Lardballoon describes how heartbreakingly easy it is to let the calories add up

This guy's problems are so easy to solve, he just can't be bothered to put in a modicum of effort to do so.

I eat two bowls of cereal in the morning and a banana

Stop doing that. Just eat one bowl. And make sure it's actual grains, not colorful sugar balls. You'll get used to it within two weeks.

Then I get hungry again and have a snack maybe a sugary yogurt and a poptart which maybe hold me over until lunch

Stop doing that. Just don't eat or drink anything except water between breakfast and lunch. You'll get used to it within two weeks.

I work from home but usually I go out to the deli for a sandwich from the deli or get a Wendy's biggie bag

Stop doing that. Have a salad instead of a sandwich half the time. And make the salads and sandwiches yourself, it'll cost less and you'll be able to check exactly what and how much you're putting in there. You'll get used to it within two weeks.

I snack quite a bit all day

Stop doing that. Just don't eat or drink anything except water between lunch and dinner. You'll get used to it within two weeks.

I live with my mom (big shock, I know) and she's also fat so she feeds me big portions

Stop doing that. Move out. Or at the very least, tell your mother to stop giving you so much food, and if she does give you too much, either put it in the refrigerator for lunch the next day or throw it in the garbage. You'll get used to it within two weeks.

Then I eat desert, usually ice cream or a Blizzard from Dairy Queen

Stop doing that. Have some decaffeinated tea, maybe a few berries or something. You'll get used to it within two weeks.

Then I get midnight craving and try to snack healthy but just end up eating the healthy snacks AND cupcakes, cookies, and other shit

Stop doing that. Just don't eat or drink anything except water between dinner and breakfast. You'll get used to it within two weeks.

Then I sleep like shit from all the heartburn

Not in two weeks you won't.

Then I wake up the next day and feel like a failure

Can't help you with that one, loser. But not being a fat-butt living in his mother's basement is probably a step in the right direction.

Incidentally, I miss so much it's unreal.