Huge recap of all the crap movies I've watched recently

I've had a lot of time lately to sit in my goddarn wheelchair watching random movies and I know my opinions on them are important to you because I'm an important person.

The Time Machine

The version from the 1950s. This is a classic where everything came together just right. Notably they knew exactly what special effects they had the technology to pull off, so it still holds up today better than Marvel capeshit.

The Best of Everything

Foids working for a publishing company in 1950s NYC engage in foid nonsense, slutting around and then wondering why everything goes wrong in their lives. I couldn't quite tell if it was meant to be a cautionary tale or if women already were unable to accept personal responsibility back then.

The Prisoner of Zenda

A guy is mistaken for the nearly identical prince of a Balkan shithole c. 1900 and is caught up in intrigue. I saw the 1950s color version, which is apparently supposed to be inferior to the earlier one. Whatevs. I thought it was pretty good and James Mason was great at being a massive butthole.

Le Samourai

A hitman in 1960s Paris runs into film noir complications. Melville knew how to make an American-style movie better than Americans. And it's always nice to see France in that era. My dad loved watching French movies in boomer times so it feels comfy.

The Naked Prey

Africa, 1890s. A white guy gets captured, stripped naked, and told to start running. Guys with spears chase after him. A great movie if you like watching sweaty shirtless guys. Pretty good pacing.

Raging Grace

A Filipina illegal immigrant works as a maid for a dying old man while trying to take care of her own daughter. Increasingly ominous things happen. I quit this halfway through because I can't take watching something where kids are possibly in danger. It just makes me have anxiety and feel unpleasant.

Las Vegas: The Story of Sin City

CNN documentary series about the history of Las Vegas. It has interviews with lots of people who worked there as entertainers and gives you some interesting perspectives of what it's like being on the fringes of mafia shit but not really a part of it.

Collateral

Made by Michael Mann when he was still good. A hitman (Tom Cruise) forces a cab driver to give him a few rides. Not much to say except it's really good.

Arrival

Linguist tries to communicate with mysterious aliens. I give it points for actually making the aliens be alien. But the story moves at a glacial pace up until the ending, which I wasn't terribly impressed by. Also suffers from some idiot plotting where everyone besides the heroine seems heck bent on fricking things up.

The Abyss

Made by James Cameron when he was still good. Civilians team up with SEALs to rescue the crew of a sunken nuclear submarine. It's a bit too obvious who the villain is, especially if you know James Cameron. But there's a wild and unexpected surprise ending. If the woman ever ended up in a wet t-shirt I must have tragically missed it.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

Tina Fey is a reporter in Afghanistan. Based on a true story. I found her charming and relatable. The movie is entertaining enough and actually something real, not just what some empowered white woman imagines she would be like in a war zone.

Smokin' Aces

A silly action movie about hit men who are competing to kidnap a mobster. Sometimes it's too silly and sometimes it takes itself too seriously, but it's pretty good for what it is.

Heist 88

Based on the true story of a plot to steal vast amounts of money through fraudulent wire transfers in 1988. It's somewhat interesting to see how that stuff worked back then, but like with many true stories there just isn't 2 hours worth of material.

Breaking

Not the documentary about break dancing. Another true story. A disabled veteran goes into a bank and takes hostages, threatening to set off a bomb unless the VA gets his shit unfricked. Like the above, I think there's just not enough story so it's slow moving and repetitive. It would need a really good actor to pull it off and these days we don't have Denzel, we have John Boyega.

Nick of Time

An ordinary guy's daughter is kidnapped to blackmail him into assassinating a politician. We've all seen this concept a million times but it's well executed here. The villians are very hateable and Johnny Depp looks immaculately 1995.

Edge of Darkness

Mel Gibson is a detective who has to avenge his daughter's murder. It's pretty dumb and predictable, especially if you know the story of Karen Silkwood which it's obviously based on. Spoiler: The evil corporation turns out to be evil.

13 Hours

The US consulate in Benghazi is overrun by Islamists. I actually learned a lot from this. Media accounts at the time made it sound like it was a much smaller event than it really was. They got away with it because somehow in all the Republicans' furious ranting about Killary they never bothered to just explain wtf happened.