked. My UHWBPD would NOT go with me, even though he was the one who suggested that I get it check out.

It turned out that I may have been experiencing the onset of pneumonia. I also had a low grade fever. Antibiotics and bed rest were prescribed. I came home, and asked my husband to go to the pharmacy (just across the street) to pick up my meds. He refused! He said he was too tired! So I went back out and picked them up myself.

Later, he spent the rest of the day cycling back and forth from being angry with me, to being needy. He wanted me to say that I was wrong for asking him to pick up my meds, because he was tired! I set him straight, telling him he was wrong, and shame on him. Mind you, I didn't even ask him to come to Urgent Care with me, because he was making excuses ahead of time.

I'm livid, but I'm controlling my anger.

I never imagined my marriage would devolve to this point. He's gotten so much worse over the years! It's been 20 years, but the past two years have been almost unbearable. I pray for the weeks and sometimes months when he's behaving normally. But lately, they're fewer and farther between. Last May 17, he had the worst outburst ever. I think it was his first. That's what led me to this site — I was searching for answers. It has been a blessing. But he's been going downhill even more rapidly ever since.

I'm trying to cope, because finances won't allow me to leave. And at my age, living in a very expensive part of the country, I'd never find affordable housing. Also, I can't afford our current home without him. So, I try to cope, but it's hard.

He's impossible sometimes. It's awful.

Thanks for "listening."

Strawhusband. She is also planning her escape.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358416.0

Yesterday was the last straw with my husband.

Once again, he talked about our beautiful home, ad nauseam, as if it's a dark, dreary cave. Then, he started playing a video, while driving, while I was in the car, and he refused to stop. He told me to take the subway next time. He said he sometimes wants to sleep in the car, in a park, at night, because our apartment is so bad for him. We live in a lovely, upscale co-op in a coveted neighborhood. Our apartment is beautiful. I think the problem is that I BOUGHT IT, years ago, and he moved in (from his tiny apartment in a bad neighborhood), twenty years ago, when we got married. So he puts it down, constantly. But yesterday was the worst.

My biggest fear was living in poverty without his income. Because I don't think I'd ever be able to get alimony out of him. He's very sick. Very volatile. So I'm thinking I might throw him out. — he can find a room somewhere. Hey — he claims he hates the apartment anyway. I can handle the bills he was covering for maybe 2 years. Then, I'll need to sell, and split the proceeds with him — his name is on the deed now too. I'll need to live low, but I won't be bankrupt.

I don't know if my plan will work, but just coming up with SOMETHING, makes me feel better.

Now, I'm NO LONGER AFRAID to get a hotel room for two nights, when he becomes unbearable. I don't care how mad he gets when I return, as long as he's not violent. I deserve some alone time. He doesn't want me to have it and has protested whenever I've mentioned it. He's afraid to let go of me for even two nights. Well, he doesn't own me. I'm 75 years old. I can book a hotel room without him. I finally have the courage to do it.

This is the NEW ME. (Most white woman sentence in the entire english language)

I feel better. I'm less fearful.

I know it needs some tweaking, butI hope my plan makes sense.

She finally abused a support helpline

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358497.0

I just contacted an abuse hotline. I was advised to just go ahead and get out for two days. I was told I'm going to be verbally abused no matter what.

I know I have to do something. I don't want to wait until he has another outburst, when I'd have to run out to save myself.

I have to be fearless and just make my move. I was told to "choose wellness." I was told that the verbal abuse is a choice. I'm not sure about that, but I was on a chat with the advisor, and I could only explain so much. Still, I'm convinced the abuse is coming from my husband's untreated BPD.

It did make me realize the seriousness of my situation, and how I'm choosing to stay rather than leave, even for a few days. Guess I need more self-examination too.

It's on ME to save myself.

She won. What did she gain? Nothing. What did it cost? Dignity

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358526.0

I'm starting to realize that a 2-day break from my UH might be a bad idea. His world turns upside down without me. I've never spent a night out of the house on my own, except for business purposes, when I was working, and that was more than eight years ago. He couldn't object— it was part of my job. But now, I can see I might be facing a dangerous situation if I leave for two days andI return home. Also, I'm terrible at lying. If I used a friend as a cover, while I rested up in a hotel by myself, he'd sense that I'm just trying to get away from him.

His anger is traumatizing. And for sure, he'd make my life even more of a living heck if I left for two days.

So I'm thinking if I find an affordable spiritual retreat, something that I truly want to do, for ME, instead of just running from him, that might work. I believe if I tell him about it over and over, in advance, show him a website that spells out the planned activities, he might be ok with it. And it would provide growth and healing for me. It might be better than just getting a hotel room for a couple of nights. He might be convinced that I wouldn't be running from him, I'd just be participating in an activity that happened to take place over the weekend.

I don't know.

Does anyone else think that this makes sense?

Thanks so much.

One small step for a lolcow, one small step for an r-slur

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358599.0

I have contacted an old friend who lives far away enough that I'd need to spend the nigh, if I were to visit. I've visited her with a mutual friend in the past, but it was always a day trip, because I felt I needed to get back home to my husband. Now, I'm eager to stay for at least one night, to catch up with her, as well as be free of my draining H.

I haven't presented the idea to him yet — I don't have firm dates. But when I do, I think he'll see it as just a friendly overnight stay with an old friend, rather than an abandonment. Because my eagerness to visit her is almost stronger than my desire to get away from him. And the fear of retaliation is not as great as it has been previously. I know if I lied and just got a hotel room, which was my original plan, he'd know something was off. He'd know I was simply wanting to get out and away from him.

This has to work. I feel I'm opening the door to more freedom and mini breaks from him, down the road. As long as he doesn't feel threatened, I think I'll be ok when I return. He might be a little angry, but I don't believe he'll be ENRAGED. .

On a similar note, a few days ago I had lurch with two friends I haven't seen in a long time. It was wonderfully refreshing. I realized I needed MORE of it, so that's when I came home and contacted my girlfriend, to open a conversation about my spending the night. I am grateful that she was excited about it, and she was very supportive when I explained what was going on with my uhwBPD.

So this is where I am — at the doorstep of freedom. I know it's only for one night, but it will be a GIANT step for me.

Foid has therapist. Foid is on God knows how many medications. Foid amazed she's not tipping over.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358735.0

I recently spoke to my therapist, bringing her up to date on what I'm experiencing with my H. I realize she's never interviewed him and he is NOT her patient, but she knows the history. I've been working with her off and on, for quite a few years. So her comments were concerning.

She agreed with me when I told her he's getting worse. There are more outbursts, more negative and sometimes nonsensical chatter, more episodes of him trying to agitate me, more manic behaviors, like rapid speech or driving miles and miles to 4 different parks, because each one was never quite right, etc.

She believes he needs medication, and I agree. She also thinks it sounds like he needs hospitalization. I do think he'd benefit from a brief rest, away from home, where he can be evaluated by a psychiatrist, and put on meds. However, I know this will never happen, because he'd have to do it voluntarily.

She thinks as time goes on, things will come to a head. Either there will be an outburst that spills out into the hallway of our apartment building, and I'll have to get security and the police involved, or he'll have a car accident, because he's driving while watching videos.

Not good.

A lot to think about, and a little scary.

Still, miraculously, I'm not falling apart. I socialize and stay busy outside of our home, as much as possible. It helps a lot. I don't react to his provocative comments. I get up and leave the room when he irritates me. I detach/tune him out, as best I can.

Today we will see our PCP in separate time-slots. I've told him about my husband's behaviors before, resulting in him writing a prescription for Xanax, for ME. I never took it. This time I'll let him know that my husband is driving while watching videos, although he no longer does it when I'm in the car. I feel this should be documented, even if I get zero support from this doctor.

This is where I am.

Hanging in there.

She spent one night away from the neurodivergent r-slur while he gets an MRI. Spends entire night blogposting

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=358925.0

Recently, I was able to tell my uhwBPD that I was planning an overnight visit with a dear friend, who lives quite a distance away from us. Surprisingly, I got ZERO push back. I think it's because at the suggestion of my friends, I made the getaway more about visiting my old friend than getting out of the house, and getting away from him.

Even though I only went away for a day, I was able to think, and gain some clarity, without him hovering over me all the time. I also enjoyed the company of my friend, and I vented some of my frustrations to her.

At the end of the brief vacation , I realized I'm only at the beginning of gathering my thoughts, and figuring out how to handle everything my H has thrown at me.. I've kinda been in shock for nearly a year, after one of his worst outbursts in May, 2023. It was the first time I'd seen him behave in such a bizarre way, and I was traumatized. Fortunately, soon after that outburst, I found this website and reread Stop Walking on Eggshells. I got some cowtools and wonderful support, and I've been a lot better at dealing with him, day-to-day. But this little break helped me see…I'm not quite ready to make any major decisions about moving, or throwing him out.

I now see that I only have total peace when I'm not around him, yet I haven't figured out how and if I can survive, on a fixed income, without financial contributions from him. And I already know he's not open to it. At the same time, I'm not sure how much longer I can live like this. Still, as much as I fantasize about a perfect, peaceful life without him, realistically , I'm not sure how I'd fare being single, in my mid-seventies. I sometimes need physical support. . In spite of all of his awful behaviors, he's a big help in many areas, and we share a love for music - we record and have regular jam sessions. Sometimes we get lost in music all day. During these moments, we're good together. On the other hand, being away from him showed me he's almost always negative, dark, complaining, and full of criticisms.

Well, I can see why I'm in this group. But whether I've made sense here or not, the short vacation from him did give me more clarity. But I'm still sorting things out.

Not sure where to go from here.

Lastly, here's some good news — He's going for a brain MRI today. This is because I vented to a doctor we both see, and the doctor somehow talked him into the MRI, without ever referencing mental illness. Instead, he referred to a TMI (mini stroke) my H had 10 years ago. The doctor thinks dementia may be partially responsible for some of his behaviors.

We'll see.

Again, I'm not sure where to go from here.

Brain MRI comes back DramaVirus positive. Foid devastated not at the illness but that he can't be unpizzashilled

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3058957.0

My uhwBPD had a brain MRI, ordered by a doctor of ours who is trying to help, based on my sharing about my H's behavior.

My H had a TMI (mild stroke) 10 years ago, and the brain MRI at that time showed white brain matter disease, consistent with a stroke. However, I read it can also be a sign of dementia, mood swings, and other ailments. Nevertheless, since there's been no change in the MRI results from 10 years ago, and because my husband always tells the doctor that apart from mild memory loss, he's fine, there will be no treatment plan.

I was disappointed. I sat down at dinner and told my husband that his forgetfulness and mood swings have intensified, and have occurred with greater frequency, over the past two years. I begged him to tell the doctor the truth about what's been going on, and to ask for meds, because he'll only get worse. He took it well, and didn't deny anything. But he asked for specifics. I was vague, for fear he'd blow up if I described his scary behavior in great detail. I also told him he probably doesn't remember any of the episodes. He said he didn't. But I did scare him. He feels he might get worse over time.

I then asked him to send a note to the doctor, telling him the truth about the mood swings and forgetfulness. I told him to ask for help. He said he would, and asked me to write the note for him. I did it.

Of course, by the next morning, he was blaming his memory loss on me, and he said he's moody because he hates our home, etc. He took no responsibility for his behavior, and told me to send the note myself — he wouldn't do it. So I asked if I could tell the doctor he approved of my sending it, and he agreed to that. Then, I briefly restated my husband's symptoms, in writing, explaining that My HUSBAND ASKED ME TO SEND THIS TO HIM. I pleaded for help. Then I hit SEND. That was a few days ago. I'll see how it goes.

Meanwhile, my H is walking around making jokes about dementia and mood swings, and saying he's not "crazy," a word I never used. 🤣🤣🤣🤣

This is where we are. And I'm planning another getaway for October.

I pray the doctor can help. I pray he can prescribe medication. I pray my husband will take it. I don't know how this will work out, because he really needs therapy, But he's still in denial.

Guess all I can do is wait and see.

Any light anyone can shine on this, or any comments at all, are welcomed.

Even the other hoes over at bpd family are Edsnoozemaxxing 😴😴😴 at this point

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3058985.0

I don't think I would've come this far without my BPD Family, and I'm sure I will be back, from time to time.

But going forward, I know my focus must be on me, not on my H. I've done all I can to try to get him some help. I've worked hard on learning how to deal with a spouse with BPD. I've almost poured my whole life into it, for more than a year.

I know that we are tethered together financially, so I don't feel like I can leave. But it doesn't mean I can't have a life. At least he's not the type to keep me up all night with circular arguments and anger, and I've learned to ignore and depersonalize his criticism, when he's in that mode.

I will invest more time in my friends, activities away from home that I enjoy without him, my therapist, getting away for a couple of days now and then, journaling, and hobbies.

When we can be together and enjoy each other, I'll enjoy those times. We make a lot of music together, and he's remarkably normal when he's musically engaged.

And that will be my life. I can't spend everyday kvetching over him, or at least I can't let him be my main focus.

Maybe one day I'll have more compassion and forgiveness — I think it's needed. I'm not there yet, and it's OK.

BTW, his adult children have been reaching out to us more and more, lately. Sadly, it's become clear to me that they're not mental health poster kids. There are a lot of problems in his family. Fortunately, they live far away.

All of you have helped me stay sane. Thank you. I'll be back.

Foid has achieved what any foid wants in a forum. To be recognizable.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3059144.0

Even though I've decided to stay with my H, it's a struggle. Sometimes I feel like running.I daydream about living on my own. It's particularly difficult when every opinion I have, about anything, is devalued by him. He'll praise a stranger on a street, or a YouTuber, on their opinions on random topics, while he criticizes me and gets angry if I don't agree with him on said topic. And even if I agree with him, he says I didn't say it the right way, or I'm not approaching the topic on a high enough level. It's infuriating.

There are times when I can just walk away, or be clear-eyed, seeing his mental illness talking. At these times, I'm not taking anything personally. It takes the sting out of his remarks. But I am human. And I'm opinionated. It hurts to be stifled, even though I KNOW I can rarely have a balanced, rational conversation with him.

Were it not for my friends, my true voice would rarely be heard and appreciated. And even after being aware and accepting that he's mentally ill, at times it's still unfathomable that he can be so disturbed.

During the earlier years of our marriage, he was fun to be with. Great to talk to. We were even on the same page, most of the time. I guess it's a waste of time to keep looking back, but I can't believe how much he's deteriorated.

Slowly but surely, I'm creating more of a separate life for me. I don't have a lot of energy at my age, but I try to fill my weeks with getting together with friends, and other activities, so that I can spend less time at home with him. I'm also scheduling another overnight trip, away from home. I've got to.

I guess I'm just venting.

I don't have enough money for lawyers, and we don't have another home, just sitting somewhere, thatI can flee to. I'm retired, and now that I'm in my mid-seventies, I can't earn much beyond my fixed income. We do alright, and we have a lovely place in a high end area. We live in one of the highest real estate markets in the world, and I love it here. But I could never afford to stay here on my own. Sad thing is, I'd be deliriously happy, just where I am, as I am, if I could stay here and not be married to this mentally ill man.

With all of this, I'm managing quite well, but I do have my days. I'm grateful that all of you are here. So glad I can vent here.

Jazz (there it is. The abbreviated sign off)

She vented so hard she ended up in a hospital with chest pain. Luckily, for lolcow connoisseurs she will continue to blogpost.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3059253.0

Chest pain and general weakness and shakiness, led me to the ER yesterday. My HwuBPD had just stepped out after one of his milder rants about hating our home — a place I purchased years ago, and our lovely home for 20 years. But he never stops complaining.

After he left, I thought I might faint. And I had chest pains. I took an Uber to the nearest ER. I didn't want him with me — he'd have only complained, all the way to the ER.

I was diagnosed with a very high heart rate, but all of my labs came back normal. I asked if stress could do this to me. I was told, yes. They gave me some fluids and sent me home. In the interim, my husband stopped by the ER, but didn't stay long. Truth be told, I didn't want him there. He sat down and immediately started complaining about his back. It told him I didn't know how long I'd be there, and maybe he shouldn't wait. So he went home to get started on dinner. I was relieved.

I still had very mild chest discomfort the next day, and then it went away. I was told I could see a cardiologist, even though everything appeared to be normal. I feel I had a panic attack, or it was pure exhaustion. I told my PCP about it, and he was very nonchalant after reviewing my labs.

I'm very concerned. How long can I last with this man? I've been researching more coping mechanisms, and I'm setting firmer boundaries. I'm also getting out more, and I'll be talking to my therapist more frequently. I feel better already, but this is awful. Just yesterday he said something to me, and something in my chest stirred, but I calmed myself down. It's interesting that my body is responding now, but when he was in a much worse place for a whole year, I was strong, and made it through.

To be clear, I have an acid reflux/esophageal problem that can cause pain behind the sternum. I think maybe it was further exacerbated by his behavior. The shakiness and weakness was new.

I've got to do better. It's about ME, because he's not changing. It's about my self-care, because I can't afford to leave, and I can't afford a lawyer. I must rebuild my resolve to NEVER let him break me. And I have to bring my friends closer. I have to find more outlets.

I had a scary experience. It shocked me. But I'm still here. I will NOT let him get the best of me. I can go out and take a walk when he gets to be too much. I can leave the room. I can be grateful for the good times, because they do still exist.

Thank you for letting me vent. I don't know what I'd do without this website.

Her latest post. Her r-slur moid is still getting worse

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=3059670.0

I think my H is getting worse. He talks incessantly, yet he doesn't make a lot of sense. He tries to argue with me, by just going around in circles on topics that are of no consequence to either of us. I think I'm looking at dementia as well as BPD.

I thought I could ride this out, by being social, spending time with friends, talking walks, signing up for fitness classes, etc. But sometimes, it's not enough. As soon as I'm in his presence, he finds something to pick at or complain about. Often times I ignore him. Other times, I feel I'm going to lose my mind if I listen to any more of his ramblings and rants. It's no way to live. I'm in my mid 70's. I'm tired.

I think I have to find a way to get out. To maybe get whatever I can out of selling our co-op, and find a place to live, in peace.It won't be easy — real estate prices in our area are sky high, but I'm almost ready to settle for living in a room. I might be at the end of my rope. I just need peace, without his mouth going all the time. And I know he will fight me tooth and nail, but I don't want to even think about his reaction.

Recently, I've had a minor health issue that has hindered my mobility for about six weeks now, so I can't get out like I used to. This is probably why I'm suffering so much. Hopefully, in the next few days, when I see a specialist, I'll be pain free and more mobile again.

I guess I'm just venting. If I had my life to live over again, I'd make sure I didn't have to depend on anyone else's income to live well.

Perhaps I will start with a couple of days away from home in a hotel room, and then come back home and take it from there. I desperately need a break from him.

I'm so glad it's safe to vent here.

Thanks so much.

Being the benevolent and altruistic person I am, I have shot her a message to join this site.