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He killed a p-do. If the Onion were still funny it would have followed ii this trial with “Rash of Kyle Rittenhouse copycats devastate Child molesters community.

Child molesters all over America are scared as doughy losers, troubled babyfaced young men, and High school dropouts are abandoning school shootings as the path to fame and notoriety since they realize that they too cam become beloved heroes by bagging themselves a chomo. “It's not safe on the streets,” says Tim O'Boyotoucher, a former Catholic priest now counseling “at-risk youth” in the homeless camps of San Francisco following a short prison sentence “It's open seasons on MAPs.” Henry Smalls, an obese anime fan, furry, and fat rights activist currently in traction at the Joe Paterno memorial hospital agrees. “I was talking to this cute little loli by the schoolyard and trying to get her into my Obi-San van when a group of baka baras pulled up and unloaded a full clip at me. If I hadn't studied the blade and mastered ninjutsu, I'd be dead.” When reached for comment the school principal, who asked to remain anonymous on threat of lawsuit, disputed this and claimed that Mr. Smalls had been assaulted by a little league baseball team. Clearly , Kyle's cruelty has even corrupted our youth. Hugh j. Peepee , head of the local Pride organization told us “It's not my problem” and that we should “Get out of my house before I call the cops”.”

Something like that but actually funny.