Where were you when you realized that you could feel love again?

Me? Well you see. I was checking my mail like I usually do when I received a letter. "Dear Ricky" was on the lid with hearts and decor on the front along with a "Happy Valentines day". I was ecstatic of course because I thought I knew who the sender was. For you see within the last few weeks another one of my eGFs has managed to dox me. I had flown her out to me twice in two months, and I was very cautious. It takes me a while to trust and even though I could feel the love starting to form I just did not trust her fully yet so I didn't want her to know my address or full name.

Unfortunately while I was sleeping she looked through my wallet, found ID my name and then my linkedin and then me. So far things are still good between us even though she will joke about how casually she can ruin my life sometimes. I don't know. I feel like there is something wrong with the way I've been perceiving danger over these last few years and I think it gets worse every day. What is danger really? What is that feeling? Why do we listen to it?

But anyways back to the topic at hand. I have been having a rough couple of months with the only bright light being my eGFs. All of the neurotypical women I meet on the apps only want me for my body and the ones who are looking for love don't want to be with someone like me who enjoys trolling on the internet. You may think I'm joking but I'm not, because my troll side is a big part of me. And unfortunately society forces me to hide it. You can't just tell people about your trolling habits and expect good treatment in return.

This has lead to me feeling isolated. Doubly so because I just recently moved out of my families home to be across the country just based on an impulse decision. I spent my entire Christmas with Greg Doucette and I was on research chemicals so I still have random flashbacks to that period that will probably be occuring for the next 5-10 years. One eye is always seeing the future while the other is always seeing the past. It's actually so annoying because the visual snow from my last incident was just starting to recede. But yeah I have just been stressed out. I am still training to try and get it all out but it feels like my body fails before my mind lately.

I'm off topic again, so back to the letter. I received this letter and thought it was from my egirl who had just doxxed me. Maybe she came to surprise me? But no. This is what I received.

Now I don't want to seem ungrateful. I truly do not. I love my parents for thinking about me, however this just was not what I needed right now. And the blow was dealt in a way that is hard to deal with.

Because when I feel pain I would just rather feel it all at once, and when I'm experiencing it I don't want to react to it in anyway. I have mastered the ability to just accept it and let it take its course. The exception to this is if I am distracted by others. People always poke and prod in moments like this, and it is the worst thing you can do to someone like me. They are dragging it out. Today would have been over already if that letter was not sent. I'm not afraid to say this almost ruined my entire day.

Almost.

I found the way out. The way out is through love. To love so deeply that every other emotion feels like an illusion in comparison. You have to want them to kill you. A love so strong that you start thinking behaviors you previously classified as batshit insane are actually rational thoughts tied in facts and logic. And really the only way to truly feel a love like this is to let go entirely.

I don't why things are that way, but it is. You need to be thinking about loss constantly. You need to see your loved ones die one million times in your head so that you can let them go. Because I promise you until you do that you won't truly know loss. You will always be hoping, arguing with yourself, trying to find a way out. But when you look far enough ahead you'll realize that was a r-slurs game. You're just running on a treadmill in denial that eventually you're going to run out of gas. The suffering of the gazelle will always outweigh the pleasure of the lion.

But while you cannot change the outcome. You can accept it. And through true acceptance you can end it.

I'm not talking about ending it through a cowardly method such as "enlightenment:". That is only temporary, and you are leaving the cycle to continue it's cruel and twisted game while you escape into the merciful oblivion. My solution will be permanent.

I am going to kill Samsara. The entire cycle. I will save every last one of us. I don't care how long it takes me. I don't care if I have to spend one million years crawling through a tunnel of discarded rusty kitchen knives. I don't care if I have to roll a boulder up a 50 trillion mile 30 degree incline. I am the only one with the will to do this, and I doubt anyone else will even try.

My friends, I will save you all. I promise.

!friendsofspiderman

@Spiderman

I need to talk to you. We have to do this together. You are the only one who can help me.